Replies

Tom Servo: What do you think the lesson of the movie was?
Crow: Don't watch it.

Mike Nelson: All right, now watch how a MAN screams in horror.

Tom Servo: You know, beer and porn DO make the shift go faster.

Joel Robinson: "Mitchell". Even his NAME says "Is that a beer?"

Dr. Forrester: Frank, I'm going to start slapping you now and I may never stop.

Crow: "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care.

Crow: Can we agree that from now on, films have to be made by FILMMAKERS?

Crow: Does just walking through it make you want to kill yourself? Then it's a HIGH SCHOOL.

Tom Servo: If you only see 10,000 movies this year, make sure this isn't one of them.

Tom Servo: Thoughts of sex distracted me and now I have to immolate myself to subdue the buzzing in my head.

Crow: It's hard to be menacing when you're dressed like Maude.

Joel Robinson: Iowa State College... the high school after high school.

Crow: What's the point of a helmet in skydiving, in case you land on your head?

Crow: No fair. You can't flash back to stuff we saw ten seconds ago.

Tom Servo: Emby Mellay? That's not a name, it's a bad Scrabble hand.

Mike Nelson: Wench-jacking was a big problem in the Middle Ages.

Mike Nelson: Man, infants are such babies.

Mike Nelson: In the future, geese will be rocket-powered.

Crow: Thrill as they listen really hard.
Tom Servo: Marvel as they listen even harder.

Crow: Is the first stage of grief pure unbridled joy?

Mike Nelson: Get the holy drippings and make the sacred gravy.

Tom Servo: I see the movie has finally thrown up its hands and said, "I just don't know."

Crow: I want to hurt this movie, but I can never hurt it like it hurt me.

Crow: The only response to this film is pure, unbridled hate.

Mike Nelson: You know, this movie can be used to induce vomiting.

Tom Servo: Ladies and gentlemen, the world's least successful werewolf.

[Tom's dressed as a candy-striper]
Tom Servo: Joel, this nurse's outfit makes me very self-conscious and embarrassed - and yet, I don't seem to mind.

Crow: Ooo. I bet that would taste great with drawn butter. Of course, I'd eat my own HEAD with drawn butter.

Crow: Men should NOT have bikini areas.

[The Horror of Party Beach is finally revealed]
Crow: A creature whose face is 80% eyebag.
Tom Servo: So, radiation has a sense of humor.

Tom Servo: You know, just because you CAN edit doesn't mean you SHOULD.

Tom Servo: Please, God, say "The End."

Crow: The ONLY end, my friend.
Mike Nelson: Ya, and the children are all insane, right?

Crow: They withheld all the interesting people 'till the end of the movie...

Tom Servo: [During the end credits of Hamlet] Hamlet will return in "Thunderball".

Crow: [amused] How many monsters movies end with a janitor scooping the monster into a garbage can.

Tom Servo: Gee, even the movie "The Fog" didn't have this much fog.

Crow: I have my doubts that this movie is actually "starring" anybody. More like "camera is generally pointed at."

Tom Servo: [upon seeing the credit "Brian Hamill - Still Photographer"] I'm glad Brian Hamill's still a photographer. I was afraid he'd be laid off.

Tom Servo: Uh-oh. Hilarity, guys. Not since the pie-fight scene in "The Great Race"...
Crow: Not since the mudslide scene in "McClintock"...
Joel Hodgson: Not since the wagon race scene in "The Hallelujah Trail"...
Crow: Not since the chess-playing scene in "The Seventh Seal"...
Tom Servo: Not since the orgy scene in "Caligula"...
Joel Hodgson: Huh?
Crow: What?
Tom Servo: Um... well, hilarity, anyway.

Crow: You're really stupid if you get hit by a car AFTER the Apocalypse.

Crow: That's it. I'm giving in and looking at the breasts.

Mike Nelson: I think controlling her will might involve a sloe gin and a Corvette.

[On the Malta police]
Mike Nelson: Stop or we'll surrender.

Tom Servo: He always offers me beef.

[Off to the left side of the screen, a car rolls off camera]
Tom Servo: Boy, the car will do anything to get out of the movie.

Mike Nelson: Okay, hold it. Everyone go up a shirt size.

Tom Servo: Well whaddaya know, a random citizen who can kick a werewolf's ass.

Tom Servo: Okay, what are we looking at and why are we looking at it?

Crow: So, the only effect of his complete immolation is... minor irritation and redness?

[The title "The Touch of Satan" appears]
Mike Nelson: The touch of Satan relaxes your hands while you do the dishes.

Crow: It wasn't amnesia I had... it was Ambrosia.
[sings]
Crow: Make a wish, baby...

TV's Frank: Face it, Nelson. Your ratings STINK. Sheesh, you bring in less ratings than reruns of "The Duck Factory."

Model: As easy as A, B, C.
Mike Nelson: She formed a sentence.

Crow: Oh great, the nutty birdman from apartment 4B is going to give us a religious insight.

[Watching Betty the acrobat swinging on a circus-swing]
Tom Servo: Yes, our Betty swings both ways.

Mike Nelson: You know guys, the whole situation, being stuck up here in space, forced to watched cheesy movies, interacting with other life forms... it kinda bites.
Crow: You're starting to catch on, Kimosabe.

[Crow is dressed as Mary Tyler Moore, but Mike "Ted Baxter" Nelson and Tom "Lou Grant" Servo refuse to treat him as Mary Richards]
Crow: [angrily] I can turn the world on with my stinkin' smile.