I'd Leave the Country, but My Wife Won't Let Me Bush Takes Aim at My American Family

TheVillageVoice ^ | March 3 - 9, 2004 | Laura Conaway

[fight_truth_decay]

"I've fantasized about leaving this country since I was 12 years old, but never more desperately than last Tuesday, when the president announced that my gay family should be banned by the U.S. Constitution. Suddenly, expatriation stopped being about wool berets and red wine at lunch. My loved ones and I were standing at the wrong end of a government's gun—not literally, of course, but in a way that threatens our deepest understanding of our lives. Our hopes for a happy, loving, ordinary marriage had become a national threat. George Bush had called for an amendment against same-sex marriage.

"Can we just go to Canada now?" I asked my wife, knowing the answer. We argue remarkably little for people who have a toddler and spend every possible moment together. Except we do have this one running debate at the breakfast table, which starts with me saying we could get legally married, right now, north of the border. Sarah holds up the weather page and says, "Hey, that cold air out there? It came from Canada, and it got warmer on the way."

It's warm in Vancouver, I say.

And we could be freer there. But she's not going, for reasons beyond the mercury. She wants to live as an American—more specifically, as a New Yorker—regardless of whether this America wants her. She wants our son to grow up an American, even if it means he'll lack the protections of the kid next door. Being American matters to her, and that means it matters to me. Four years ago this fall, we stood before an Episcopal priest and were pronounced married for life, for better, for worse. "Those whom God has joined together," the priest warned, "let no one put asunder." I won't leave her, Mr. Bush, not even on account of you.

But, oh, the siren call of liberty. Blame my parents for making me rootless by moving too often. Blame me for believing any place with equal rights and a bookstore is good enough. I can accept exile, but I cannot accept less than fair. I want to be a full citizen, with this woman, today. I want to do whatever it takes, sacrifice whatever is necessary, go wherever I have to, for that to be so.

I want to be taxed equally. I want my Social Security benefits to go somewhere besides down the drain. I want the Fifth Amendment right not to testify against Sarah, and to protect our private correspondence from subpoena, the same as other spouses. Couples like us don't have that right. Surprised? Rosie O'Donnell and her wife were, when the lawyers came after them.

I want our politicians and religious leaders to stop going on television and suggesting that legalizing marriage for us would be like legalizing sex with dogs. My wife, in my arms? They are talking about my wife, in my arms. Do they know, do they care, how much that hurts? Where must we run to be safe from them?

I want my wife not to feel such pressure and fear that she curls up in bed at night and cries. On the night of Wednesday, February 25, a woman in Brooklyn lay crying because she can't understand why people would hate her so, why they'd have to denigrate a beautiful and private part of her life with the most heinous rhetoric. Think about that. My wife lay in tears because strangers are clamoring for the power to decide whether she belongs, whether the American promise should hold true for her—as if there were any question which way they'd vote.

What stands between us and them? A couple dozen senators, and some of those are on the fence. Where is our right to a meaningful marriage, to the honest pursuit of happiness? We want our justice and "domestic tranquility." Whose country is this, anymore? Someone tell me. I get the feeling it's no longer mine.

For me, one of parenting's most profound lessons is that I am supposed to take care of Sarah and the baby, collectively, as a unit. It's not like she's a helpless damsel and I'm a butch knight—if anyone's the tough guy around here, it's her. Rather, I believe all mothers need protecting so they can get on with the open-hearted business of mothering. What works for me is to have Sarah come first, and with Sarah comes the baby. If there are two seats on the life raft, I'm drowning. House fire, I'm first in for the kid. Not enough food, I'm hungry, not her and not him.

Now comes an enemy who outweighs me, outnumbers me, corners me at will. And you know how I can really tell I'm overmatched? I wish it away. I say to Sarah, they'll never get this marriage amendment out of the Senate. They may get it out of the House, but never the Senate. This blustering of mine is worth only so much. We each know the amendment would likely pass in the states—it would need approval from 38, and that many already have statutes against gay marriage. Would Sarah leave then? She says maybe.

I look for example to older African Americans, though many of them don't want us, either. Not wanting to offend, I silently think of the children marching into the fire hoses of Birmingham, the adults who sat at segregated lunch counters while mobs poured ketchup on their heads. Some mothers and fathers back then asked their kids to be first through the schoolhouse door, rocks and bullets and all. Others left for the relative tolerance up North in places like Chicago and Harlem, unwilling to make an existence of waiting. I know what's happening to us isn't the same as that, exactly, but it requires of me the same kind of courage. You just hope the breakthrough happens in your lifetime.

