Posted on 06/28/2004 9:07:47 AM PDT by qam1
LENOX -- A dozen women in smart blazers, flowing dresses and short black skirts sit at tables for two in the Lenox 218 restaurant, facing an equal number of men, neatly dressed and freshly shaven.
As they talk, one can overhear probing questions, nervous silences, over-the-top flattery and stories of past loves and old heartbreaks -- all the dialogue of a typical first date.
On this particular Friday night in April, however, these first dates are multiplied by 12, each six minutes long and timed by a silver bell.
Whenever the bell rings, the men rise from their chairs, shake the hand of the woman across from them and move to the next table.
This is speed dating, and it's the ultimate in romantic multi-tasking. If the chemistry isn't there, there isn't a lot of throat scratching and finger tapping to wait out a whole awkward evening. Heavy silences may come, but the longest they can last is six minutes. Then Sonya Bykofsky hits the bell and the "date" is over.
Each speed dater is given a clipboard and told to write a "yes" or a "no" after the name of each person they meet. If two people write "yes" about each other, then Bykofsky gives each the other's phone number so they can arrange another -- presumably longer -- date.
Bykofsky says 25 percent of her organization's speed-daters make a match. So far, almost 300 people have paid the $20 fee and pulled up a chair in the speed-dating arena.
At the April event, she had a waiting list of 30 women. There is always an equal number of men and women at the matches -- Bykofsky sees to that. There is never a waiting list of men to get in.
It's just the nature of the beast, Bykofsky said. The men decide at the last minute whether to attend. The women call well in advance.
Bykofsky has held numbers of speed-dating events around the Berkshires since February. They became so popular that she refuses to announce their location publicly. Too many people crash trying to meet the attendees.
Linda Lis, an attractive blond widow sitting in a corner of the mirrored dining room, said she had "done the computer dating thing" but didn't like it.
"You e-mail people and get this great response, and you have this image in your head. And then they are not physically attractive to you," she said.
Speed dating is more appealing than a blind date, she said, because "you don't get all dressed up and then get disappointed. And you are not stuck with someone. If you don't like them, you can leave."
Had questions prepared
Thea Baker -- a thoughtful redhead divorcee, had a list of prepared questions to ask the men she met that night.
"Otherwise you are just winging it," she said. "You find out where they went to college and that they have one child and that they like to hike and that's it."
Her list reads: Job? Hobbies? Bike/hike? Education? Pets? Favorite author? Favorite vacation spot? Favorite movie?
"I'd be happy with someone who would say 'comedy,'" she said. "If someone was really into war movies, I'd be, like, 'good-bye!'"
Baker seemed unfazed by the conversations swirling around her. And she was not the type one would picture at such an event. But then, few of them were. Most were attractive professionals --people one would expect could easily find dates without the help of a timer and a cook's bell.
"Most of the people who come to speed dating are just busy professional people," said Bykofsky. "This is a convenient, fast way to meet a lot of people who are in your age range."
Steve Dadak, a 42-year old carpenterfromNorthAdams, agreed.
"I was very impressed with the . . . um, clientele," he said. "They were all very well educated. A totally different crowd than you would find in, say, a bar,"
Dadak said his leisure activities are not ones that lend themselves to meeting single women.
"Whereas here," he said, "you are sitting across from someone that wants to date. You aren't sitting across a bar from them, wondering, 'Is that person single? How many kids do they have? Are they compatible with me?' Here are 15 bachelorettes interested in dating.
"I saw exactly what I was looking for that night," he said later. "Unfortunately, they didn't see what they were looking for in me."
Hard to meet people
Others said Berkshire County is a difficult place to meet single people. There are lots of families, few places to go at night and people tend to isolate themselves.
According to the 2000 U.S. Census, of the 30,000 to 40,000 single people in the county, the ratio of women to men is about 60 to 40 -- more equally distributed than one would expect considering the dearth of reported dates.
But somehow those figure don't equate to a man for every woman, or a woman for every man.
"I hear it all the time," Bykof-sky said. "Women think there are no men, men think there are no women. But it's really a closer division than people think."
Bykofsky's Singles of the Berk-shires group has swelled to 700 active participants since she started it two years ago. She offers a calendar of events for singles, most of which aren't focused on dating. Many are just a chance for people to meet.
