Posted on 07/19/2004 5:24:54 PM PDT by RedBloodedAmerican
Martha Stewart Living Hell
Eight easy-to-follow rules for avoiding a date with the Federal Penitentiary
Here at SmartMoney, we like to believe that our readers are towering icons of moral rectitude who would never dream of playing fast and loose with the securities laws of this great nation. But on the odd chance that a few subscribers are more like Martha Stewart, here are a few suggestions on how to avoid running afoul of the authorities and landing in the calaboose.
1. Don't lie to the federal investigators. Not to be confused with telling the truth. When asked why you unloaded that plummeting stock, for example, you might reply: for estate planning purposes or automatic quarterly redemptions recommended by your CPA or in order to raise cash to buy and apartment for a beloved child. Corporate insiders regularly use such absurd lame excuses for trading on inside information and no one ever gets indicted, much less convicted. But once you start blubbering about mysterious prearranged sale prices without solid physical evidence of thier existence, the feds get suspicious and the most unsophisticated jury knows you are lying.
2. Never let your lawyer tell a jury that you are too smart you have committed a crime so dumb. George Armstrong Custer was a smart guy, and look what happened to him. The wizards at Long-Term Capital management were certified geniuses, yet they almost brought the financial world to its knees when they made the wrong bet on the Russian economy a few years ago. The folks who run Apple are as smart as they come, but they're the clowns who introduced the Newton. Always remember: Being really, really smart is never a defense for acting really, really dumb.
3. Under no circumstances invite Rosie O'Donnell to your trial. Has-beens like O'Donnell have a hard time understanding that once the American public decides they don't like you anymore, they immediately deny that they ever liked you. By the time the overexposed ham shows up at Stewarts trial, she had lost more than $10 million underwriting Boy George's spectacularly awful musical, Taboo; had to endure a humiliating lawsuit involving her exit from the magazine that once bore her name; had hired a gun-toting bodyguard to protect her son, despite her ostensible opposition to handguns; and had generally worn out her welcome. After the trial, one juror said the jury had viewed the presence of O'Donnell in the courtroom as a personal insult. Some of us view her presence in this society the very same way.
4. If you do have to invite celebrities to impress the jury, try to find somebody a bit more famous than Brian Dennehy. Think Brad Pitt. Think J.Lo. If you cant do any better than Dennehy, the jury might get the idea you don't really mind going to prison.
5. Hire a lawyer who actually mounts a defense. Stewarts team called almost no witnesses, never put her on the stand, wrapped up the defense in the twinkling of an eye and insulted the jury. If she's so smart, where'd she find these guys?
6. Tell your well-meaning, burned-out friend Bill Cosby to stay home. The idea of going to prison is no longer funny, and neither is Bill Cosby.
7. Really, really think twice about bringing Rosie O'Donnell into the courtroom. And if she insists on coming, make doubly sure she doesn't bring Boy George. You don't want to provoke the judge into giving you life without parole.
8. Never abuse the little people. You don't know when you might need their helpful testimony. The highflying Stewart was ultimately brought low by the testimony of her stockbrokers assistant and her own secretary. If shed only been a little nicer, perhaps their own memories would have failed them in court.
Ping!
HA!!!!!!!!!!!!
Look for Martha Stewart's tips for decorating your cell in the next issue!
And she had better learn about overexposure as fast as possible.
"Blue light special, cell block C!"
Somebody should have proof read this before publication.
You dont buy "and apartment".
I was watching those. They also did one on her last year, I think. Pretty nice. I was trying to figure out the landscape out the window.
As long as Bill Clinton walks free, our prisons should be empty. Bill Clinton did more damage to our way of life than any coke-snorting murderer. Justice spit us all in the eye the day he walked away to make a fortune.
Put Clinton in jail or let everybody else go...until then don't tell me how Martha Steward should be in lock-up.
Martha sold some stock. Clinton sold national secrets. Martha sold crabcakes. Clinton lied under oath to a grand jury. And by the way, that was Martha's crime. She lied to the FBI.
Chili for a Crowd recipes in the side column.
LOL!!
Martha is on Larry king Alive tonight and she is sooooooooo pitiful. What a whiner!
I hope the inmates at Danbury Prison get to see this interview before she arrives. Martha will get some schoolin' from them, and wish she had Rosie with her, as they would probably fear Rosie!
She is making all these appearances in order to sway opinion for her appeal.
Which sales were reported, and DEFENDED at the time!!!
RED CHINA was "HELL BENT for LEATHER" to develop the NEUTRON BOMB!!
Clinton's choice was [1] ignore the fallout from their ultimately successful development, albiet with Multiple ATMOSPHERIC TESTS, or [2] give the RED CHINESE the computer codes to [A] help them, and [B] avert a whole GENERATION hooked on Strontium 90!!!
Ain't that the truth!
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