Posted on 10/07/2004 9:43:16 AM PDT by Mr. Silverback
It turns out John Kerry really did have only one strategy for Iraq all along, the same strategy he, his party and his campaign are currently employing on all fronts. It’s even so simple it can be explained in two words: Insult everyone.
Insult the “coalition of the coerced and the bribed.” They’re just “window dressing” and “barely willing to do anything at all.” Pretend they’re fakers, no matter how long they’ve been with us, how much they’ve spent or how many lives they’ve lost.
Insult NATO by ignoring their help in training Iraqi troops, and Germany and Canada by ignoring their help in Afghanistan.
Insult the Prime Minister of Iraq by falsely accusing him of lying to Congress. Don’t worry that the guy survived an assassination attempt with an axe that put him in the hospital for over a year and nearly cost him a leg; he’s not a real Iraqi patriot, just some Bush puppet.
Insult 25,000,000 Iraqis and every victim of terrorists Saddam trained, funded or harbored by saying Iraq’s liberation was a “colossal error of judgment” and “a grand diversion.”
Insult China by acting shocked that anyone would think China would have any influence on the regime in North Korea, which is currently on Chinese life-support. Ditto for the other countries that North Korea could reach with their missiles, it’s not as if their opinion counts.
Insult every potential victim of nuclear terrorism by claiming that giving nuclear material to Iran would have been the only sane way to handle things.
Insult the Israelis by calling their anti-terror wall a “barrier to peace.” Insult the Palestinians by calling it a “legitimate act of self-defense.”
Insult the Australians by sending your sister to tell them their Prime Minister caused the 2002 Bali bombing by helping us in the War on Terror.
Don’t forget to insult Americans too. Insult every Vietnam veteran by reaffirming your false 1971 charges of daily, systematic war crimes by a military system that had become a babykilling genocide machine. This has the added advantage of insulting every Vietnam era veteran, because they would have been babykillers if they’d been sent Da Nang instead of Fort Dix.
Insult those who got deferments by suggesting they’re cowards. This is best done while your deferment-recipient running mate grins and applauds on the stage behind you.
Insult National Guard veterans by alleging they signed up to avoid “real” service. This charge is best led by DNC Chairman Terry McAuliffe, who proved his mettle in the fierce jungle fighting at Catholic University of America in Washington, DC.
Insult everyone who has served in military aviation by having McAuliffe imply that what they do is safe and easy.
Insult the troops in Afghanistan by claiming we’re no longer doing anything of consequence there and that they’re not looking for Osama any more.
Insult every American by drawing moral equivalence between the United States’ development of “bunker buster” nukes and the development of nukes by terrorist nutjobs like Kim Jong Il and the Iranian mullahs.
Insult Reagan Democrats and people who filed past the Gipper’s casket at the rate of 5,000 an hour by calling the Reagan years “eight years of moral darkness.” OK, that’s an old one, but it’s instructive, isn’t it?
Insult anyone who has doubts about you. Your wife can say anyone who doesn’t love your health care plan is an “idiot” in a world full of idiots. Your running mate can say that any American who votes for Bush has lost their mind.
Call me crazy if you want (John Edwards just did) but I keep imagining Triumph the Insult Comic Dog as Kerry’s Secretary of State: “Hello, is this the President of Poland? Your country is a great ally—For me to poop on!” It’s even easier to imagine Teresa Heinz-Kerry turning to Tony Blair at a state dinner and asking in that sweet manner of hers, “So, were you bribed, or coerced?”
I hope Mr. Kerry never gets a chance to hold his “Grand Diversion Excursion Summit” and ask our allies to make “real” contributions, but if he does, I’ll bet he blames the low attendance on Teresa’s pumpkin spice cookies.
This is a great read.
Peach, thanks for the ping!
</kidding>
Nice letter. Add me to this ping list, please.
Hey will they post this in an online edition?
Awesome. Devastatingly awesome.
Thanks very much for you compliments, folks. I appreciate them a lot.
1st Column: Accosted in the WalMart parking lot, received vulgar phone call from some old local nutjob.
2nd Column: New call from old local nutjob.
3rd Column: Nasty barb in the "barbs and blossoms" column in the Ink. The anonymous barb-er decided to really insult me by calling me "pro-life." Two other readers came to my defense, and were quite eloquent when telling my non-fan to shove it.
4th column (on John Kerry's anti-war activities): Threatening phone call, definitely from a Democrat, probably from a union thug. Smacked him around like a girlie man before he hung up.
I'm out to convert, not harass, but when you make the right people mad, it lets you know you're doing things right.
Good work, Mr. S. I think you've nicely summed up the kerry campaign anthem of aggressive negativity.
You folks are added to the ping list.
As the Guiness commercials go: BRILLIANT!
I especially liked the Triumph the Insult Dog line!
Unfortunately, no. The Ink has no website. However, you can forward it to whomever you like in email, my contract gives me full rights outside Freeport. Freepmail me if you plan to do that so I can get my real name attached.
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