Posted on 05/01/2004 6:05:48 AM PDT by billorites
"President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney answered questions before the 9/11 commission ... They did not testify under oath, there was no videotape, no audiotape, not even a stenographer writing down the questions or the answers; there's no record of any kind; kind of like President Bush's National Guard service." —Jay Leno
"President Bush and Vice President Cheney went before the commission investigating what exactly happened on 9/11. The President is weird...afterwards, he told reporters he 'enjoyed' it. What? You can say many things, but you can't 'enjoy' it. We kicked back, talked about 9/11, there were cookies — it was good times!" —Jimmy Kimmel
"President Bush, Dick Cheney appeared before the 9/11 Commission. It had kind of an awkward start. A senator asked, 'How are you, Mr. President?' and they both answered, 'Fine.'" —Craig Kilborn
"Members of the panel got annoyed because every time they asked Dick Cheney a tough question he grabbed his chest and shouted, 'Elizabeth, it's the big one!'" —Craig Kilborn
"President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney answered questions before the 9/11 Commission today. Bush said he was glad to speak to the 9/11 Commission. In fact, he also said he'll be happy to meet with the 7/11 people too if anybody has any questions." —Jay Leno
"It was kind of like Family Feud, every time Bush would answer a question, Cheney would go 'Good answer, good answer.'" —Jay Leno
"Anybody want to know why it was so secret? Cheney didn't want Colin Powell to find out." —Jay Leno
"It was so secret, even Prince Bandar of Saudi Arabia didn't know what was said and when he's not in on the loop, we're screwed." —Jay Leno
"Al Gore has donated $6 million that he had left over from his presidential campaign to help the Democrats win back the White House. Think about that. He had $6 million left over and he lost by what, 500 votes? Al, what are you saving it for? Do you realize that if Al had given each of those voters $12,000, he'd be president right now." —Jay Leno
"John Kerry's wife Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine this week and they said that if he is elected president, she will be the oldest first lady in American history. But that doesn't bother John Kerry, he said, 'To me, she looks like a million bucks'" —Jay Leno
"New Gallup poll of Iraqi citizens came out yesterday — says two-thirds of them want us out of Iraq. Let me explain something to you people. We invaded you. We're not your in-laws freeloading during spring break. I imagine the Germans wanted us out of their country too after WW II. We'll let you know when we're ready to get out of there, OK? By the way, when are we getting out of there already?" —Jimmy Kimmel
"It was announced today that Iraq has a new flag. Yeah, that's what their problem was, no flag, yeah. That's like the Titanic hitting the iceberg, 'We've got a new chef!'" —Jay Leno
"President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney are scheduled to testify before the 9-11 commission. I guess right now they're finalizing the seating arrangements. Should Bush sit on Cheney's right knee or his left knee?" —Jay Leno
"President Bush is receiving some criticism because tomorrow, when he testifies before the 9/11 commission, he's insisting that Dick Cheney testify with him. Not only that, he's insisting that he sit on Dick Cheney's lap." —Conan O'Brien
"The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking heat for throwing his Vietnam medals away, getting a $1000 haircut, and wearing a 1970s wig known as 'the Leno.' There are really two sides to this story. And America can't wait for Kerry to present both of them." —David Letterman
"GOP strategists hope the revelation of Kerry's wealth might debunk his status as a, quote, man of the people, and reveal him to be a bit of a fat cat. Unlike the President who — as we all know — before attending Andover and Yale, was a Cockney matchstick girl dying of tuberculosis." —Jon Stewart
"Someone gave me the new John Kerry answering machine. The only problem — it doesn't have a message!" —Jay Leno
"The issue of Kerry's military service has spawned a number of recent news-like events which have led to Republican charges the decorated war hero has something to hide. Because if there is one thing the Bush administration will not tolerate, it is ... other people's secrecy." —Jon Stewart
"It's Saddam Hussein's birthday today. You know you're having a bad year when you're birthday wish is to be back in a spider hole." —Conan O'Brien
"President Bush's campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any medals to throw away, but in his defense he did have all his services records thrown out." —Jay Leno
"(There's) controversy about Democratic nominee John Kerry throwing away his military medals and ribbons. Not to be outdone, today President Bush threw away his Alabama National Guard spotty attendance ribbon." —David Letterman
"There is this rumor that the administration made a deal with the Saudis to lower gas prices before the election. President Bush was asked today if there was any quid pro quo with the Saudis. He said I wouldn't know, I don't speak Saudi Arabian." —Jay Leno
