Posted on 05/16/2004 6:08:28 AM PDT by nuconvert
Don't mean to be rude? Read rules
DAVE BARRY
OK, here are the rules:
1. If there's a line, you get at the end of the line, and you wait your turn.
2. You own ONE place in the line. You do NOT have the right to invite friends to join you in the line. This is rude to the people behind you, who got there before your friends, and will now have to wait longer. If you want to be with your friends, you can join them at the back of the line. And, no, it's not enough to ask the person immediately behind you if it's OK for your friends to butt in. This person does not speak for the entire line. Also this person pretty much has to say yes, but only because he or she, being less rude than you, wants to avoid confrontation.
EXCEPTION: You may invite an immediate family member such as your spouse or child to join you in the line. There are no other exceptions.
EXCEPTION: Halle Berry.
3. If you're one of those people who go directly to the front of the line and either pretend you don't see the line, or act as though you somehow KNOW that your situation is more urgent than that of anybody else waiting, and somebody in line objects, and you make some vague apology but remain at the front of the line, you will rot in hell. Also the cashier will hate you, although generally he or she will say nothing, as cashiers don't get paid enough to argue with jerks.
4. If you're in a supermarket checkout line, and you realize that you forgot an item, you're allowed to go get it, provided that (1) you apologize to the people behind you, (2) you know exactly where the item is, and (3) you hurry. If you forgot TWO items, take your cart out of line. You are NOT allowed to leave your cart blocking the line while you wander the aisles trying to recall the ingredients for Beef Tongue Flambeau.
NOTE: Before you serve beef tongue to innocent people, you should think about the kinds of things that cows lick.
5. If you're in the express lane, and the sign says 10 ITEMS OR LESS, then you should have no more than . . . OK, we'll allow 12 items. We're not Nazis here.
EXCEPTION: Halle Berry can have as many items as she wants.
6. At a movie theater, you may save seats for a few people if the theater is not crowded. If the theater is crowded, you may save seats only if the people you're saving them for are on the premises, defined as ''in the building or the parking lot.'' If the previews of coming attractions have started, and the theater is filling up, and you're still defending seats for theoretical people who have not yet arrived, and an actual, physical person attempts to sit down, and you hiss ''That's saved,'' and the person ''accidentally'' trips and spills that stanky movie-theater nacho cheese all over your hair, and you press assault charges, and we get selected to serve on the jury, we're voting for acquittal.
7. Do not talk during the movie unless you have something important to say.
(Example: ''My water just broke.'') You may talk quietly during the previews of coming attractions.
EXCEPTION: Halle Berry.
8. At class plays, music recitals, graduations, etc., you may save a few seats for your IMMEDIATE FAMILY, and then only for a reasonable time. You may not arrive an hour early and squat at the end of a row, or even two rows, and save large blocs of seats for relatives so distant that some of them are not even vertebrates.
NOTE: This rule applies even if you have turned the seating area into an indoor yard sale by marking each ''saved'' seat with a personal item such as a sweater, purse, sock, brassiere, etc.
EXCEPTION: If we see a seat marked by dentures, we're sitting somewhere else.
9. If you're talking on your cell phone in public, and people keep glancing at you, it's not because they're impressed by the fact that you are a busy, productive person. It's because YOU'RE TALKING TOO LOUD.
10. (This rule was suggested by our Research Department, Judi Smith, who one day will open fire with a machine gun in a public restroom:) If you're a woman using a toilet, and, because you are dainty and fastidious, you elect not to sit on the seat, but instead hover over it like a UFO from the Planet Weewee, and as a result you spatter the seat, do NOT just leave your mess, as if no human will ever use this toilet again. CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF.
EXCEPTION: Sorry, Halle. Judi says you, too.
I've been known to punch people this rude & stupid.
Yes, bring on Halli. 3 psi will rip off an ear lobe.
Object lessons work.
Words to queue by.
Told a lady in Wal-Mart last night her child (sitting up on the edge of the shopping cart) might fall and could be seriously injured. Woman went off on me. Asked her to calm down. Became angrier. Clerk happened to be passing by and offered to help her with what she was trying to find and I left to avoid a worse confrontation. So many Americans, bereft of the Word of God, have lost it.
I was at the horse races once at Bay Meadows, and a Vietnamese man rudely crowded in the betting line in front of my friend, a Viet Nam veteran (No, not John F'n Kerry -- I said FRIEND, not FIEND). My friend tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I used to paid to kill you guys!" The man quickly excused himself from the line.
and "bereft" of common sense.....
"I should have shot you in Saigon when I had the chance." Works well too.
Tell your friend I want to have his baby.
Without a doubt you had good intentions, but by expressing your concerns you may have tipped the woman over the edge. So many watchdogs are coming out of the woodwork to prevent any accidents that we have become risk-averse. No sharp edges on toys or playground equipment. Helmets on bike-riders. It never ends.
The fact that the woman was in the presence of the child indicates that she was on top of things and assuming the role of child protector. I don't condone rude, but I don't blame her for lashing out at more nannyism.
Shermans are dee vurst. And mein fater vas paid to kill peoples like zem.
The bad part? I haven't the slightest idea what he's talking about...but then I don't really care about reading what hollywierd sluts do.
It is time we all just ignore them and quit buying their drivel.
ROFLOL!
Thank you .
As a small woman, I get shoved in front of all of the time.
Most people have no manners any more.
I have taught my daughter from birth to have basic manners, and people act SO surprised and delighted because she says "Please" , "Thank you, " "You're Welcome! and "Excuse me!" without prompting.
Like a polite child is a strange creature from another planet or something!
And whats the deal with Elevators? SHEESH!
When the doors open, you're supposed to let people get out before you barge in.
Sharp elbow jabs to the ribs seem to get the point across...sigh.
Sorry, I tend to over-react to this kinda shallowness. Last week on DC metro my wife almost got run over by idiots barging in - so I literally extended both arms and PUSHED both lanes of traffic back off so we could exit without being trampled. Shouted at them too. I'm sure they thought *I* was the one being rude. LOL.
LOL!
. . .and no need to qualify that it was not 'effinkery'; unless your friend was second in line.
Kerry excuses himself politley as well; :DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!# . .. and there can be no doubt about it.
This is a sure and needed laugh! Thx.
Well, people like you and I need to understand that OUR time is not as important as THEIRS! LOL!
I live way too close to Ann Arbor, which is where I generally encounter the behavior.
DC must be simply AWFUL for it.
Another pet-peeves is aggressive soccer moms with a stroller AND a cell-phone....OBLIVIOUS. One of them about ran over my daughter two weeks ago....just chatting away, never noticed.....
See, the reason she's mad at you, if the kids falls out of the cart and smashes his head on the floor she can sue Wal-Mart for a kajillion bucks and she can support her family in style. But if you indicate it might be her personal responsibility to keep her kid safe while shopping who knows where that kind of thinking might lead?
People aren't taught these things anymore. Etiquette, what's that?
"Without a doubt you had good intentions, but by expressing your concerns you may have tipped the woman over the edge. So many watchdogs are coming out of the woodwork to prevent any accidents that we have become risk-averse. No sharp edges on toys or playground equipment. Helmets on bike-riders. It never ends."
My pet peeve is air bags... ever see the results of an air bag deployed on a rescue attendant while trying to help someone, AFTER the accident? Not pretty.
What's that?
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