Little Red Corvette (Kerry's mid-life crisis) - Hugh Hewitt

Weekly Standard ^ | 5/6/04 | Hugh Hewitt

[Steven W.]

Do pictures of John Kerry in his Lycra cycling suit make you wonder if he's running for the right reasons?

WHEN JOHN KERRY took a spill from his bike this past weekend, it triggered thoughts of Jimmy Carter's collapse in a road race, Gerald Ford's much-mocked stumbles, and of Kerry's own misadventures on the ski slopes earlier this year. But it wasn't until the pictures of Kerry on his bike appeared that the real damage was done. The electric-lemon Lycra look probably won't play well outside the metrosexual caucus, and it can't be particularly inspiring to the troops living in holes outside of Falluja. Presidents can golf, and they can run, but they can't get dandied up and dart around on bikes in tights and fluorescent helmets.

Kerry's obsessive, if ill-fated, displays of physical activity also raise issues other than decorum. I've seen this sort of behavior before in men of a certain age, usually from their early 50s to their early 60s. And then the thought stuck: Are John Kerry's presidential ambitions and the shape and images of his campaign more about a mid-life crisis writ very large than any underlying set of ideas?

First, note that there aren't a lot of ideas over at Kerry Central, other than the U.N. blathering which, in the aftermath of oil-for-food-for-cash-for-Kofi's-friends, doesn't even persuade United Nations employees anymore. And Kerry's paper thin record of Senate accomplishments over two decades doesn't provide us with a reason for his running either.

So who's to say that it all isn't just an effort to head-off old age via the biggest sideshow of them all.

There are warning signs of mid-life crisis. At least a couple of these--excessive time spent on personal appearance and the constant reminiscing about one's youth--seem spot-on in the context of Kerry. And the big gun experts on male mid-life melt-down, such as Jim Conway, author of Men in Midlife Crisis, warn that some candidates for mid-life crisis "seem to have a lot of power, leadership, and ability, yet many of them express great insecurity, and feeling worthless." Kerry may be hiding a lot of angst behind his façade of lift-tickets and SUVs and his Shrumian rhetoric.

Presidents Bush, Clinton, and Carter arrived in the White House before the age when the mid-life demons descend, and President Reagan and candidate Dole had passed the age of such smash-ups.

But Kerry's definitely in the danger zone. Maybe those Lycra shorts are just a cry for help. Maybe he needs help. Maybe what the Kerry campaign really needs is a red corvette.

[Hodar]

And the point of that outfit is what?

Seriously, the point of the bright clothes is to be seen. Having done my share of road biking; I will tell you that some drivers are oblivious to bikes riding on the shoulder. Wearing something bright may 'jar' them enough to realize you are not a weed. Getting rear-ended by a car going 50+mph is generally fatal to a biker.

The pants are admittedly immodest. Not being able to wear underwear under the skin-tight pants doesn't add to their appeal. The point of these pants is to prevent chaffing and fungal growth 'down there'. You sweat a lot when you bike 60+ miles; and there isn't a great way to ventilate; plus your thights will rub and you will (not may, you will) rub the skin off of your thighs. Wearing underwear not only prevents the chamious and spandex from doing thier job; imagine rubbing sandpaper against a rash.

In short, the biking clothes are ugly; but they are necessary. I always carry a pair of lose shorts and a T-shirt to toss on before I go into town to eat. The T-shirt replaces the loud bike shirt for a mile or so; and the shorts are temporarily worn over the bike shorts. Modesty and all that; but when I leave the small town (Dairy Queen, McDonalds, ect) and head back out for another 20 miles; it's back into the bike gear for a ride you have to experience, there simply aren't words.

[Pyro7480]

Man! Now I have "Little Red Corvette" by Prince in my head now because of you! ;-)

[ColoradoSlim]

Hard to tell from the photo, but it looks like he replaced the seat with a corn cob

[hellinahandcart]

The segway photos were all over the place, including here, when that occurred. Where are the pictures of Kerry on his ass, hmm? The journos all ran out of film?

Never mind, we don't need 'em:

[Excuse_Me]

Did you add the training wheels? I never noticed them before...

[EggsAckley]

So you joined yesterday to pick on Bush here? Our founder here doesn't like that. Enjoy your stay, short as it will be.

[areafiftyone]

[Thebaddog]

I heard an audio clip of Kerry's press conference on Imus this morning and his voice sounded shot. That fellow has a lot of physical issues, if you ask me, and I don't think that Bush would get the same pass if he fell off the bike.

[EggsAckley]

OMG! Big Bird is PERFECT! LOL!

[dead]

That series of pictures just gets funnier and funnier as you move along. I hadn't seen that banana on a stick one before! Hysterical.

[Grampa Dave]

Gentlemen, time for your posts of the al Querry on his bike.

[Tijeras_Slim]

Ahhh.. let's keep this one around for a bit. He seems to be a bit more civil than most. Anyway, Murrymom isn't posting as much as she used to, and a few tokens never hurt.

[hellinahandcart]

I heard an audio clip of Kerry's press conference on Imus this morning and his voice sounded shot.

It's all that folk-singing.

[Dog]

That bike has training wheels on it....HUH?

[dirtboy]

So who's to say that it all isn't just an effort to head-off old age via the biggest sideshow of them all.

I have to disagree with this assessment - I think Kerry was a dork well back into his misspent youth.

[areafiftyone]

[dirtboy]

That bike has training wheels on it....HUH?

A little Photoshop action - now all he needs is an air bag for his snowboard...

[hellinahandcart]

I hadn't seen that banana on a stick one before! Hysterical.

*cough* that's no banana.

[EggsAckley]

Yeah, you're right. This one is at least civil, and doesn't seem to be English-illiterate, as most of the Mobys are. Should be worth a few laughs; although JimRob ain't gonna be giggling if he keeps on Bush-bashing.