"John Kerry reportedly flew in his private hairdresser before his "Meet the Press" interview for a total cost of $1,000. That's $1,000 for a haircut, which sounds like a lot, but have you seen the size of Kerry's head." —Jay Leno
"Bill Clinton's memoir, which is coming out in June, is called 'My Life.' I believe it's an oral history. ... They say it should be a good read even for people who are unfamiliar with Bill Clinton, you know, like Hillary." —Jay Leno
"Bill Clinton's publisher says he's just about finished writing his memoirs. The last chapter is titled, 'Hold On, I Just Found Out Halle Berry Is Single.'" —Craig Kilborn
"In an interview yesterday, Maria Shriver said that Arnold Schwarzenegger is 'more compassionate and considerate than he has ever been.' Yeah, for example, now when he grabs a breast, he always cuddles afterwards" —Conan O'Brien
"President Bush told the Iraqi people 'We are not going to cut and run while I am in office.' Today the Iraqi people said 'What about next year when you're not in office?'" —Jay Leno
"U.S. forces in Iraq were very busy today not only fighting, but giving coalition troops rides to the airport. ... How about our good friend Spain? Could they run any faster. Apparently the Baghdad Hilton has express check out now." —Jay Leno
"This coalition in Iraq is not holding up well. ... It's kind of ironic. All these foreign countries are willing to take every American job accept this one." —Jay Leno
"According to Bob Woodward's new book ... Colin Powell and Dick Cheney do not like each other. John Kerry commented by saying if I'm elected my cabinet will not be divided, like me they'll remain neutral and not take sides on any issue." —Jay Leno
"John Kerry has now released his medical records and it turns out John Kerry still has some shrapnel buried in his left thigh. It's interesting because Bill Clinton also has that. Actually it's one of Monica's earrings." —David Letterman
"President Clinton's memoirs are going to be released this June. I believe the title of the book is 'Drill Bill.' ... They had the publisher on TV today. He said Clinton's book could be close to 700 pages. ... What is this? Even Clinton's books are fat." —Jay Leno
~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive
Jokes for the Week of April 18-24
"They're bringing back the draft. We don't need to bring back the draft. Here's how you get Americans to sign up. You call it a reality show. You tell people you're holding auditions for something called 'G.I. Average Joe." —Jay Leno
"All these books are coming out about President Bush. Richard Clarke's book, John Dean's book, Paul O'Neill's book, now Bob Woodward's book is coming out. It's amazing. Who would have thought that George Bush would be responsible for Americans reading more than any other president before?" —Jay Leno
"Republican Senator Chuck Hagel says it may be time to reinstate the draft. When President Bush heard about that, he said, 'Uh oh, does that mean I have to go back to Alabama?" —Jay Leno
"They're debating now whether or not to bring back the military draft and it would be limited so you wouldn't be drafted if you're married or you're gay. Well, you thought you saw a lot of gay marriages before." —Jay Leno
"Boy, this campaign is getting ugly. You know, I'm not taking sides here but now some Republicans are suggesting that John Kerry actually tried to win three Purple Hearts in Vietnam because he knew that if you won three, you get to go home early. What an easy way to get out of combat by letting yourself get shot three times." —Jay Leno
"John Kerry has three Purple Hearts for his war wounds and Dick Cheney has one Purple Heart from deep dish pizza." —Jay Leno
"On '60 Minutes' on last Sunday Bob Woodward suggested that the main reason President Bush took the country to war is that he thinks he's on a mission from God. Of course the problem with that is, it's also Osama bin Laden's reason." —Jay Leno
"Earth Day is Al Gore's favorite day. Did you know that? You wanna know his least favorite day? Election Day." —Jay Leno
"According to Bob Woodward's new book, Dick Cheney and Colin Powell barely speak to each other. But that's not unusual. In every administration, there are people who don't speak to each other. The Bush administration, it's Cheney and Powell; Reagan administration, it was Donald Regan and Nancy; Clinton administration, it was Bill and Hillary." —Jay Leno
"President Bush commented for the first time on the Woodward book. Bush said he couldn't wait until the book came out on tape so he can find out what all the fuss is about." —Jay Leno
"In his book, Woodward said that the Saudis knew we were going to war with Iraq before Colin Powell did. Hey, big deal, the Saudis knew about 9/11 before we did." —Jay Leno
"In a poll of college students to see who they would rather prefer to have as a roommate, Bush got 43 percent, Kerry got 42 percent. Isn't that surprising? It's the first time Bush has ever won the popular vote." —Jay Leno
"I believe that no matter what happens in this campaign, Bush will be a two-term president. Okay, one term for his father, the other term for him." —Jay Leno
