E-mail to Candidate Kerry #9 - Vice President Candidate

The Conning Tower ^ | July 14, 2004 | Trentino

[Davis]

Dear Senator kerry:

The news that you have finally decided on a vice-presidential candidate has percolated down to me and Boudreau and the rest of the guys at Daryl's Bait Shop here in Lagniappe, Louisiana.

I can tell you confidentially that none of us were whooping and cheering, "Glory be! Kerry picked a Southerner for VP." To begin with, we are American, first, last, and always, and we believe the rumors that the War Between the States been over for a considerable quantity of time.

Second, there is a kind of cold calculating condescension involved here which leaves a bad taste in our mouths, like drinking Chet Ford's hooch. By picking John Edwards, you aren't changing your Massachusetts Liberal stripes. And if the guy running for President is from Massachusetts and the VP candidate is from North Carolina, we don't read it as meaning the both of you are from, say, Pennsylvania or maybe Maryland, in the middle, along the Mason-Dixon line. And we ain't none of us programmed robots or one of Dr. Pavlov's dogs, salivatin' when the bell rings. You got to persuade.

Balancing the ticket by geography don't impress us no more than balancing the ticket by height or weight. Armen Yazoo thinks you should have chosen someone to supply the Presidential characteristics you lack—decisiveness, leadership, charm, optimism, and so on. Armen is generally too analytical for me and Boudreau, but we have a feeling that this is the consensus of the highbrow element at Daryl's.

Of course we intend to steer clear of any discussion of your and Mr. Edwards' hair. That is stuff for cartoons. If hairiness was the measure of fitness for high office, with that mop of black hair on his head, hairy tufts on his chest and shoulders, and tight furry curls on his knuckles, ol' Herm Harrison would be president right now. But thank heaven, he's not.

It seems to us that you chose John Edwards not for any qualities of leadership, judgment, and character he has shown in his lucrative career as ambulance chaser, but just because you think his friendly personality improves your chance of being elected. But we have doubts about this.

Armen Yazoo claims there is not a "scintilla of evidence" that vice-presidential candidates add votes to the ticket. The voters know who's driving the car and who is the fifth wheel. And there is testimony from John Nance Garner, a plain speaker from Texas not known to mince words, the VP job itself ain't worth a bucket of warm spit, and Garner should know—he was Veep during Franklin Roosevelt's first term.

So, there you have it, Senator. This week's polls don't show you got any upward bump for your ticket from naming Senator Edwards. And there isn't much likelihood, in our judgment, for Mr. Edwards ever to do you much good at getting elected.

During the primaries John Edwards never did well except in his own home state of North Carolina, like the defunct Dr. Dean in his home state of Vermont. Edwards' pledge to take the fight to "big corporations, pharmaceutical companies, big insurance companies, big HMOs" seems to be in conflict with your position as husband of TeRayza Heinz who figures to be worth over $500,000,000 in ketchup, baked beans and shares of common stock of big corporations. And anyway, it's just bluff and bluster along with Edwards' loony stump speech about two Americas.

While proclaiming his solidarity with struggling working people, damning overseas outsourcing and making a to-do about his father being a millworker—his father actually was a textile mill production manager, quite a different job—Senator Edwards himself has shrewdly put around $5 million of his own dollars in the Euro Pacific Fund, which invests most of its money overseas. When word of this gets out—and the Republicans sure ain't going to keep it a secret—Edwards is likely to be as attractive at the polls as fire ants at a Baptist picnic. In other words, we think you made a bad choice.

Respectfully, Senator Kerry, we call to mind that Senator Thomas Eagleton of Missouri quit (or was pushed off) the Democratic ticket after having been chosen McGovern's running mate in 1972. You remember, he was replaced by Sargent Shriver, Maria's father, Arnold's father-in-law. So it's been done before, there's precedent. As ol' Daryl likes to say, "They ain't biting, you got to change your bait, change your seat, change something."

Sincerely,

Cooter (with the gracious help of J. Boudreau and A. Yazoo)

[NCjim]

While proclaiming his solidarity with struggling working people, damning overseas outsourcing and making a to-do about his father being a millworker—his father actually was a textile mill production manager, quite a different job—Senator Edwards himself has shrewdly put around $5 million of his own dollars in the Euro Pacific Fund, which invests most of its money overseas. When word of this gets out—and the Republicans sure ain't going to keep it a secret—Edwards is likely to be as attractive at the polls as fire ants at a Baptist picnic.

Let's see if this gets any traction...

[SMARTY]

"...Edwards' loony stump speech about two Americas."

It's their political life-and-death task to keep the myth of two Americas in the media, to cultivate the lie into perpetuity so that they can continue to exploit those idiot enough to believe such an America exists. Otherwise, liberals have no ground to stand on.

[cricket]

There is 'no wisdom' like 'southern wisdom'.

thanks for sharing; I will do the same.

. . .and a LOL bump ;^)

[NWO Slave]

John & John on the Tonight Show- (spoof?) LOL!

The Kerry-Edwards 'relationship' has made the Tonight Show, and has had Kerry 'acknowledging the obvious' and yucking it up on the campaign trail as well. Turn on your sound... :)

[stainlessbanner]

the War Between the States been over for a considerable quantity of time.

Breaking news puh-lease.

[cricket]

p.s. (not only was his father a production manager; living in the 'bigger house'. . .both his parents were Republicans. . .explains why the Edwards' dog; does not bark, perhaps. .)

[no dems]

"Senator Edwards himself has shrewdly put around $5 million of his own dollars in the Euro Pacific Fund, which invests most of its money overseas. When word of this gets out—and the Republicans sure ain't going to keep it a secret..."

I DON'T KNOW. THE BUSH / CHENEY CAMP HAS NOT BEEN PLAYING HARD BALL IN MY OPINION. THERE'S A LOT OF INFO THAT SHOULD BE PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE BY NOW THAT ISN'T. IT'S TIME TO GO FOR THE JUGULAR. YOU CAN'T BE NICE TO PEOPLE LIKE GEORGE SOROS, MICHAEL MOORE AND WHOOPI GOLDBERG.

BTW, I WONDER HOW WHOOPI LIKES THE FACT THAT NOT ONE BLACK AMERICAN GOT A PRIME TIME SPEAKING POST AT THE DEMS CONVENTION? THEIR MESSAGE IS: STAY ON THE PLANTATION, KEEP YO MOUF SHUT AND VOTE FO DA MASSA KERRY.

[Davis]

bump for bush