Free Republic
Browse · Search
News/Activism
Topics · Post Article

Skip to comments.

Licorice Speaks (Vanessa Kerry's hamster)
NY Times ^ | July 31, 2004 | COLIN McENROE

Posted on 07/30/2004 10:05:26 PM PDT by neverdem

OP-ED CONTRIBUTOR

My name is Licorice, and I am a hamster.

I have never shared my story before because, frankly, sometimes all a hamster has is his privacy. Thursday night, however, Alexandra Kerry described the circumstances of my rescue by her father after I had fallen off a pier in Massachusetts.

I have come forward now to set the record straight.

I was the hamster of Alexandra's sister, Vanessa, and she, on balance, was a good person, although a bit of a tickler. On this occasion, as the family gathered on the pier to depart for a vacation, somebody - I'm not saying it was Alexandra; I'm not saying it was on purpose - "bumped" my cage, and the next thing I knew, I was in the water and sinking fast.

I saw my whole life pass before my eyes. My life has not been all that interesting, so it wasn't exactly like watching "The Godfather I and II." I mean, I'm a hamster. I could see a bright light, but I seemed to be on a wheel that rotated as I ran, so I never got any closer. But I was aware of a shining, all-loving divine rodent presence telling me: "It's not time yet. You have more to do on earth."

"Like what?" I asked, but I could already feel myself back in my body, could feel strong hands yanking open my cage and pulling me upward to safety.

Yes, it was John Kerry. Help was on the way. Yes, he did perform CPR. Yes, he did perform mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. There is no doubt that I owe him my life. On the other hand, the water went up to his chest, O.K.? I mean, this wasn't exactly PT-109.

It's also true that I wound up suing the family. I have continuing health problems, including a partial paralysis on my right side that makes it difficult for me to drink out of a regular water bottle. And let's just say there aren't going to be any Licorice Jr.'s. One of the small pleasures of hamster life denied.

There was a settlement. I can't talk about it. I got enough to pay for a daily home health aide.

How do I feel about John Kerry? Mainly, I'm grateful he wasn't married to that Heinz woman when this happened. You think she would have allowed him to jump in the water in his J. Press poplin slacks? Food pellets wouldn't melt in her mouth. I'd have drowned and been eaten by lobsters.

And I'm glad I wasn't a Bush family pet. Their hamsters probably have to rescue them, from the looks of things.

I might wind up speaking at the Republican convention, though. I'm opposed to stem cell research. With any kind of research, hamsters always wind up taking it right on the chin. And we barely even have chins.

Colin McEnroe is a radio talk show host and writer.


TOPICS: Culture/Society; Editorial; News/Current Events; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: cpr; geresaysthankstoo; halpusjoncarry; hamster; hanoihamster; iamwearingadiaper; licoriceisaeuphemism; licoricespeaks; oopsicrappedmypants; savingprivatehamster; stuckiniraq; whatisinaname
Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first previous 1-2021-4041-6061-80 ... 121-125 next last
To: potlatch

OMG---its too late to be laughing this hard!


21 posted on 07/30/2004 10:36:16 PM PDT by two23
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 8 | View Replies]

To: two23

Naaaaaaa.......it's NEVER too late to be laughing this hard!


22 posted on 07/30/2004 10:36:51 PM PDT by Brad’s Gramma (Sure glad I was old enough to vote for President Reagan!!!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 21 | View Replies]

To: Wild Irish Rogue

Hanoi Hamster Ping!!! LOL!!!


23 posted on 07/30/2004 10:38:38 PM PDT by Brad’s Gramma (Sure glad I was old enough to vote for President Reagan!!!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: prairiebreeze; onyx; Texasforever; CyberAnt; BigSkyFreeper; Tamsey; mrs tiggywinkle; EllaMinnow; ...
Yes, it was John Kerry. Help was on the way. Yes, he did perform CPR. Yes, he did perform mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. There is no doubt that I owe him my life. On the other hand, the water went up to his chest, O.K.? I mean, this wasn't exactly PT-109.

Saving Private Hamster ping ... ahahahahahaha

24 posted on 07/30/2004 10:41:42 PM PDT by Mo1 (Kerry & Edwards .... they will leave no Special Interest Group behind)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Brad's Gramma

If I get to giggling I won't get back to sleep.