"John Kerry is reportedly making some progress on selecting a running mate. I'm surprised that he's not going with Bob Woodward." —Jay Leno
"Kerry says he wants someone who's pro-choice, who supports affirmative action, and who is against George Bush's war in Iraq. So he could pick Colin Powell." —Jay Leno
"John Kerry announced his plan for saving the environment. His wife is going to buy it and put it in a blind trust." —Jay Leno
"With the situation in Iraq growing ever more dangerous, the 34-member Coalition of The Willing are, one by one, dropping out to join the other coalition known as Most of The Rest of The World." —Jon Stewart
"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger today passed a bill that would help put hydrogen-fueled cars on California roads by the year 2010. This bill is a way of putting out tentative feelers to see if hydrogen cars will be viable. Tentative feelers? Isn't that how Arnold got in trouble in the first place?" —Jay Leno
"Today, the Bush administration said the terrorist organization Hamas should be put out of business. And if there's one thing the Bush administration knows, it's how to put people out of business." —Jay Leno
"Woodward says that Colin Powell warned President Bush about invading Iraq and Powell called it the Pottery Barn rule, ... if you break it, you own it. ... But is that really the Pottery Barn rule? I thought the Pottery Barn rule was you bought it, you're gay." —Jay Leno
"Colin Powell warned President Bush that if he went to war, he would own Iraq's 25 million people and all their hopes and problems. He said, 'You will own it all,' to which Dick Cheney said, 'Ooh, does that include the oil wells?'" —Jay Leno
"Colin Powell said that other countries may also follow Spain and pull their troops out of Iraq. I'm sorry, pull their troop out of Iraq." —Jay Leno
"Our old friend independent candidate Ralph Nader says he thinks the draft is coming back. ... But then again, Ralph thinks he's coming back." —Jay Leno
"The politicians are now having a big argument over what they're calling the Misery Index. ... The Republicans say it's inflation and unemployment. Democrats say it's healthcare and college tuition. I think most Americans have a simpler definition -- regular, premium, and super unleaded." —Jay Leno
"According to Bob Woodward's new book, 'Plan of Attack,' when President Bush first decided to go to war with Iraq, he grabbed Donald Rumsfeld and pulled him into the study just outside the Oval Office and told him his decision. That is the same little room where Bill Clinton took Monica Lewinsky. You know something, we gotta get rid of that little room — that's two presidents in a row that have almost been taken down by that little room." —Jay Leno
"Spain's new Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero announced he will soon call back Spain's 1300 troops from Iraq — meaning the coalition of the willing is fast turning into a duet of the stubborn." —Jon Stewart
"After going to war against the U.N.'s expressed wishes, the U.S. is now admitting it needs the U.N.'s help. It's the geopolitical equivalent of the 2 a.m. phone call ever parent dreads: 'Mom, I'm not saying I wrecked the car, but I need a ride home.'" —Jon Stewart
"After last week's press conference, President Bush was given a $10,000 fine from the FCC for repeating the word Shiite." —Craig Kilborn
"President Bush appointed John Negroponte to be Ambassador of Iraq. How do you get that position, give to John Kerry's campaign?" —Jay Leno
"A new poll shows that most college students would rather have President Bush as a roommate than John Kerry. Yeah, but which one would you rather cheat off of in class?" —Jay Leno
~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive
Jokes for the Week of April 11-17
"Two big announcements coming out of Washington D.C. The tour of duty for 20,000 troops in Iraq may be extended. That's too bad. And the other announcement, the tour of duty for President Bush may not be extended." —David Letterman
"We ought to thank President Bush. He made it a lot easier for people to do taxes this year. No job, no income tax this year." —Jay Leno
"At the White House today, President Bush was answering questions about Iraq and said that he's worried the violence in Fall-u-jah will spread to other parts of the country he can't pronounce." —Craig Kilborn
"John Kerry is reaching out to the young people; rocking campuses across the country on his college tour '04 — featuring a performance by his future Secretary of Defense Jon Bon Jovi. ... Kerry shocked the crowd when he ended his speech by asking, 'Where are the rich widows at?'" —Craig Kilborn
"The adult film industry has shut down all production because two of their stars have tested positive for HIV. Governor Schwarzenegger has of course declared a state of emergency and President Bush says we may have to dip into our porn reserve." —Jimmy Kimmel
"President Bush earned $400,000 for his job as president last year. That's not really that much for being president when you think about it. But President Bush, he doesn't do it for the money, he does it for the eight months of vacation every year." —Jay Leno
