Posted on 09/06/2004 9:05:23 AM PDT by Davis
E-mail to Candidate Kerry #15
From: James (Cooter) Thompson
re: Picnic, Polls, and Discouraged People
Dear Senator kerry:
Cooter reporting:
The Lagniappe Volunteer Fire Company held its Annual Picnic Sunday afternoon of Labor Day weekend over to Ellesmere Park. Tom Milo's Big Band was on hand making merry music. We encouraged our Fire Chief, Smilin' Jack Boudreau, to climb into his accordion and play and sing some rousing tunes. There was plenty of covered dishes filled with good food, chili with and without beans, pots of gumbo, plenty of cold Dr Pepper, games for the youngsters. A good time was had by most. The pledged Democrats like Artie Goodwrench, Sally Blowdry, and Rick Harpoon were not happy. (I am using made-up names to protect the innocent.)
Artie and Rick were convinced your campaign is in serious trouble. They are laying the blame for that on your speechwriters and stage directors. They said they were convinced your staff needs a shakeout and you got to fire the lamebrains who got you running as a war hero. They see you recently added new "advisers" at the very top but you didn't fire the incompetents. Which you should do, of course.
The way Artie and Rick see it, claiming you was a war hero never made much sense. You only served about four months of active duty in Nam. You enlisted in the Navy Reserve only after your draft board turned you down for a student deferment—you said you wanted to study in Paris, France—you didn't come charging up to the recruitment office on a red white and blue Harley. Just your luck you were activated.
But even if you had been a gung-ho warrior, that was thirty-five years ago, and it doesn't have a particular bearing on your qualifications for President. Focusing on your Swift Boat adventures has exposed you to severe criticism and you haven't answered the charges the Swiftees leveled at you. Artie and Rick agree with me, Boudreau, Amen Yazoo, and the Daryl's Bait Shop regulars that you have got to step forward and clarify.
That would demonstrate your political courage and your good character.
Particularly, you have got to explain why you are claiming to be a hero now when immediately on your return from Nam, in disgust with America, you tossed your war medals and ribbons away—or someone's—and called your comrades and commanders war criminals.
You haven't explained your Cambodian Christmas tale but it's pretty evident even to Rick, Artie, and Sally, that it was fiction. Even your authorized biographer, Doug Brinkley, has refused to certify that story. Likewise, your speech writers and explainers, paid and volunteer, have abandoned it, just like they abandoned your story of the CIA hat you claimed to have carried around in your briefcase for over 30 years.
They have also abandoned the claim that you were under enemy fire the first Purple Heart you put in for, a scratch on your arm treated with a Band-Aid. By silence, your allies are now agreeing with the Swiftees that it happened when you shot off a rocket grenade too close to your boat. It's all over the Internet, regardless of the stubborn resistance of the gatekeepers of the Press.
Rick and Artie are bitter about your pretended friends in the so called mainstream press, like that Rich guy in the NYTimes who thinks the way to promote your candidacy is to call George Bush a sissy and you a war hero without challenging the content of the Swiftees' charges—as if that will make them invisible and take the sting out of their claim that you are Unfit for Command.
Sally Blowdry is pretty much discouraged by the jump in the polls for George Bush following the Republican Convention in New York City. She thinks you should have followed the tip we gave you back in May in the first of these e-mails. Lay off the Vietnam stuff. Of course that's not possible any more.
Sally had been flirting with the idea that you had been deliberately aiming to make yourself an underdog to get the people cheering for you, but she recently changed her mind. "It is so discouraging," she said. "A lot of Democrats I know are going to sit this one out. They don't like George Bush, but they don't trust John Kerry."
That's the way it is down here in Lagniappe, Senator. You have a Happy Labor Day, hear!
Sincerely,
Cooter (with the help of J. Boudreau, A. Yazoo, and A. Trentino)
Tell it like it is Cooter!
BUMP!
(BTW...where's Lagniappe? LA?)
John Kerry would be wise to listen to Thompson, But like most democrats he prefers arrogant ignorance.
FMCDH(BITS)
Terry Kerry deoesn't even let mail from Laniappe into any of the Kerry palaces, especially, the palatial mansion in Back Bay, Boston. You bayou folks remind her to much of the folks she and her family back in Mozambique used to, well, own.
It's right between Hog Wallow and 'Possum Trot.
Lagniappe must be near Hadleyville where they hold the drag races. You remember, when Lorna Gibbs beat Frank Gaston.
Check in your Atlas or Mapquest for Ellesmere Park. That's where they held the firemen's picnic. If all else fails, look up Armen Yazoo in the white pages.
Lagniappe has gotta be there somewhere.
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