Farenheight, powerful, pursuasive (barf)

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I kept thinking about Pat Tillman the whole time I watched Michael Moore's powerful movie “Fahrenheit 9/11,” the anti-George Bush, anti-Iraq War, pro-Democrat documentary.

Moore's rant, directed at Bush, unintentionally — or perhaps intentionally — turned Tillman, the celebrated NFL player-turned-soldier, from hero to victim.

I kept wondering what Tillman would think about the movie. I kept wondering whether Tillman would've joined the military had he seen Moore's movie. I kept wondering why we, the media — especially me — were so quick to anoint Tillman hero status rather than victim status.

That's not meant to denigrate Tillman. I just wonder what he knew. Were his convictions based in facts? You leave the movie wondering the same thing about all the soldiers serving in Iraq and Afghanistan, where Tillman died. Michael Moore certainly had an agenda when he put this documentary together. He believes President Bush stole the 2000 election and intentionally misled U.S. citizens so he could instruct our military to invade Iraq. Moore wanted to prove that we're all victims of Bush's incompetence. Mission accomplished.

“Fahrenheit” also made me reflect on a conversation I'd had earlier in the day with one of my sportswriting colleagues. My friend was contemplating backing out of covering the Olympics in Athens because of fear of terrorism. We joked that if he did pull out, he'd look like one of the pampered millionaire NBA players refusing to play in Athens. He'd look unpatriotic.

The reality is in America sports and patriotism have rarely had anything to do with each other, at least not since Hitler and Germany hosted the Olympics. In America, sports and protest, sports and free expression have long been associates.

We shouldn't expect professional athletes to demonstrate blind patriotism. Why hold Shaquille O'Neal, Jason Kidd, Tracy McGrady — a few of the top-flight NBA stars skipping the Olympics — to a higher standard than we do the politicians who sent our young men and women to “liberate” Iraq? Moore's film points out that only one U.S. senator's child is deployed in Iraq.

Why should Shaq risk injury or his physical safety for a basketball gold medal when our politicians' families won't risk their safety for freedom?

Participation in the Olympics has almost nothing to do with representing the USA. It's about individual American athletes setting themselves up to be pitchmen/women for shoe companies, McDonald's and whatever else they can sell.

If American track stars or softball players had professional leagues where they could earn millions of dollars, they'd think long and hard before signing up to go to Athens. But Maurice Greene has no choice. He must compete in Athens if he wants to remain a track superstar, an athlete capable of earning millions.

What will be interesting to watch is whether any American athletes choose to use their Olympic platform to express dissatisfaction with President Bush's policy in Iraq.

“Fahrenheit” is the most powerful movie I've ever seen. Not even Moore's heavy-handed, pro-Democrat slant could undermine his indictment of Bush's reaction to 9/11. The movie appears to have struck a chord with American moviegoers. I spent all Friday afternoon and evening driving from North Carolina theater to North Carolina theater trying to see the movie. The showings were all sold out. I snagged one of the last tickets to a mid-day Saturday showing.

I'm sure by the time the Olympics roll around many of our athletes will have seen the movie. Discussion of the movie has swept America. I'm not foolish enough to believe that Michael Moore or his movie own the final word on our policy in Iraq. But I'm also wise enough to know that his movie is strong enough to be the lightning rod that causes average Americans like me to be highly skeptical of Bush's decisions.

So rather than bash the professional athletes who refuse to go to Athens, I'd prefer to encourage the athletes that do go to make a statement about our policy in Iraq. Even if it's in support of Bush's policy. If a few athletes would stand up for what they believe, Pat Tillman will not have died for no good reason.

He should follow our president's lead and do whatever is in his best interest. He shouldn't go because he thinks it's his patriotic duty. It's not. Patriotism and sports don't even speak to each other any more. The only reason to go is for the great stories, and there could be a lot of them at this Olympics.

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SCIENCE

Filmmaker's Achievement Stuns Physicists

Michael Moore reaches critical mass - with himself

By V.K. Bestertester, Staff Writer

FRESNO, CA — Award-winning documentarian Michael Moore has unexpectedly made one of the most exciting discoveries in physics since the Neutrino. His body achieved critical mass sometime this past Sunday.

Above: Actor, Filmmaker, Respected Physicist

Witnesses to the incident described a buzzing sound, an oleaginous glow, then a loud, squishy bang.

"Michael had just finished ranting about somebody named Booosh," American Patriot and FreeRepublic founder Jim Robinson observed. "The next thing I know, passerby are hip deep in foul-smelling, anti-American goo."

Dr. E.P. Gumby, Chief of Quantum Research at Berkeley, said "This achievement is without precedent. Otto Hahn and Fritz Strassmann worked for years, using delicate equipment. Mr. Moore has apparently managed to split his own atoms using nothing more than self-congratulation, the adoration of fools and 53.5 hot dogs."

He continued, "Fortunately, the result was not nearly as destructive as runaway fission reactions normally are. It may have to do with the fact that he was wearing Spandex at the time. It may have absorbed much of the, er, expansion."

Mr. Moore's experiments in this area apparently resulted from an unshakeable belief in his own abilities. Poster MeekOneGOP explained it this way, saying "Look, if you can make millions by slapping together a filmstrip full of garbage, why wouldn't you think you were smart enough to unravel the mysteries of the universe? Anyone intelligent enough to manipulate so many idiots would get that idea, right? I wish I could do it, I'd get them to march off the top of El Capitan in single file!"

"Normally, these kind of reactions are only possible using metallic, rare-earth elements," said Professor Arthur C. Vonnegut of Fermilab. "but this man has done it with buzz and hype, mostly. I hope he kept careful notes, because he is in no condition to lecture, from what I understand."

Indeed, Mr. Moore was unreachable for this article. Most of him was still coating the streets outside Flint's Hot Dog, but parts were in buckets and sponges. Emergency medical personnel were summoned at the time of the incident, but quickly realized there was not much they could do. A member of the cleanup crew, who spoke with this reporter on condition of anonymity, said, "Are you kiddin', man? That guy blew himself into a million globules. By the time the medics got here, most of him had already flowed down the storm drain. What's left of him ain't gonna be speechifyin' at any physics colloquium anytime soon."

Yoko Ono, well-known gravy-trainer and philanthropist, expressed great sadness at the news, but also expressed optimism that Moore's sacrifice would finally achieve World Peace. "I'm sorry to lose Michael, I really enjoyed his jabs at the fascist power broker infrastructure," she said, "But with this discovery, there is hope nuclear energy can be generated from things like butter, lard, bacon grease and hot air. It could revolutionize Third World economies and finally bring balance and my music to the masses."

Still, many were skeptics. "I wouldn't be so quick to chalk this up to an advancement in physics," said Babs Brolin, local chanteuse and philosopher, "Michael had powerful enemies. I'm sure this was a test of some sort of new weapon by the corrupt, evil Bush administration. A laser guided Polish Sausage, perhaps?"

The White House declined comment for this article.

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