Things I don't need to know about cars

Edmonton Sun ^ | 2004-11-29 | Patrycja Romanowska

[Clive]

My fella and I were going out of town. He was driving his "super reliable" car into which he pours nothing less than premium gas and synthetic oil and which, incidentally, is so much better and safer than my car that the two can never even be compared.

To boot, his car just got a tune-up and that became the launching point for a lecture about car maintenance habits and how I do not have any.

He should know. He's been working on my car all weekend. So blah, blah, I never check my oil (I forget), my tire pressure (um, my tire pressure measuring stick is broken), my radiator fluid (as if I even know where my radiator fluid is ...) and so on and so forth.

In fact, my car is in such shoddy shape, I should not even drive it anymore. Instead, I should just drive his car (which I'll simply refer to as super reliable from now on) but I have to remember not to start it in second gear because that WRECKS HIS CLUTCH.

In passing, my car-savvy fella mentioned that during his tune-up, the mechanic told him to consider replacing an ignition module or something of that sort. The mechanic, my fella concludes, is probably wrong and there is no problem with the car.

You should listen to the mechanic, I said, using up all the car advice I felt authorized to give. With your luck (he has the worst luck of anyone I know) the car will break down in the middle of a road trip and you'll be stuck there forever.

About 45 minutes later we were sitting on the side of the highway with the hazard lights on waiting for a tow truck.

That's right, Mr. Awesome-car-care-premium-gas-guy was digging around under the hood swearing and, to make matters worse, we gave the tow truck the wrong directions and were stranded for almost two hours at sub-zero temperatures in a car that would not start.

Two hundred bucks later, super reliable was in the shop and is there still, waiting for several hundred bucks worth of parts and labour.

In the meantime, the car's owner is driving my car (the one that does not have enough radiator fluid, the back doors do not open and is, overall, totally unreliable) to work.

Before I point out why this episode confirmed my attitude towards vehicles, consider this.

A couple of years ago I was driving my super junky K-Car along Highway 2.

I was just past Leduc when my tire seemingly exploded.

I pulled over, stupidly, on the left side of the highway and immediately realized I was stuck in the middle of six lanes of whizzing highway traffic.

I got out of the car, examined the tire (yep, it was flat) and pondered what to do next. I decided to walk to Nisku and call someone.

But before the traffic subsided for long enough to cross to the other side of the highway, some guy had already pulled over, put on my spare and asked me out for coffee.

Now I know I should learn how to change a flat and check my air tire pressure, but where's my incentive?

Obviously obsessive car maintenance, synthetic oil and all, does not eliminate breaking down on the side of the road.

Furthermore, if all of a sudden I learned to care about my spark plugs or my air filter, then so many guys would be deprived of the car-related lectures and rescues in which they secretly delight.

Besides, not knowing anything about cars means I generally listen to my mechanic when he says something needs to be fixed.

And let's face it, if it had been me driving ol' super reliable when it broke down, I could have got a ride back to town, and probably coffee, instead of trying not to die from the frost while waiting for the tow truck.

[2Jedismom]

Thanks for all the tips and suggestions. I'm going to send the thread to my husband who is lurking at school (everybody wave!) He knows more about this than I do and can perhaps get some ideas from your suggestions.

Thanks again.

[dhs12345]

Quiz: what is a spanner? A boot and a bonnet?

Haven't bought one in a few years. But it was pretty amusing to make the American English to British English translation.

Do they still use the Queen's English?

[William Terrell]

What kind of woman writes about how stupid she is?

[Will_Zurmacht]

It's a great and useful book.
I also like the old hippe style of writing.

"First, tuck your long hair up under your stocking cap, then ..."

I still think the old VW's are great cars to learn on. Everybody should own one at least once in their life, just for the basic knowledge and smiles they bring.

[budwiesest]

Had a car crap-out in front of me one time. Brunette driving. Went up see if I could help. It was a dude with really long hair.

Well, he was paralyzed waist down and knew exactly what the problem was. I threw some electrical tape around his battery-to-starter cable and he was very thankful. We were both on our way in less than five minutes. Sucker for brunettes?, that's me.

[B4Ranch]

I have been instructed to post this or learn how to cook. Posting is much easier.

