It's Never a Lie When Your Wife Tells It

Weekly Standard ^ | Larry Miller

[Hillary's Folly]

And there is always this Larry Miller classic from years ago:

The Five Stages of Drinking (by Larry Miller)

LEVEL 1:

It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool."

LEVEL 2:

It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool."

LEVEL 3:

One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool."

LEVEL 4:

Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ...after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ....cool."

LEVEL 5:

Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "......and this time, I mean it!"

[eastforker]

You left out the rest of the story. You go to work anyway after washing your face, you get several packs of breath mints on the way. You gobble down a breakfast taco and chase it with a spicy V-8. At 9 AM you dream of getting off at 5, going home and go to bed. At noon you start to get your second wind. By three o'clock you are functioning perfectly. At quiting time your buddy says "Lets stop off and have a cold one at the new bar around the corner, they say the barmaids are worth checking out"! And you reply , well, maybe just for one...........

[Bacon Man]

Got the Tivo on the lookout for it's next showing.

Update: It's on again August 18th at 12:05pm.

[watchin]

(With pathological optimism, every man translates whatever his wife says as, "If you go along with things, maybe later I'll let you touch me." This is generally ill-founded.)

Too true, and too bad. It inevitably leads to a marriage disaster. No woman who uses sex as leverage should ever complain that sex seems impersonal and cold.

When she finally rules the roost completely - something she has fought for for years - she holds him in contempt for being so weak. He resents her for using sex for control, rather than affection.

Maybe men should only dispense hugs when their wives have earned them, and otherwise refrain until they get their way. If a woman's "hug-drive" matched a man's sex-drive, this might be worth a try.

[watchin]

Advice like that probably explains the current divorce rate.

I've been married for twenty one years, and practiced that nonsense, until I realized that I got "sardines and couch pillows" for almost any offense, almost as a matter of course.

Giving in for so many years gave her absolute power, and earned me contempt. Learn to cook. If she doesn't want you in her bed, show her the couch. Earn some respect, like she has.

[watchin]

I saw an older couple in the mall several months back. She marched along on a mission, and he trudged several steps behind her. His T-shirt simply said, "Yes, Dear". Maybe that was you?

[TexasCowboy]

What I said was tongue in cheek.

I don't take any crap from any woman......or man.

[watchin]

Only in a sad and pathetic sort of way.

[watchin]

Glad to hear it.

I know this thread is "all in fun", but I see too many marriages crash on the very rocks we're laughing about.

[Xenalyte]

Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night . . .

See? I'm not the only one who thinks so!

[Xenalyte]

Sa-WEET! Now if you can only get Debbie Downer and Harry Potter Puberty, we are on velvet.

[Xenalyte]

You take crap from me, but that's what I'm paid for. It says so on my bidness card. ;)

[TexasCowboy]

From you, anytime!

Smooch!!!!!!!!

[tet68]

Ok, it all turned out, but what did your HUSBAND get?
(you said you were going to the gun store?!)

[Quilla]

...but what did your HUSBAND get?

My resolve in remaining a lady prevents me from sharing those salacious details. ;-)

Actually, we went to two gun shops and neither one had anything that caught his eye. He is in the market for a Weatherby 30-378 (and we just learned of the 33-378 yesterday). A big buck expo will be in town next weekend and hopefully I can pick him one up there. He's ok with delay. Did I mention he was a saint?

[Gone_Postal]

It's Never a Lie When Your Wife Tells It

Isnit that the truth

[ethical]

That was so funny. I laughed outloud, gotta send it to my son.

[Bacon Man]

Sa-WEET! Now if you can only get Debbie Downer and Harry Potter Puberty, we are on velvet.

I'm sure it'll run again. I have the Tivo recording SNL every week looking for stuff like that.

[Bacon Man]

Oh yes, from the same HBO special if I remember correctly.

[Bacon Man]

Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night . . .

A battle I still wage on a regular basis. :)