Swift Yacht Veterans Unveil Campaign Commercial: Claim John Kerry was a “Jolly Good Fellow”

Brokennewz.com ^

[Gopher Broke]

Swift Yacht Veterans Unveil Campaign Commercial: Claim John Kerry was a “Jolly Good Fellow” and a “Dapper Gentleman Indeed”

8/23/2004 - Robert Krupto

In a stinging retort to criticisms levied by the Swift Boat Veterans, who claim that John Kerry’s heroic Vietnam record is fabricated, the Massachusetts-based Swift Yacht Veterans will unveil a commercial in which they maintain that Kerry is a “jolly good fellow” and a “dapper gentleman indeed.”

The ad features three white-haired men dressed in sailor hats, cravats, and blue, anchor-lapelled blazers; all of the men are sipping cognac, and two of them smoke pipes. They all claim to be Swift Yacht Veterans who knew Kerry during his “uproarious” days at the yacht club.

Highlights from the ad include:

“I had the pleasure of making Master Kerry’s acquaintance on many a jovial occasion,” claims Beauregard Kendalson, “and I say with full confidence that Kerry cares about the little people, even Negroes.”

“In the summer of ’72 John and I took the yacht to Lisbon,” says Jacob Allen Reimschneider in between sips of cognac, “we were alone … at sea … for three months … and there was … surprisingly little … homosexual activity. That bespeaks … determination and leadership to me.”

Another Swift Yacht Veteran, William Holmes III, claims, in what appears to be an affected British accent, that John Kerry was “there for him” during a troubled time in his life. “John kept me from killing myself—not literally, of course,” says Mr. Holmes III, guffawing at his own ‘joke’, “my Rolls was in the shop, Lovie had slipped into one of her moods, I had lost a few million in the market, and they were repainting my summer home—I had nowhere to go to wind down. John was like, ‘that’s it, were going to the Riviera.’ I tried to argue, but he was like, ‘no ifs or buts, we’re going William.’ And we went for three weeks. I don’t know what would have happened if John hadn’t been so courageous. I owe him my life.”

A spokesman for President Bush says that the ad is “disingenuous,” and that, “John Kerry is letting the Swift Yacht Captains do his blue-blood work for him.”

[Gopher Broke]

Love Boat, Bass Boat Vets Also Shun John Kerry

8/19/2004 - Matt Myford



Veterans of the TV series “Love Boat” joined ranks with tobacco-chewing, beer-swilling Bass Boat Veterans in a news conference that criticized Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry.

Along with the much-publicized Swift Boat Vets, the Love Boat Vets and Bass Boat Vets virtually guarantee that three-fourths of the U.S. voting public who ever floated on water will not vote for Kerry.

Kerry aides called the announcement “disheartening” and said their candidate would attempt to “grab the votes of anyone who’s been on a train.”

“We’ve lost the boat people,” an unnamed Kerry adviser said. “But maybe we could get the train-voting bloc.”

The Love Boat Vets will look to keep a low profile, sources said. One Love Boat Vets spokesperson said if his group “gets too visible” they may “invoke painful memories” to TV viewers of the late 70s and early 80s.

The Bass Boat Vets, meanwhile, will look to gather support of others, including the Tour Guide Boat Vets, the Tugboat Vets, and the Steamboat Vets.

“Yeah, you heard right,” a Bass Boat Vets spokesman said. “There’s a couple fellows in Missouri pushing 120 years old. They’re the last two living remnants of a bygone era…and we hear they don’t like Kerry.”

Reporters were able to gather comments from one of the Steamboat Vets, 118-year old Lloyd Hillenbacher. The feisty old man said, “I’ll add crankiness to our cause. You may think the Swift Boat Vets are cranky, but until you’ve seen a guy born in 1886 who piloted steamboats at the turn of the last century, served in World War I, lived through the Great Depression, and hasn’t had a regular bowel movement since 1959, you ain’t seen cranky, son.”

[quantim]