Permit for a Dam (vanity pre-election tension breaker)

[WhirlwindAttack]

This is the actual response sent back:

Dear Mr. Price,

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County. Your certified letter dated 10/17/04 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at XXXX Dagget, Pierson, Michigan

A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.

I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is -- aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation-so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers --but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter they being unable to read English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream.

They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then. In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your office.

Ryan DeVries

[WhirlwindAttack]

Sorry I just had to post it.

[WhirlwindAttack]

Sorry I just had to post this. LOL

[quantim]

Nothing like a stuned beaver.

[Socratic]

That was dam-well written.

[mrsjones]

damn good letter! Would love to read their reply! thanks for the election tension breaker -- I'm so anxious, I can't do a damn thing -- needless to say, after its over (for Kerry) I'll be busy as a beaver, getting back to life and on to 4 more years. :)

[greatgranny]

I had a good laugh at this. Shows you what a bunch of dorks the gov officials are. They obviously did not look at the dam before they sent their letter.

[fhillary2]

Classic!

We had a problem with beavers in the creek behind me a few years back. Those beavers did such a dam good job that we were losing trees due to the swamp conditions. It got so bad that they trapped the beavers, relocated them and dynamited the dam!

[Esther Ruth]

Very funny, thank you for the laugh before going to bed. Makes me think of a camp song we sang when we were kids. The words in part of the song were "We all went down to Amster Dam - Amster Amster Dam Dam Dam". Don't know the name of the song, but we kids would all have fun screaming those words, since we knew it was a bad word.

[agitator]

This piece is at least 7 years old but it's still funny :)

[Kirkwood]

A beaver bit my sister.
(No, really!)

[elizabetty]

Damnation!

[Rebelbase]

Oh man, that was great!

[Libertina]

ROTFLOL Wiping tears from eyes... Oh I needed that!

[I'm ALL Right!]

WHEW. We are going to need a LOT of tension breakers tomorrow. Can you spearhead that for us, since you did such a great job with this one?! ;)

[freedumb2003]

a million years old.

[quantim]

That would be about the time Raquel Welch was sporting a bikini in front of an ignoramus?

[freedumb2003]

1/2 way

sorry -- didn't mean to rain on your parade

[HP8753]

I like beaver....I hope they prevail!!

[notpoliticallycorewrecked]

As a former camp counselor I can inform you that the name of the song is "There were three jolly fishermen".

And why oh why is it that the kids ONLY remember THAT part of the song?????