"The other night, President Bush's press conference was pre-empted by 'American Idol.' You know the difference between President Bush and 'American Idol?' See, on 'American Idol,' the one with the most votes wins." —Jay Leno
"In his press conference the other night, President Bush said that freedom is a gift from the almighty and we have been called by God to use our military power to spread freedom throughout the world. Then he called that al Sadr guy in Iraq a religious nutcase. He also said God is in favor of a cut in the capital gains tax." —Jay Leno
"This week, President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney released their tax returns. Cheney made more money than the president. When asked about it, the president said, 'That's true, but he also made more decisions.'" —Conan O'Brien
"In the new Osama bin Laden audio tape he offers a truce to all European countries. All major European countries have rejected that offer for a truce except for France. They surrendered." —David Letterman
"CIA Director George Tenet has now testified before the 9/11 commission and he said we are still making the same dumb mistakes, like leaving memos on the President's desk." —David Letterman
"I saw the president on TV. I think he's only had three press conferences during prime time. I though he looked calm. I thought he looked confident. I thought he looked focused. That's right, he was drinking again." —David Letterman
"It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush insisted that Iraq is not Vietnam. Of course not, he avoided Vietnam." —David Letterman
"In his press conference last night, President Bush said he could not remember a single mistake he had made in the last two years. The president's exact quote was: 'I ain't make none mistakes ever.'" —Conan O'Brien
"In his testimony before the 9/11 commission today, CIA director George Tenet said it would take another five years to have the kind of intelligence service our country needs. ... Thanks for letting everybody know that. Good job. We're defenseless." —Conan O'Brien
"President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off." —Jay Leno
"President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating." —Jay Leno
"Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol. Which made sense to me, you don't want too many amateurs on in one night." —David Letterman
"They pre-empted 'American Idol' tonight because President Bush had a press conference. That doesn't seem very American to me. Does it have to be on every network? I know there's a war on, but why does Ryan Seacrest have to suffer?" —Jimmy Kimmel
"Independent candidate Ralph Nader says he thinks the draft is coming back. He claims the federal government is secretly putting draft boards back together, and if you're between the ages of 18 and 36, you're eligible. I'm talking to you, Private Timberlake. President Bush immediately re-enlisted in the National Guard, just to be safe." —Jimmy Kimmel
"Earlier today, the White House released President Bush's tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq." —Conan O'Brien
"They said on CNN today that if things go according to plan, the U.S. will hand over power in Iraq on June 30. 'If things go according to plan?' What plan? Do we have a plan? Did I miss the news today? Is there a plan?" —Jay Leno
"You know when you rent a video and it has that FBI warning at the beginning? Well, Condoleezza Rice now says that is not a warning, it's a historical document." —Jay Leno
"The argument continues about President Bush and whether he did anything about that memo. You know, the famous memo that said terrorists are planning a major attack inside the United States. Actually, it turns out that Bush was more concerned about another urgent memo he got from Attorney General John Ashcroft saying that two gay guys in San Francisco may be planning to get married." —Jay Leno
"President Bush insisted that there was nothing in the August 6th, 2001 briefing, which was titled 'Bin Laden determined to attack the United States', that hinted what bin Laden was up to. Bush says that he would have moved mountains to stop the attack. Yeah, but he draws the line at reading a memo." —David Letterman
"Every Monday after Easter, they have the big Easter Egg hunt at the White House. This is interesting, the kids out there found strong evidence of Easter Eggs, but no actual eggs." —David Letterman
"President Clinton also testified before the 9/11 commission. He said he was very concerned about an attack. In fact, Clinton said he couldn't remember how many times he had told women in the White House, 'Just keep your head down.'" —Jay Leno
"Our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, saved a guy's life who was drowning in Hawaii. And just to be safe, he performed mouth to mouth on the guy's wife." —Craig Kilborn
"Today, Dick Cheney is meeting with Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi. When he heard about it, President Bush said, 'I love the way he sings She Bangs.'" —Craig Kilborn
< SNIP >
(Excerpt) Read more at politicalhumor.about.com ...
Best one! LOL
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.