OIL CHANGE
Oil Changing Instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) Fifteen minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent: $20.00 for oil change
$1.00 for coffee
Total = $21.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Go to Auto Parts Place and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly's to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box-end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil. Spill hot oil on self in process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
16) Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-Eleven; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the backyard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29) Discover that the first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30) Drink beer.
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Beer.
36) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
37) Beer.
38) Beer.
39) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
40) Beer.
41) Lower car from jack stands.
42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
43) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
44) Beer.
45) Test-drive car.
46) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
47) Car gets impounded.
48) Make bail: Get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
$50.00 parts
$25.00 beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands $1,000.00 bail
$200.00 impound and towing fee
Total = $1,350.00
Not this part though ...
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
That's not funny.
Not funny at all.
It's been years since Jiffy Lube only charged $20 for an oil change.
They're currently up to $30.
I found a receipt in the 1988 Ford Mustang GT that I bought used from Jiffy Lube in 1996 where they charged $24...
LOL!! Bookmarking.