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:
>

---

>
> 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
>
> 2) Drink a cup of coffee.
>
> 3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
>
>
>
> MONEY SPENT
>
> Oil Change $20.00
>
> Coffee $1.00
>
> TOTAL $21.00
>
>
>
> OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:
>
> 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50 00
>
> 2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
>
> 3) Open a beer and drink it.
>
> 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
>
> 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
>
> 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
>
> 7) Place drain pan under engine.
>
> 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
>
> 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
>
> 10) Unscrew drain plug.
>
> 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
>
> 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
>
> 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
>
> 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
>
> 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
>
> 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
>
> 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
>
> 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to be recycled!
>
> 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
>
> 20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
>
> 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
>
> 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
>
> 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
>
> 24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
>
> 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
>
> 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
>
> 27) Drink beer.
>
> 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
>
> 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
>
> 30) Drink beer.
>
> 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
>
> 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
>
> 33) Begin cussing fit.
>
> 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
>
> 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes
>
> 36) Beer.
>
> 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
>
> 38) Beer.
>
> 39) Beer.
>
> 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
>
> 41) Beer.
>
> 42) Lower car from jack stands.
>
> 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
>
> 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43.
>
> 45) Beer.
>
> 46) Test drive car.
>
> 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
>
> 48) Car gets impounded.
>
> 49) Call loving wife, make bail.
>
> 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
>
>
>
> MONEY SPENT
>
> Parts $50.00
>
> DUI $2500.00
>
> Impound fee $75.00
>
> Bail $1500.00
>
> Beer $40.00
>
> TOTAL -- $4165.00...
>

[2Jedismom]

Sucker for brunettes?, that's me.

Maybe, but I think you're probably just a kind person...

It's good to know there are still some out there.

:-)

[2Jedismom]

I just ordered that book at the library, waiting for it to arrive at my local branch!

I can't wait...Will was telling me about it and it sounds like a hoot!

I want a Bug in a bad way, can't get one just yet, but while I wait, I research!

[Happy2BMe]

#106 - The REAL MAN'S OIL CHANGE - ping.

LoL!

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50 00

I'd be lucky to get out of there for only $50.00

The rest of the story sounds like somebody shadowed my eldest son all the way through to the end of the oil change.

Thankfully, he has narrowly shaved by pickup up the $2,500 part of the oil change.

[Kenny Bunk]

"I thought cars came with oil."

Words tearfully spoken by my Kim Basinger look-alike (ex)sister-in-law, upon the demise of her Nissan 300 Z, after it had traveled 45,000 miles with ... you guessed it ... no oil changes or additions. None. Nada. Zip, Keine.

But let's be fair, I did, mechanical wizard though I may be, park my much beloved Acura Legend Coupe in precisely the right place for the flood which swept it away ... at 345,000 miles.

When wheeled loved ones pass from the planet, all grieve equally.

[budwiesest]

LOL!! 'cept for the last part (I don't drive 'em 'till the next day) that's an oil change at my house (no kitty litter, just a drip pan) LOL!

[dhs12345]

Like the version where he bangs his head and throws his wrench which hits miss January in the left, b***, leaving a hole. Cusses some more...another beer....

Every garage has to have a pinup calendar. Or so goes the stereotype.

[mamelukesabre]

too easy

try these

What's a beezer, a mini, a triton, rocker?

hint, three of the four are motorcycle terms.

[budwiesest]

It's good to know there are still some out there.

Well thanks 2J, but I just consider myself one of the 51% Club, know what I mean? We're always looking for new members.

[2Jedismom]

I think this young lady has been told all her life that every random thought that comes into her head is relevant and should be explored. She coulda done with a dose of "Hey! Nobody CARES!" a couple of times in her life, I think.

[budwiesest]

"I thought cars came with oil."

You just reminded me, check the oil in any car you happen to rent. The last two I rented barely registered on the dip-stick. Once was in Hawaii and the other was at an airport. They drive better (and cooler) with oil.

[HairOfTheDog]

I don't value changing my own oil, and I know how.

The Jiffy Lube places not only do it for not alot more than the price of oil and filters, they check the levels on other fluids and top them off.

But the biggest reason to not change oil at home is the mess of it. You'll take all morning and end up with a mess and the problem of what to do with the used oil.

There are a lot of things that are worth doing yourself, but I don't think oil changes are one of them.

[LadyDoc]

Now I know I should learn how to change a flat and check my air tire pressure, but where's my incentive?

my brother refused to let me learn to drive until I could change a tire, check the oil, and add water to the radiator....

wait till you get a flat in the middle of nowhere...and no man in sight...(although I must say, even in the middle of nowhere or in the "dangerous" neighborhoods of the inner cities-- I have found gentlemen to change my tire when they saw me with a flat....)

[Lonesome in Massachussets]

Things I don't need to know about cars: Does it have a hemi?

[mamelukesabre]

I had one. It was my third car. That thing made me so mad. Everything I learned about cars just didn't apply to that old heap.

no lug nuts, LUG BOLTS
the speedometer cable goes to the front wheel
the heater runs off the exaust pipe(but not very well)

the old trick of holding the accelerator to the floor when the engine is flooded doesn't work on bugs. You have to do the lawnmower trick-take the aircleaner off, put put a screw driver in the choke, and then try.

The turn signals don't cancel themselves.

the warmest place in the winter is the BACK SEAT. Lotta good that does when your trying to drive in a snowstorm.