25 posted on 07/30/2004 10:43:07 PM PDT by onyx (The FRENCH capitulate. Are you FRENCH or GOP? BUSH/CHENEY '04.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 20 | View Replies]

To: Brad's Gramma

People are trying to sleep....! I scared the dogs!


26 posted on 07/30/2004 10:43:33 PM PDT by two23
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 22 | View Replies]

To: two23; Mo1; onyx

LOL!!!!!!!!


27 posted on 07/30/2004 10:44:13 PM PDT by Brad’s Gramma (Sure glad I was old enough to vote for President Reagan!!!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 26 | View Replies]

To: Mo1; Brad's Gramma

Saving Private Hamster ping... LOL-LOL-LOL!
That did it.


28 posted on 07/30/2004 10:44:14 PM PDT by onyx (The FRENCH capitulate. Are you FRENCH or GOP? BUSH/CHENEY '04.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 24 | View Replies]

To: Brad's Gramma

Ok.
Now what?


29 posted on 07/30/2004 10:44:49 PM PDT by onyx (The FRENCH capitulate. Are you FRENCH or GOP? BUSH/CHENEY '04.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 27 | View Replies]

To: onyx; Mo1

Mo.....do you realize this woman has hurt her ribs? You should NOT be posting stuff like Saving Private Hamster!!!

HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA


30 posted on 07/30/2004 10:45:23 PM PDT by Brad’s Gramma (Sure glad I was old enough to vote for President Reagan!!!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 28 | View Replies]

To: Mo1
I could see a bright light, but I seemed to be on a wheel that rotated as I ran, so I never got any closer.

Hysterical!

31 posted on 07/30/2004 10:46:18 PM PDT by My2Cents (http://www.conservativesforbush.com)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 24 | View Replies]

To: Brad's Gramma

sorry :0)


32 posted on 07/30/2004 10:46:55 PM PDT by Mo1 (Kerry & Edwards .... they will leave no Special Interest Group behind)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 30 | View Replies]

To: onyx

I was laughing at all 3 of youse people's posts. It was easier to LOL once rather than LOL to one of you and then LOL to the next and then LOL to the third.

Ya know.

See new tag line.


33 posted on 07/30/2004 10:47:12 PM PDT by Brad’s Gramma (If only hamsters could vote.......)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 29 | View Replies]

To: Brad's Gramma

Mo1, my ribs are FINE.
I dislocated a shoulder but it's mending fast.
In time for Sunday.
I am going to back to bed for a while,
but I am smiling (sort of).


34 posted on 07/30/2004 10:47:58 PM PDT by onyx (The FRENCH capitulate. Are you FRENCH or GOP? BUSH/CHENEY '04.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 30 | View Replies]

To: neverdem

35 posted on 07/30/2004 10:48:08 PM PDT by My2Cents (http://www.conservativesforbush.com)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: neverdem


"Since he saved my life, I've patterned my life after John. *Psst!* Don't tell him, but my bike's cooler than his."
36 posted on 07/30/2004 10:48:14 PM PDT by Rastus (Forget it, Moby! I'm voting for Bush!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: not_apathetic_anymore

Thanks for the link, LOL


37 posted on 07/30/2004 10:48:18 PM PDT by neverdem (Xin loi min oi)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 5 | View Replies]

To: Brad's Gramma

ROFLOL!
Perfect tagline.
I love that!


38 posted on 07/30/2004 10:48:40 PM PDT by onyx (The FRENCH capitulate. Are you FRENCH or GOP? BUSH/CHENEY '04.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 33 | View Replies]

To: Brad's Gramma
See new tag line

HAHAHAHAHA

Kerry Promises Free Health care to all Hamsters

39 posted on 07/30/2004 10:48:58 PM PDT by Mo1 (Kerry & Edwards .... they will leave no Special Interest Group behind)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 33 | View Replies]

To: onyx

You will be JUST ABOUT FALLING ASLEEP and you'll remember this thread.

You'll lay there, laughing, trying not to wake Mr. onyx.

Your bed will shake.

You will NOT be able to control yourself.

Trust me.


40 posted on 07/30/2004 10:49:10 PM PDT by Brad’s Gramma (If only hamsters could vote.......)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 34 | View Replies]


Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first previous 1-2021-4041-6061-80 ... 121-125 next last

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

Free Republic
Browse · Search
News/Activism
Topics · Post Article

FreeRepublic, LLC, PO BOX 9771, FRESNO, CA 93794
FreeRepublic.com is powered by software copyright 2000-2008 John Robinson