Posted on 03/22/2004 10:48:47 AM PST by JesseHousman
The walkway to Wendy and Danelle Tanner's home is covered with chalk drawings and scribbles. A train set meanders around the living room floor. A mysteriously expanding seahorse floats in a pitcher of water on the dining room table.
Danelle Tanner is a physicist at Sandia Laboratories; Wendy Tanner stays home with the couple's two boys, ages 4 and 11.
Take away the fact that they're both women, they say, and their family is as normal as any could be. But they acknowledge that they face legal and financial concerns married couples don't.
They also face the opinions of some people who insist that the best family for kids is one with both a mom and a dad. Some say that children growing up in same-sex households face shame and embarrassment, and suffer long-lasting effects.
New Mexico ranks 10th per capita in the nation in the number of same-sex households. According to the 2000 Census, New Mexico has 4,496 same-sex households, with 1,366 raising children. The number with children is close to the national average.
When you break those figures down, the number of New Mexico men raising children— 530 couples— is slightly greater than the national average. The state's 830 female child-rearing couples is slightly lower.
Some states have laws that restrict the ability of these couples to adopt; New Mexico does not. Like any other prospective parent, they have to prove they are fit to care for the child.
Both of the Tanners' sons were adopted. Wendy assumed Danelle's last name so they would all be Tanners.
Cheryl Gooding and partner Julie Rosen went another route. They asked a friend, Jeff, to be their sperm donor. Rosen carried the child, a girl, and Gooding adopted her.
"I didn't have any legal standing until the adoption went through," Gooding said. The adoption, which took place in Massachusetts, was not easy.
"We got a judge who was not very enthusiastic about same-sex marriage," she said. "We had to go through a lot of hoops."
Their daughter, Anya Rosen-Gooding, is now 6. A picture of Jeff with his male partner hangs on their refrigerator door.
Last year, the American Academy of Pediatrics issued a position paper on adoption by same-sex couples.
"A considerable body of professional literature provides evidence that children with parents who are homosexual can have the same advantages and the same expectations for health, adjustment, and development as can children whose parents are heterosexual," the paper states.
Echoing this, Albuquerque child therapist Phillip Mann said that nothing about being raised by a same-sex couple in itself leads to mental or emotional disturbance.
But this is not a position embraced by everyone. Phyllis Hammons, a licensed counselor in Albuquerque who identified herself as a conservative Christian, said she believes that being raised by same-sex parents is "very damaging to children." She said she has counseled adults who were raised by gay parents. "Their experience has been one of embarrassment, shame. They didn't feel that they could bring their friends home because they were embarrassed by the situation." These feelings can develop into depression, panic attacks or other emotional disorders, she said.
Hammons believes that same-sex couples should be banned from marrying and restricted from adopting children.
"(God) created marriage to be one man, one woman," she said. "Children are to be raised in that kind of environment."
Ona Porter, 57, said she once believed that the traditional model was the only model. Following in the footsteps of other women in her generation, she married and had children. Looking back on her 12-year marriage, which produced two daughters, she recalls being unhappy without knowing why.
In 1986, she met Miriam Rand, a divorced mother of one. Soon, the two families— Porter's two teenagers and Rand's toddler daughter— became one.
Emilie Porter Rand, Rand's daughter who added Porter's last name to hers when she was in high school, said she feels lucky to have the family she does.
"I knew people who had heterosexual parents who screamed at each other all the time, didn't get along, did awful thing to each other," said Porter Rand, a sophomore at American University in Washington, D.C. "I had two parents who loved each other and loved me."
Her mother acknowledges, though, that having same-sex parents wasn't always easy for her daughter.
"For Emilie, it was extraordinarily difficult in high school," Rand said. "She was in the position all the time of having to decide whether there was an imperative to defend what she felt was a wonderful life."
The statements that stung often stemmed from thoughtlessness, Porter Rand said.
"I never stood for someone saying, 'That's so gay,' or 'You're such a fag,' '' she said.
Ona Porter's youngest daughter, Cherif Porter-Park, 32, is married with a 5-year-old daughter. She and her husband run a clothing retail shop in Albuquerque. Her older daughter, Jami Porter, who came out as a lesbian when she was in college, is traveling the country with her partner.
Rand says their family is proof that the critics of gay parenting are wrong. "We really believe to know us is to love us," Rand said.
While Rand and Porter felt comfortable sharing their story, others had concerns. Several parents contacted for this story declined to be interviewed because they feared it would make their family a target for ridicule or harassment.
The families who were interviewed said they had searched diligently for neighborhoods, day cares, schools and churches where their children were most likely to be accepted. Gooding and Rosen, along with the Tanners, live close to the University of New Mexico and say they feel welcomed in their neighborhoods.
Being rejected isn't their only worry, though. In the short term, many same-sex couples pay higher taxes and insurance premiums. Rosen, who is deputy director at Albuquerque HealthCare for the Homeless, and Danelle Tanner, at Sandia, say they are fortunate to work at places that extend benefits to domestic partners.
In the long run, they have fewer options for securing their estate and planning for their children's future.
"The level of stress we live under daily is huge," Wendy Tanner said. She is plagued by the worry that, if something happens to either her or her partner, "the whole family is rended asunder," she said.
Although their relationship with both their families is good, and they've had many legal documents drawn up to protect them, there's no iron-clad guarantee that their wishes will be respected if either of them dies.
Security is the main reason they were among the first to line up for a marriage license at the Sandoval County Clerk's Office in February.
The license now stands framed on their fireplace mantle.
Danelle Tanner said the furor the licenses ignited made her realize the anger and bitterness that still exists outside the circle of their open-minded community.
"There are people out there that just hate me because I'm gay," she said, turning to Wendy. "Because I love you." But the legality of the Turners' marriage license is uncertain.
Within hours of Sandoval County Clerk Victoria Dunlap agreeing to issue licenses to same-sex couples on Feb. 20, Attorney General Patricia Madrid advised that the licenses were illegal and the county stopped issuing them.
Ultimately, the issue is expected to end up in court.
God may owe Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
Her older daughter, Jami Porter, who came out as a lesbian when she was in college, is traveling the country with her partner.
They perform in X-rated cabarets and call their wholesome act "The Aristocrats."
I think your headline is missing a word or two.
Should be 1000-Plus New Mexico Same-Sex Households Raising Kids.
Attention: Admin Moderator, please correct.
thanks.
There. I fixed it.
Absolutely I agree that the headline is beyond useless, it is deliberately misleading. The "normal" inference would be subconscious with 98% of readers.
On the other hand, an honest headline would not get a second glance from me.
1,000-Plus Same-Sex N.M. Households Raising Kids
Lawyer Notes Rise in Same-Sex Splits
Legislators Oppose Gay Vows
'Teach-In' Focuses on Gay Marriage
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