[leadpenny]

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

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On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

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Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

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On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

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There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

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"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

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From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised."

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"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

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Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

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"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

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"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

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And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on the horn, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

[hadaclueonce]

I am not a pilot and that is funny stuff..

[expatpat]

Thanks for a good laugh! I heard a few good ones myself over the radio, but not as good as these.

[trussell]

Frightened passenger after the OMG statement: "I'm getting off while the gettings still good!!!"

[Robe]

Overheard...
Female Voice ....."United 454 is with you for the ILS approach to 36 Right"
UnIdentified Deep Male Voice ..... "There goes another empty Kitchen"

[RightField]

Question: What constitutes a good airplane landing?
Answer: When people can walk off the plane.

Question: What constitutes a great airplane landing?
Answer: When the plane can be flown again.

[Fiddlstix]

ROFLMAO!
BUMP!

[luigi]

Thanks, these are great! Bookmarked, right beside this one.

[Aeronaut]

[SledgeCS]

I used to do a lot of travel for a previous job so I have heard of few things. There are 2 that really stand out in my mind.

1. On a return flight into DIA on very stormy night in late summer. Very bad turbulence and lots of rain. I had the luck to sit next to a whiteknuckler, who was sitting in a wing window seat. He kept commenting on the storm, with the rain and the lightning. Me being the smart-ass I am could not resist, I acted like this was my first flight and was asking him questions. Just then the landing lights came on and you could see the amount of rain. I asked him "Hey look at that rain, it going right into the engine. Doesn't water put out fire????" Right then some type of vents opened on the front part of the engine and dumped a huge amount of water. The poor guy passed out cold, I thought I killed him. Needless to say when the plan landed I was one of the first off.

#2 On a connecting flight in St. Louis, we did not push away from the terminal on time or 45 min later. The pilot came on and told us they were working on something on the front landing gear assembly, and we would push back in about 5-10 minutes. Well, it seems that they had lifted the from of the plane with an air jack to be able check on whatever was the issue. I never felt the plane lift or anything. The pilot came on and informed us that we would be pushing back right away, at that moment they dropped the air jack and the front of the plane dropped about 4-6 inches with a loud thud. The scene inside the plane reminded me of the movie Airplane. About 15 people deplaned, they refused to remain on that flight.

SledgeCS

[ServesURight]

[RightOnline]

Ping, son. Enjoy.

[united1000]

(found these old ones)

Enclosed are excerpts from Colonel Archie Clapp's famous treatise on Aviation:

"ARCHIE CLAPP'S BASIC FLIGHT MANUAL FOR FLEDGLING PILOTS WHO HAVEN'T FLOWN VERY MUCH YET." (Ugly Angel Press, 1962, all rights reserved).

* Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

* If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back then they get bigger again)

* Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

* It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.

* The Rotor is just a big fan on top of the a/c to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

* It's best to keep the Rotors on top as much as possible.

* The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

* Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

* The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

* Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by day.

* A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion.

* Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

* There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

* The only thing worse than a pilot who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a pilot.

* Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

* You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

* Gravity never loses. The best you can hope for is a draw.

 

[united1000]

Flying A B-5 A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hot dog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.

The hot dog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this, hot-shot." The B-5 continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"

"I just shut down two engines, kid."

[hoagy62]

From Reader's Digest "Humor in Uniform"

Back in the 60's, a C-124 Globemaster II had taxied to a crossing in the taxiway at an Air Force base. Sitting on the crossing near the other taxiway was an F-4 fighter. Both sat there, unsure of who had the right-of-way.

Finally, the F-4 pilot, tired of waiting, called the tower:"Ground Control, what are the intentions of the -124?"

Without hesitation, the clamshell nose doors of the Globemaster started to open, and this low,sonorous voice came over the radio " I'm going to eat you!"

[ArmstedFragg]

A reported communication on a heavy going into DFW:

There was a considerable amount of traffic that day, and ATC had given the aircraft several speed reductions, despite the increasing level of incredulity evident in the co-pilot's voice as each was acknowledged.

Finally, in response to yet another slow down, he said "DFW, are you aware of the stall speed of this aircraft?"

To which ATC replied, "no sir, but if you'll check with your pilot I'm pretty sure he knows".

[facedown]

Bump; ping.

[Not A Snowbird]

Seen most of these... husband is a pilot... but they're still funny every time I read them!

[Ichneumon]

The absolute best collection of aviation quotes on the internet (including funny, profound, philosophical, and moving): SkyGod.com: Great Aviation Quotes -- Quotations on Flying, with many separate pages for quotes in different categories.

"Lady, you want me to answer you if this old airplane is safe to fly? Just how in the world do you think it got to be this old?" — Anon

"What is that mountain goat doing way up here in the clouds?" — Gary Larson, in a well-known 'Farside' cartoon.

"But to fly is just like swimming. You do not forget easily. I have been on the ground for more than ten years. If I close my eyes, however, I can again feel the stick in my right hand, the throttle in my left, the rudder bar beneath my feet. I can sense the freedom and the cleanliness and all the things which a pilot knows." — Saburo Sakai, Tokyo, 1956. Japan's greatest living ace with 64 kills, who was banned from flying at the end of W.W. II. From the foreword to 'Samurai!'

"Ma, I love yah." — last recorded words from PSA 182, after a fatal mid-air with a Cessna over San Diego, 25 September 1978. The unidentified voice was one of the pilots, the flight engineer, or a company pilot riding the jumpseat

[gcruse]

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

I know the area well, and yes, this would work.