Posted on 08/02/2004 5:49:37 AM PDT by BluegrassScholar
Edited on 08/02/2004 10:43:46 AM PDT by Admin Moderator. [history]
Carrie is 2 years old, with curly brown hair and Windex-blue eyes. In a still-life portrait, she would be adorable. In three dimensions, she's a cross between a Gerber baby and the Tasmanian devil. Bang. Bang, bang, bang, and bang and bang.
That's the noise of the plastic water cup she is whacking against the ceramic-topped table of a neighborhood coffeehouse whose concrete floors function like an echo chamber. If she had a hammer she would have destroyed the table by now, and I'm pretty sure her parents would've let her. People look up from their lattes, squint at the diminutive figure making the big, ear-splitting noise, and try to continue with their newspapers or conversations. The banging goes on for a good 10 minutes. Normally, I would say something -- I'm not shy about these things -- but I'm curious to know just how long her parents, with whom I'm having coffee, will let this go. The answer: Indefinitely. They don't even seem to notice. Maybe they're just used to it?
On some primal level, Carrie must be offended that she's not the center of attention. There is anger in her banging, along with what I read as malice. As she grows even more restive, her father lowers her to the floor. Still clutching the cup, Carrie crawls through the room, pounding on the concrete floor as she goes along, giving everyone an up-close earful of her drum solo.
A few weeks later, I'm at a party, mostly adults with a few kids sprinkled in, among them the volcanically unruly 5-year-old son of a friend. As I squat down to greet him, he responds by biting me in the arm, leaving teeth marks through a shirt and a sweater. I am just about to spank his little behind when I realize I'm in dangerous territory. People go to jail for that these days.
Dang! I think I'd likely react with a back hand, bend over child on his/her back, look insane, and slowly, very visibly, regain control (which I hadn't lost at all). Then I'd say, "I'm sorry for hitting you. I love you. This is why I need to tell you that there are some things that you just can't say to people without consequences." Children will insist you define their limits. If you do not appropriately, one day you will, inappropriately. I suspect strongly this is why we hear so many horror tales of parents going off on their kids.
The article may tilt a little too much toward sweeping statements about the way parents are these days. There are indulgent parents, but we tend not to notice well-behaved children, and so it's important IMHO to keep this in perspective.
We have two children, currently six and two years old. We often take them to a coffee shop in our little town where we are known by the owners, and so they are perfectly comfortable with our kids laughing and frolicking, within reason. That said, there are lines that they are not permitted to traverse. They cannot be too loud, they cannot approach other tables, they cannot get anywhere near anything breakable.
When we are someplace we are not known, it's a different story. Our kids on the first transgression (bothering someone at the next table, being loud, whatever) are sharply admonished not to do that. If it happens again we simply remove them. In general they know, thankfully, what sort of behavior is not tolerable. When they (especially the younger one) forget, measures are taken.
I don't much care for the absolutist insistence that children are not welcome in places where childless people congregate. To be sure, we would certainly never dream of taking them to a movie not meant for children. OTOH, parents with children need to live in society too. So I find it absurd to get too cranky about children on airplanes, as long as the parents are trying to keep them calm.
"The worst-behaved kids are the kids of LIBERALS, in general. In general, the best-behaved kids are the kids of CONSERVATIVES."
In simple terms, it's because conservatives accept cause-and-effect while liberals deny its existence.
Sad. "They" want our kids. Then they can create a world to their liking.
GREAT ARTICLE. PLENTY TRUE.
However, a more simple answer is also true. A major reason parents don't say
NO!
to their children is
they never learned to wisely say NO! to their own selfishness and personal idolatrous pleasure seeking.
CONGRATS! Impressive.
I persistently go out of my way to applaud wise, loving and firm public parenting.
And, I've been known to hand parents a 3 X 5 card with 'helpful counselor suggestions' when the parenting has been rather nonexistent.
I USUALLY do the latter as I'm leaving but not always. Usually, have been able to word things in a way that the parents receives it as helpful.
Occasionally, I leave a note that's merely a warning that if the observed trend continues, the parent should prepare themselves to visit their child in prison.
Amazingly, I'm still alive.
I think.
The conclusion that I drew from this is that German dogs are better behaved than German children...
Strictness in and of itself can too often primarily result in rebellion.
DISCIPLINE WITHOUT ADEQUATE LOVING RELATIONSHIP RESULTS IN REBELLION.
GOOD FOR YOU!
Of course, I come from a mother who never hesitated in public. She didn't bother taking me behind a display or out to the car. Wherever the offense occurred was quite OK with her--she could wail the tar out of me most any where with great vigor.
And, she could just as quickly intrude to tell any other wimpy parent what they OUGHT to do to their misbehaving child. What can I say. That's mother.
When my 6 year old dental experience resulted in her learning that to stop a screaming child by covering their mouth--and if necessary pinching their nose off and on--until they decided that breathing was more important than screaming--mother became a vigorous salesperson for the method wherever she went. So much so, that the church had to remove her from working in the nursery. Some parents were not too thrilled with the method.
Hubby's great-grandson pulled this stunt in my driveway about a month ago. At age 7, he should know better, but he informed us that he wanted to "beat the sh*t out of her," referring to his mother.
So I took the little gentleman aside and informed him that if he ever talked that way again about his mother, or if he ever did hit her, he not only wasn't going to get to come to my house ever again (which is a particular treat he loves), even when he was big, but I was going to have his uncle Joe blister his butt. Not much hope, though.
We shall see...
What a nice story.
When counseling clients--marriage problems--would insist they couldn't find a sitter, I'd typically say something like--Well, it's not ideal. However, you can bring the child with this understanding:
You will control the child or I will control the child or you will leave.
Typically, the 2 year old that's in charge of the family will be in the counseling office 2 minutes and the testing begins.
me: "Johnny, if you reach toward that lamp again, I will put you on my lap."
Of course, Johnny reaches immediately. Johnny just as immediately goes on my lap. Johnny immediately begins screaming. See above post about hand over mouth.
Johnny decides breathing is more important and eventually meets my criteria of being calm for 2 minutes before I put him down. Of course he has to be comforted by dear parents and protected from the mean Dr.
2nd session. Johnny starts to test. Discovers the criteria have not changed 1%. Pretty soon, Johnny won't leave my lap and just clings to me, hangs on me. SOMEONE HAS FINALLY BROUGHT CONTROL AND ORDER TO HIS LITTLE CHAOTIC LIFE. It's not sane or comforting being in control of nuclear weapons or a family when one is 2 years old.
YUP!
ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
Never mind, I'll tell you later. Everybody has a kid/airplane story. But mine is better than yours.
Oh, but their Self Esteem! I can’t hurt their feelings! They have to express themselves!
I have had these types in my home on rare occasions. I would discipline the brat if necessary, and explain to the parents why.
Most of our friends were bikers (Harley Riders, not bicyclists) or military and were no problem. These people had the best behaved kids on the planet.
AMEN! AMEN! AMEN!
Taliesan West or East?
Great article, thanks for the ping.
CONGRATULATIONS!
CHEERS! CHEERS! CHEERS!
GOD'S BEST TO YOU AND YOURS!
You are living proof that some sane parenting is still around! What an encouragement!
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.