Posted on 04/30/2004 1:46:53 AM PDT by Liz
How much would you pay for a bicycle? Is seven grand too much?
Not as much as John Kerry [related, bio], I daresay, now that we know, thanks to a front-page story about his butler in The New York Times, that he owns a Serotta bike.
The Serotta, see, is custom-made, with the ``holistic (whole-cyclist) approach to bicycle fitting.''
Translation: It's very expensive. How expensive, you ask. Serotta's ``price points'' are between $1,800 and $5,000 - just for the frame, mind you, if you want extras, like gears and titanium spokes, tack on another $2,000 - which raises the question: what do you suppose Kerry's point is?
Consider that Kerry's second wife owns a Gulfstream V jet, the Flying Squirrel, worth $35 million, and also bought him a personal powerboat, the Scaramouche, worth at least $800,000. So do you think Liveshot's wife's first husband's trust fund bought a bike on the low end, or the high end?
I'll go out on a limb and say Liveshot's bike is worth five large.
And that it actually belongs, not to the solon himself, but to his ``family.''
Repeated calls to Kerry's campaign spokesman over the last two days were not returned. So I looked up Serotta bikes on the Web and came up with a list of local dealers, most of whom operate in such Beautiful People enclaves as Manchester-by-the-Sea and Amherst. Nearest to Kerry's $12-million mansion were dealers in Belmont and a city the Web site described as ``Sommerville.''
Naturally I first called the Serotta dealership in Belmont. I asked the guy the money question. Is Liveshot a customer?
``Why yes he is,'' said the gent, who did not wish to be identified.
Let me guess - Teresa let him spend 5 grand on the type they use in the Tour de France, perhaps the Coeur d'Acier model, given its French name.
``We wouldn't comment on customers,'' he said, frostily.
Enough on the $5,000 bicycle. Now let's move on his fleet of gas-guzzlers. Pardon me, his family's fleet of ozone-layer destroyers.
Before he tracked down his second heiress in 1995, Kerry had a '91 Jetta. In other words, 10 years ago his car was worth less than his bicycle is today. And some people say being a gigolo doesn't pay?
Kerry still owns his old '85 Dodge convertible. The excellent New York Times story on his butler Wednesday said that Kerry's man Jeeves had ``inherited'' the car, but guess what - Kerry just re-registered the Dodge. Its plate is Purple Heart 3, which means he didn't have to pay for the registration.
Granted, he has every right to do that. But still, couldn't he have volunteered to pay the extra $75 . . . for the children? Then there's the 2002 Chrysler 300 sedan. Its current plate is USS 2.
Of course, Liveshot's not the only family member who likes special plates. Down on Nantucket, garaged at the $9 million mansion on Hulbert Avenue, his 65-year-old wife has a yellow '97 Land Rover Defender with the plate: MOZMBQ.
As in Mozambique, don't you know, the widow Heinz's country of origin. The '94 Jeep Grand Cherokee - its license plate is HZ 57. Her third vehicle, the 2001 Chrysler PT Cruiser, has a regular license plate.
Then there's the stepson, Christopher. Apparently he, too, didn't get the memo about only buying Made-in-the-USA vehicles. He's tooling around the island in a gray 2002 Porsche 911.
We're all learning so much in this campaign about the kind of lifestyle that is created when a gigolo marries a gold-digger.
Aren't you getting sick of Kerry? Fortunately, there's one way to assure that you won't have to see him this weekend. Just shop at Wal-Mart. Not even his butler would lower himself that far.
(Howie Carr's radio show can be heard weekday afternoons on WRKO AM 680, WHYN AM 560, WGAN AM 560, WEIM AM 1280 and WXTK 95.1 FM. )
Wait'll this gets out to the masses.
Question. Now, if Kerry has a butler, does Tersa have a footman?
And probably one for every other part, since Lurch had that operation.
Hey, Teresa gets her jollies anyway she can. (Kerry's sexual prowess can be summed up in his nickname---the Minute Man.)
ROTFLMBO.
Butler? Do you think they have a cook? gardener? maid? a whole staff?
LOL!
(The Ten Minute Deals are for special occasions like when Teresa's portfolio hit $500M.)
Figures out to about what? A million a second? LOL.
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