Posted on 09/25/2004 11:49:44 AM PDT by Publius
Our intrepid leader, W, prides himself on being a man of strong faith. It is no secret that he turns to God for guidance. If three hurricanes in a row slamming into Florida right before the 2004 election isn't a clear sign from the Almighty that he wasn't pleased with how things went in that state in 2000, I don't know what is. Even George should be able to interpret that sign!
This upcoming election is starting to scare the great citizens of the state of Washington. A recent CNN poll on swing states showed that Washington was the only state that supports John Kerry even more than it supported Al Gore. Another recent survey showed that Seattle was the most educated city in the United States. Correlation? Hmm. If the rest of the more conservative, less educated citizens of the United States decide that W is a great leader and he gets re-elected, it's time for desperate measures.
Here's what we do and how we pull it off: We secede. That's right, we leave the United States and become our own nation. Not forever, just for four years, then we apologize and rejoin the union. First order of business is finding a new name. Because we share our name with our nation's (that's ex-nation's) capital, we are the only state in the union that has to be preceded by the words "in the state of" or called "Washington state" to avoid confusion over what Washington is being discussed. It makes us sound like we all live on a campus in Pullman.
For this story I'm calling our new nation Cascadia ... we can vote on it later. President Bush can't stop us from seceding. What's he going to do? Go to war with us? That would be a political nightmare that even the Bush administration could comprehend. Although we do have an operating nuclear plant and probably the best nuclear scientists in the world working at Hanford, Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld may see us as a threat and decide we need to be taken out. Think twice, Rummy, Wolfy, etc.
Here's where we got 'em: We lead the nation in the production of hops and grapes; we are the home of Microsoft and Starbucks. Yeah, that's right. We control the beer, wine, software and caffeine in this country. Now who needs whom? Maybe you want to negotiate with us, or we cut off the beer, wine, coffee and shut down all the computers. Did I mention that we build all the jets that are produced in this nation? Oh, yeah, we lead the nation in the production of both hydroelectric and wind power. We export energy from Cascadia -- lots of it!
Lights? Heat? You might need those. Will you guys need any food? Besides hops and grapes, Cascadia also leads the nation in the production of apples, cherries, raspberries, lentils, pears, spearmint and wrinkled peas. That's right, I said it: wrinkled peas, baby! We're No. 1. We also make the top 5 list in apricots, peppermint, fall potatoes, plums, wheat, barley and cranberries. Hungry? I thought so. Oh, did I mention that Cascadia is also a leader in lumber, fishing, cattle and dairy production? I'm telling you, they can't touch us! We got what they need!
Imagine what Cascadia would be like if we took all our federal taxes and kept them here. First, the price of jets, beer, wine, coffee, food, energy and software will be going up in the United States. We'll be rolling in dough. New Alaskan Way Viaduct? Done. Light rail from British Columbia to Oregon? Done. New highways? Done. Universal affordable health care? Done. Improved schools? Done. Everybody will be employed in Cascadia's booming economy.
We will look like Eden to the rest of the country; flop sweat will appear on W's head every time someone mentions Cascadia. It'll make him crazy. He'll ask to come visit but since we are now an independent nation, guess what? We tell him we're not interested. Millions of people will want to move here, but since we are an independent nation we only let in whom we want, when we want. Our property values skyrocket! The conservative farmers on the eastside of Cascadia, who initially hated the idea of secession, are all onboard when they see the price their crops are bringing when they can start sending them anywhere in the world.
Of course, we love being Americans. After four years, when we've fixed and built everything we need, we tell the United States that we are ready to rejoin. At that point we control the 2008 presidential election. We simply tell the citizens of United States which president we'd like to see in office and they vote him (or her) in, it's a done deal. The new Democratic president comes to Cascadia to accept us back in the union and everything is forgotten. Americans are now very well aware of where their software, caffeine, beer and wine come from. And we keep our new name -- just to be sure there's no confusion.
Brad Upton just celebrated his 20th year as a stand-up comedian and 48th year as a resident of Cascadia.
And he can count out all that beer as a national product. Can't make beer without hops and grain from E. WA. Same with apples, cherries, plums, etc. And maybe he should buy a few candles because E. WA won't be sending any electricity from those hydro dams either.
So good luck, Cascadia (and take the Willamette Valley with you, okay?)
Actually, we have a lot of volcanoes in our back yard. You just think that we have only one because it's the only one that has blown up recently... :-)
The "most educated" city in the country managed to chase Boeing out of town and has some of the highest unemployment in the country.
This is just more over inflated ego driven crap from Seattle. Tell me, would you put your glorious congressman in charge and normalize relations with North Korea?
Ummm... how is this brainy-lefty sure that God isn't trying to get the Florida Supreme Court's attention?
"Listen up! No more funny stuff!"
Entertaining words - I say take Oregon with you - and it would be interesting to know the exact number of states that would "leave" under a Hillary presidency - :)
This is conjecture and one can go all over with this type of thinking:
If you look at the political map - most of the border states of America go for Socialists Democrats - they gather and spread, much as an invading virus -
With the border states under seizure - (controlling shipping and a whole lot more) - they can then advance into areas(any)that make their march go faster(into strategic locations, etc.) - and on and on and on -
Ah, the fun of what might have been - or - what could be -
I believe this is correct but the wrong conclusion has been drawn by the stupid left. Almost every hurricane that strikes the US hits the coast between Texas and Virginia. EVERY one of those states voted for Bush in 2000 but Florida just barely got it right. I think the Lord is telling them to do better this time!!
You're going to embargo hops?! No local microbrewed beer?!!
Oh, the humanity!
Perish the thought.
I think Hawaii would secede before Washington. However, as to a new name, I think "The Fun Republic of Chuckles" would work well.
They aren't taking a piece of MY country without a fight. :D
East Tennessee stands with the Union!
You forgot to add, "and then let the SOB live."
And it's worse than that. The guy that took two decades to solve the Green River killings is the Republican nominee to the House to replace Jennifer Dunn in the 8th district.
This is indeed a liberal hell-hole, but you have to remember that we are talking about Seattle, Tacoma, and Everett, and NOT the rest of the state.
My POV on this comes from the Good Book itself:
"...so that you may be sons of your Father which is in heaven; for he makes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the just and the unjust." Matthew 5:45.
Some days he just sends more rain than others. :)
he ==> He
Can somebody explain to me why the big cities (esp. coastal) attract so many fruits and nuts? Do they go there just so they can sin in anonymity?
You're going to embargo hops?! No local microbrewed beer?!!
Oh, the humanity!
No problem: use hops from Germany and Britain, and get the grain from New Zealand. We're covered.
Last couple of polls I've seen show Kerry up by 2 - 5 %m here in WA. Given that Seattle metro area is so heavily Kerry that must mean that almost every other voter in the state is for Bush.
These numbers must be scaring the heck out of the Dems.
The foaming at the mouth lefties I work with have been nearly silent since the Republican Convention. Not a word about CBS/Rather, not a word about Allawi (sp).
One of 'em did ask yesterday what I thought about nethercutt/murray, I said I thought it would be close but given that murray is sucha weak senator, that Nethercutt could do it.
Anyone seen any numbers for Gregoire/Rossi?
"President Bush can't stop us from seceding."
Wonder what makes this bozo think he'd try?
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