Posted on 10/22/2004 9:25:47 AM PDT by Robe
A stranger was seated next to little Tommy on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said"Let's talk I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger".
Little Tommy who had just opened his book closed it slowly and said to the stranger"What would you like to discuss?.
I don't know," said the stranger "How about politics? Should we keep Bush or elect Kerry?"
OK said Little Tommy 'That could be a very interesting topic.But let me ask you a question first.
A horse ,a cow, and a deer all eat grass. the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat paddy, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is"?
"Jeez" said the stranger. "I have no idea".
"WELL then "said Little Tommy "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss who should run the country when you don't know sh!t?"
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Father-Daughter Talk:
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking her how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA . She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over." Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA." The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!" The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
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A woman bought a new Lexus LS400, and returned the next day,complaining that she couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch this!" he said..."Nelson!" The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie!" he continued....and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. The woman drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she'd say, "Beethoven", she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she said, "Beatles!" she'd get one of their awesome songs.
One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she swerved in time to avoid them.
"IDIOTS!" she yelled.
John Kerry came on and introduced the French National Anthem, sung by the Dixie Chicks...
hahaha very good
Thanks I needed that laugh.
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. It could not only dispense drinks flawlessly, but also -- like any good bartender -- engage in appropriate conversation.
A man enters the bar, orders a drink. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, then asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "150." And the robot proceeds to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, etc.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."
He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "100." And immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, baseball, cheerleaders, etc.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He goes back in, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "50." And the robot says, "So, you gonna vote for Kerry and Edwards?"
JOB APPLICATION
NAME: John Kerry
RESIDENCE: 7 mansions, including Washington DC, worth multi-millions.
EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
Law Enforcement - I voted to cut every law enforcement, CIA, and defense bill in my career as a US Senator. I ordered Boston to remove a fire hydrant in front of my mansion, thereby endangering my neighbors in the event of fire.
MILITARY:
I used three minor injuries to get an early discharge from the military and service in Vietnam (as documented by the attending doctor). I then returned to the US, joined Jane Fonda in protesting the war, and insulted returning Vietnam vets, claiming they committed atrocities and were baby killers. I threw my medals, ribbons, or something away in protest.
Or did I? My book, Vietnam Veterans Against the War: The New Soldier, shows how I truly feel about the military.
COLLEGE:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average.
PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for U.S. Congress and have been there ever since. I have no real world experience except marrying rich women and running HJ Heinz vicariously through my wife Teresa
ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
As a US Senator I set the record for the most liberal voting record, exceeding even Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton. I have consistently failed to support our military and CIA by voting against budgets, thus gutting our country's ability to defend itself. Although I voted for the Iraq War, now I am against it and refuse to admit that I voted for it. I voted for every liberal piece of legislation. I have no plan to help this country but I intend to raise taxes significantly if I am elected.
My wealth so far exceeds that of my counterpart, George Bush, that he will never catch up. I make no or little charitable contributions and have never agreed to pay any voluntary excess taxes in MA, despite family wealth in excess of $700 million.
I (we) own 28 manufacturing plants (Heinz) outside of the U.S. in places like Asia, Mexico and Europe. We can make more profit from the cheaper cost of labor in those Countries, although I Blame George Bush for sending all of the jobs out of Country.
Although I claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, Ted Kennedy and I oppose windmills off Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard as it might spoil our view of the ocean as we cruise on our yachts.
RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
None.
PERSONAL
I ride a Serotta Bike.
My Gulfstream V Jet I call The Flying Squirrel.
I call my $850,000 42-foot Hinckley twin diesel yacht the "Scaramouch".
I am fascinated by rap and hip-hop and feel it reflects our real culture.
I own several "Large" SUVs including one parked at my Nantucket summer mansion, though I am against large polluting inefficient vehicles and blame George Bush for the energy problems.
PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004.
Thanks. I am a little under the weather. I think I have the flu.
Hey dark! ya wanta ping the kitties for a little friday fun?
LOL, Now that is a classic.
A clean dirty joke.
Do you know who 5 most important men in any woman's life are?Do you know why they are important?
1. The Doctor. Doctors are important because they tell the women to "take off all of their clothes".
2. The Dentist. Dentists are important because they tell the women to "open wide".
3. The hairdresser. He tells them after "he's teased it enough he really is going to blow it".
4. The enterior decorator. He tells them "once it's in, your really going to love it".
5. The banker. He tells them "if you take it out to soon, your going to lose interest".
A clean dirty joke.
Do you know who 5 most important men in any woman's life are?Do you know why they are important?
1. The Doctor. Doctors are important because they tell the women to "take off all of their clothes".
2. The Dentist. Dentists are important because they tell the women to "open wide".
3. The hairdresser. He tells them after "he's teased it enough he really is going to blow it".
4. The enterior decorator. He tells them "once it's in, your really going to love it".
5. The banker. He tells them "if you take it out to soon, your going to lose interest".
Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
winners.
Darwin Award Winner:
When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled
a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15.
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquorstore window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast . The man, frustrated, walked away.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with your friends and family. Unless of course one of these 10 individuals by chance is a distant relative or a long lost friend. In that case be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
Run quick and at least put a bow on it for birthday decoration of course.
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive...................
So I took her to a gas station!!!!!!!
Things like give 2 million people a fifty cent piece. In the middle they sneak in "Fill your gas tank once".
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