Bykofsky isn't surprised at how popular the group has become.
"Singles are often a neglected or ignored segment of the population," she said.
Few of the singles interviewed said they were embarrassed to be part of a date-seeking group. More seemed empowered by taking control of their love lives, rather than leaving it up to destiny's whims.
But many first-time speed-daters admitted they were nervous about signing up.
Elizabeth Mangiaracina, who has never been married, said it took her two months to pick up the phone and call Bykofsky. She recently moved to the area from New York state and wanted to find someone to explore the area with.
"I said to myself, it's time in my life to try a little harder."
She only recently bought a computer. The first thing she did was sign up for Match.com. But it left her cold.
"It's nice to see someone face to face and look in their eyes," she said.
Found three possibilities
And after gazing into the eyes of a half a dozen or so men that night, she found three appealing enough to want to see again.
"I think it's quite fun," she said, smiling a "who would have thought?" smile.
Bonnie Gardner said she is divorcee who doesn't go to bars much and doesn't go out on dates often.
"I thought about it for a few months, but I couldn't figure out what I would say to [Bykovsky] when I called. I thought she would want my whole life story or something."
She picked up a Singles of the Berkshires newsletter at the gym one day, and said she and her girlfriends were "half funning" with the idea of calling for a speed-date session.
"But I finally said, 'Why not?' Even if I just make a friend, it's still all new people."
The verdict?
"I am enjoying myself," she said. "I don't know what I was thinking, that someone would knock on my door and say 'Hi, Bonnie, I'm here!' "
The success of speed-dating galvanized Bykofsky to create a more elaborate spin-off: a rotating dinner with dancing afterwards. Cost: $30. There was one in May and again last night at the Crowne Plaza in Pittsfield. Between courses, people switch tables.
Call it speed mingling.
"It's speed dating on a larger and slower scale," Bykofsky said. "It was a way for everyone in the room to sit down and talk to everyone else in the room."
Started two years ago
Bykofsky, 39, and a massage therapist by profession, said she started Berkshire Singles as a nonprofit organization two years ago.
"I was single; I was bored," she said and, like many other singles, found few opportunities to meet others like herself in the Berk-shires.
"Most people over 30 don't want the bar scene," she said.
Done to avoid taxes???
They must be a little slow on the uptake in Berkshire County, Massachusetts. Speed dating has been around for years.
7) Would you mind if the woman you're dating spends at leat two hours a day on a Conservative website and probably will always know more than you?
*** Only two????
I figure, that at least in the beginning of the relationship, I'd be a little busy!
What questions would you ask?
Hmmmm...boxers or briefs? I want to have a lot of children so if the family jewels are mashed up against his leg all the time, his little buddies may be a little slow.
Also, he has to be able to eat my mother's food. If he doesn't like curry well it's all over.
Oh yeah, do you think Anna Kournikova is prettier than me? That's the real acid test ;-)
Let's see, how many lies can I tell in 6 minutes.....
I've been wondering where you went!
Who is Anna Kournikova?
The tennis player... wow hehehe and I'm not posting any pics either! *lol*
The tennis player... wow hehehe and I'm not posting any pics either! *lol*
LOL...How old are you? Are you looking for a mate? If so, I have some advice for you. READY: MARRY AN OLDER MAN. That's all I'm going to say.
/me was formulating a proper answer to the original question.
Heh. Even if you don't post pics, the mere mention of her name makes pics automagically materialize on a thread. A great internet mystery, that.
To my (current) detriment, I would agree with that advice. If only because older men have already made most of the mistakes they'll make in their lives (and they make some whoppers when they are young as a rule) and presumably learned from them. They've also burned off most of the more destructive youthful energy.
From the perspective of strict self-interest, I'll be "older" for a great many years than I'll be younger, so that also works out well for me too. Of course, if I'm married for most of it, then it won't make much difference.
Yes I'm looking to get married and I know what you're saying *lol*
"I'd be happy with someone who would say 'comedy,'" she said. "If someone was really into war movies, I'd be, like, 'good-bye!'"
She's not looking for a man, she's looking for another chick.
After one week all the rats were dead, half from starvation, the other half victims of domestic-violence.
But, warm!!
Most of the time. LOL....:)
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