Posted on 11/26/2004 5:29:21 PM PST by NYC GOP Chick
Don't waste your time, girls - some romances are not meant to be, writes Caroline Overington.
Is there a woman alive who hasn't sat on the couch, sobbing and saying: "Why doesn't he call?" Well, now we know: he's just not that into you.
Sounds simple, no? Yet a guide for women that explains this basic concept has taken the book world by storm. The book, He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys, has reached the top of the bestseller lists in The New York Times, USA Today and The Wall Street Journal.
It was born out of an incident that occurred behind the scenes of the Sex and the City television series. A bunch of writers for the program were sitting around and one woman, in particular, was complaining about the "mixed messages" she was getting from a guy in her life. He seemed to like her, but...
According to the book, all her female colleagues were helping her "pick apart all the signs and signals of his actions". After much debate, they concluded that she was fabulous and he was obviously scared and she should just give him more time.
By chance, the comedian Greg Behrendt, who often worked as a consultant on the show, was in the office. He said: "Listen, it sounds like he's just not that into you."
The women were shocked. But according to the book, they also recognised instinctively that "this man might be speaking the truth".
They gathered around him, sharing their stories of men who didn't call. Maybe he broke all the bones in his dialling finger? Maybe he had a terrible childhood? Maybe he was wary of commitment?
One by one, they were shot down by Behrendt's "silver bullet".
The way Behrendt explained it, "if a sane guy really likes you, there ain't nothing that's going to get in his way".
"When a guy is into you, he lets you know it," he said.
LOVE'S RULES:
If you can find him, he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.
Men know how to use the phone. If he's not calling you, it's because you're not on his mind.
He's not that into you if he only wants to see you when he's drunk.
He's not that into you if he's sleeping with somebody else (including his wife).
The only way a man can say he "misses you" is if he's choosing, every day, not to see you.
"He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can't keep his eyes or hands off you."
But aren't some guys just busy? After all, who among women has not called a guy to ask, "Why didn't you call?", only to be told: "I'm sorry, I've been, like, crazy busy."
"If a dude isn't calling you when he says he will, stop making excuses for him," Behrendt says.
"Move on, sister. Cut your losses and don't waste your time."
Behrendt's words of wisdom became the focus of an episode of Sex and the City, in which Miranda asks her friends why a certain guy hasn't been calling. Carrie's boyfriend replies: "He's just not that into you."
Miranda is initially horrified, but then she decides she is liberated by this explanation. For hours afterwards, she walks around smiling and repeating to herself: "He's just not that into me."
Behrendt wrote the book with a former colleague, Liz Tuccillo, and it has been flying off the shelves. The initial print run of 30,000 copies sold out in two weeks.
The book got another boost when the authors appeared on Oprah in September. Oprah Winfrey told her audience the book "could save you 20 years of therapy". She invited guests to share their guy stories. One asked Behrendt about a guy she had jogged with, and really liked, who never asked her out.
"He's just not that into you! He's just not that into you!" Oprah shouted, and soon the whole audience was joining in.
Now another 400,000 copies of the book are being printed.
Critics have said it's just an update of The Rules, a tome released in 1995 that advised women not to call men and never to accept excuses for tardiness. New York Times reporter Rick Marin complained that there was "something wildly condescending about the image of women as helpless creatures standing around until men come into their lives and break their hearts". But others say the book is an antidote to Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus and other guides that try to help women understand guys.
"Men are not complicated. There are no mixed messages," Behrendt says. "Unfortunately, guys are too terrified to ever directly tell a woman 'you're not the one'. But their actions absolutely show how they feel."
There's no reason to feel glum about this. The book assures women they are "super hot" and "foxy", and don't need to "scheme and plot and beg to get someone to ask them out".
If someone is treating you badly, it says, move on.
Booksellers report that women are buying the book for friends, especially those who are obsessing about why he didn't call.
"The next time you feel the need to start figuring him out, consider the glorious thought that he's just not that into you," the book says.
"Then set yourself loose and go find the one who is."
Many women find such advice hard to take. Already, there have been stories asking: "But what if He's Just Not That Into You is wrong?"
But, as the writers point out, the alternative is to think: "No, I'm going to hang in here. If I wait and keep my mouth shut, and call at exactly the right time, and anticipate his moods, maybe I can have him." The book says, actually, you can't, and nor do you want him.
"I don't judge others. I say if you feel good with what you're doing, let your freak flag fly."Well, I'm impressed.
Sex really does get us all in a tizzy, doesn't it...
No #^#^ Sherlock. People are paying to read that???? LOL.
Thank you kindly for the heads up on the "Doc Love" archives. Without fail I shall check these out! And I'm looking forward to doing so.
[applause]
That's the best advice on relationships I ever didn't believe until I blundered into it by accident and accidentally had a very happy last 21 years with my best friend (and wife, and mom to my kids).
Thank you kindly for the heads up on the "Doc Love" archives. Without fail I shall check these out! And I'm looking forward to doing so.
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HD, I like what you said. Your wife is a fortunate lady & I hope she treats you real good too.
Reminds me of one of my favorite movies--"Swingers".
MIKE How long do I wait to call?
TRENT A day.
MIKE Tomorrow?
TRENT No...
SUE ...Tomorrow, then a day.
TRENT ...Yeah.
MIKE So, two days?
TRENT Yeah, I guess you could call it that.
SUE Definitely. Two days. That's the industry standard.
TRENT (to Sue, shop talk) ...I used to wait two days. Now everyone waits two days. Three days is kinda the money now, don't you think?
SUE ...Yeah. But two's enough not to look anxious...
TRENT Yeah, but three days is kinda the money...
MIKE (interrupting sarcastically) Why don't I just wait three weeks and tell her I was cleaning out my wallet and found her number...
CHARLES ...then ask where you met her...
MIKE Yeah, I'll tell her I don't remember and the I'll ask what she looks like. (pause) Then I'll ask if we [had sex]. How's that, Tee? Is that "the money'?
The guys laugh.
TRENT Laugh all you want, but if you call too soon you can scare off a nice baby who's ready to party.
SUE Don't listen to him. You call whenever it feels right. to you.
MIKE How long you guys gonna wait to call your honeys?
TRENT AND SUE Six days.
She bends over backward as far as I do...what can I say ...we love each other and life is wonderful!
Well, NYC misses you, too! Thanks for the kind words -- means a lot coming from you, one of my fave freepers. :)
Actually, it's a cross-species experiment -- breeding a transgendered human with a horse.
Only when it's good! ;D
LOL!
Not necessarily true. I've been intimidated by incredibly beautiful women before that I would have loved to have gone out with, but simply lacked the courage to ask.
I've been married for 12 years now, but I think I'll keep the line in my arsenal as my daughters are (too quickly) approaching dating age... It seems a lot more clear-cut than any of the advice I received during my teenage years!
Naw. I'm all old 'n stuff now. Nobody would want an old washed-up has-been like me.
I see this with friends often. It's conceit that makes it impossible for them to believe the guy isn't interested in them.
A fellow employee, I'll call him Jim, spent time cringing behind the door talking about what a complete bipolar, self absorbed, nut, Sherry is and he can't get far enough away from her.
The next nite she was talking about how interested Jim is in her, but that he is just too shy to really open up. She's waiting for him to finally become brave enough declare his attraction to her. sheesh
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