Posted on 09/25/2004 11:49:44 AM PDT by Publius
Our intrepid leader, W, prides himself on being a man of strong faith. It is no secret that he turns to God for guidance. If three hurricanes in a row slamming into Florida right before the 2004 election isn't a clear sign from the Almighty that he wasn't pleased with how things went in that state in 2000, I don't know what is. Even George should be able to interpret that sign!
This upcoming election is starting to scare the great citizens of the state of Washington. A recent CNN poll on swing states showed that Washington was the only state that supports John Kerry even more than it supported Al Gore. Another recent survey showed that Seattle was the most educated city in the United States. Correlation? Hmm. If the rest of the more conservative, less educated citizens of the United States decide that W is a great leader and he gets re-elected, it's time for desperate measures.
Here's what we do and how we pull it off: We secede. That's right, we leave the United States and become our own nation. Not forever, just for four years, then we apologize and rejoin the union. First order of business is finding a new name. Because we share our name with our nation's (that's ex-nation's) capital, we are the only state in the union that has to be preceded by the words "in the state of" or called "Washington state" to avoid confusion over what Washington is being discussed. It makes us sound like we all live on a campus in Pullman.
For this story I'm calling our new nation Cascadia ... we can vote on it later. President Bush can't stop us from seceding. What's he going to do? Go to war with us? That would be a political nightmare that even the Bush administration could comprehend. Although we do have an operating nuclear plant and probably the best nuclear scientists in the world working at Hanford, Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld may see us as a threat and decide we need to be taken out. Think twice, Rummy, Wolfy, etc.
Here's where we got 'em: We lead the nation in the production of hops and grapes; we are the home of Microsoft and Starbucks. Yeah, that's right. We control the beer, wine, software and caffeine in this country. Now who needs whom? Maybe you want to negotiate with us, or we cut off the beer, wine, coffee and shut down all the computers. Did I mention that we build all the jets that are produced in this nation? Oh, yeah, we lead the nation in the production of both hydroelectric and wind power. We export energy from Cascadia -- lots of it!
Lights? Heat? You might need those. Will you guys need any food? Besides hops and grapes, Cascadia also leads the nation in the production of apples, cherries, raspberries, lentils, pears, spearmint and wrinkled peas. That's right, I said it: wrinkled peas, baby! We're No. 1. We also make the top 5 list in apricots, peppermint, fall potatoes, plums, wheat, barley and cranberries. Hungry? I thought so. Oh, did I mention that Cascadia is also a leader in lumber, fishing, cattle and dairy production? I'm telling you, they can't touch us! We got what they need!
Imagine what Cascadia would be like if we took all our federal taxes and kept them here. First, the price of jets, beer, wine, coffee, food, energy and software will be going up in the United States. We'll be rolling in dough. New Alaskan Way Viaduct? Done. Light rail from British Columbia to Oregon? Done. New highways? Done. Universal affordable health care? Done. Improved schools? Done. Everybody will be employed in Cascadia's booming economy.
We will look like Eden to the rest of the country; flop sweat will appear on W's head every time someone mentions Cascadia. It'll make him crazy. He'll ask to come visit but since we are now an independent nation, guess what? We tell him we're not interested. Millions of people will want to move here, but since we are an independent nation we only let in whom we want, when we want. Our property values skyrocket! The conservative farmers on the eastside of Cascadia, who initially hated the idea of secession, are all onboard when they see the price their crops are bringing when they can start sending them anywhere in the world.
Of course, we love being Americans. After four years, when we've fixed and built everything we need, we tell the United States that we are ready to rejoin. At that point we control the 2008 presidential election. We simply tell the citizens of United States which president we'd like to see in office and they vote him (or her) in, it's a done deal. The new Democratic president comes to Cascadia to accept us back in the union and everything is forgotten. Americans are now very well aware of where their software, caffeine, beer and wine come from. And we keep our new name -- just to be sure there's no confusion.
Brad Upton just celebrated his 20th year as a stand-up comedian and 48th year as a resident of Cascadia.
I would give just about anything to break off from King County right now. This Tent City thing, and the 65/10 (a/k/a What's Ours Is Ours, and What's Yours Is Ours) stuff is too much for me. I can't take it anymore. I've even gone house shopping in Snohomish county with a realtor friend.
Ummmm....no. They left behind a few things.
Educated fools. Being educated is not the same thing as being intelligent.
The Kurds used to do that to the Persians, and they, in turn, did it regularly to the Babylonians!
It works.
I know a lot of "educated people", and only a certain percentage of them are "smart"...
The smart ones must not live in WA.
Sorry to hear Murray in the lead by that much. Tells you a lot about a city that backs a US senator that holds Osama in higher regards than the United States. And she is wrong, we have built day care centers.
The more I think about it, the more I like this idea. I think Washington should secede is Bush wins...and New York, and Massachussetts, and Vermont, and Connecticut and Hawaii. Think how much we could get done in the four years where we had a filibuster-proof majority in the House and the Senate! We could pass our judges, pass meaningful pro-life measures, abolish the I.R.S., pass meaningful election and voter registration reforms, etc.
And after we tell these states that they must wait five years before their votes in the House and Senate will be anything more than advisory votes after they've re-joined the Union, that destroys ANY chance Hillary Clinton will have of being President until 2016 even if she takes her broom back to Arkansas.
So go ahead, Washington. Make my day.
Yes it is in the Fremont district.
Cool!
"Workers of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your jobs."
I saw "this woman" at the dedication ceremony for the new Mount Vernon train station a few weeks ago. She's truly tiny in person. She gave a good speech, which tells me it was written by her staff.
Fort Shoreline. ROFL!
Not only that but we are the most terrorist-friendly.
Well I reckon you've got something there. Not only do you have whacko politcos and Rachel Corries you even had Mohammed and Malvos co-religionists training in the region didn"t you?
I feel your pain brudda.
Thanks. We have the worst job of all the freepers, standing up the mess out here. But we're tough.
standing up *to* the mess out here....I need to go to bed.
Worked for several years with a guy from Portland who was one sneaky, creepy weirdo. Avoided him like bubonic plague. At least he moved back. Still might see him someday in the news when the police are digging up his yard :<{
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