The privacy of this struggle may be the worst part, the continued aloneness of being. So many people don't get it. They say things to us like "Being married isn't all it's cracked up to be"—as if we weren't religiously married already, as if being blocked from the city clerk's door were great fun. They say, "Wouldn't civil unions be enough?" or, now that gay couples are marrying out West, "I'd hate for this marriage thing to win Bush the election." They say, "You really have to pay taxes like that?" and "Being domestic partners doesn't help you?" and "You should see the marriage penalty we pay." They say, "Oh, I wish it were different for you." They say, "Come to our wedding! We're getting married!"

Sometimes I think the greatest hindrance to our cause is the sheer force of the American legend. So strongly do people believe this country stands for freedom that they can't fathom it's ever otherwise. Sign a few contracts, the well-intentioned advise, and you'll get all the same rights as straight couples—that's an outrageous fiction, but not as outrageous as the notion that being almost equal under the law is good enough.

For now, we can't get even that far, with leaders like Bush smirking at this thing Sarah and I call marriage. Should he need proof of the moral weight of our vows, I'd ask him to consider this: If it weren't for the true marriage I'm in, and the needs of the wife I've pledged to love, I would flee this America to fulfill my own dream of equality. Instead, with no small sum of fear, I will stay with her and fight.

[kcvl]

Slavery’s Legacy Shackled the Black Vote—And Cost Gore Thousands of Ballots
Democracy in Chains

by Laura Conaway & James Ridgeway
November 29 - December 5, 2000

They meant to vote for Al Gore. Many came from the black, poor, education-deprived neighborhoods of Jacksonville, and had never cast a ballot before. But they got on the buses in Duval County, Florida, and they went to the polls. They did just what the Democratic organizers instructed: Punch a hole on every page.



http://www.villagevoice.com/issues/0048/fridgeway.php

[Petronski]

Like it was accepted in Grandma Walton's day.

Hey, everybody knows Grandma Walton was a goer, back in the day.

;O)

[Eala]

Ugh. Every one of those pairs is a mockery.

[Sofa King]

"Our hopes for a happy, loving, ordinary marriage"

...between two women.

"Whose country is this, anymore? Someone tell me. I get the feeling it's no longer mine."

Here's my observation: gay marraige isn't legal most places in the US, and hasn't been legal. Listening to these people, you'd think that it had always been legal and that just now GWB was trying to illegalize it.

They're the ones trying to push an agenda on us while they act like we're trying legislate them.

[b4its2late]

"I've fantasized about leaving this country since I was 12 years old,

Please make it a reality.

[TC Rider]

Canada? Sound like she's got the "Call of the Flannel"

[longtermmemmory]

This is making people MORE determined to have the FMA. The homosexuals should move to scandanavia. It is a homosexual paradise.

This article is attempting to co-opt the word "family". It is not a homosexual sex partner, its "family".

The NY AG provided the roadmap of the homosexuals. All states will be sued to force recognition based on equal protection. Why? because sex is an individual adult right, FFC is exposed to a potential (but increadibly weak) public policy exception. Either way either would eventually work to kill 1996 DMA.

We have to have FMA. My vote will be cast with the FMA and I will be urging others to do the same.

Kerry would federalize civil unions. Imigration, social security would all be drained in order to give governemnt sanction to an adult sex act.

[TonyM]

No matter how many loony judges say its legal, and no matter how many worthless licenses are issued, gays will never really be married.

[bellas_sister]

I believe the "HE" you speak of is infact a "SHE".... that is were the whole GAY marriage thing would come in...

[giznort]

"Our hopes for a happy, loving, ordinary marriage had become a national threat."

Excuse me, a happy, loving,ordinary marriage, i.e., between a man and a woman, which is ordinary, has not become a national threat. When you try to skew a marriage as anything else, it is not a marriage.

[longtermmemmory]

actually not, the real money is when there are children and marriages over five years. Homosexuals do not have children, homosexuals are only together less than two years.

That is not even long enough for temporary alimony. Lawyers who think there is money in homosexual divorce are wrong. Besides, they will go to the homosexual lawyers. They will not go to the "normal" lawyers.

[Sofa King]

"My fantasy, other than watching you leave, is watching you and your wife get it on..."

Unshaven legs and all?

[fr_freak]

freaks

Hey now...calling them that is an insult to freaks everywhere.

[longtermmemmory]

The supposed straigh man looks very unhappy. Perhaps its the freakshows behind him.

John Kerry, the "Gay!" candidate.

[tuckrdout]

"I want our politicians and religious leaders to stop going on television and suggesting that legalizing marriage for us would be like legalizing sex with dogs. My wife, in my arms? They are talking about my wife, in my arms. Do they know, do they care, how much that hurts?"

Why does this "hurt" them? I really don't understand their prejudice. No one loves a person like their dog. Unconditional love that, is not found in humanity. Dogs don't argue, dogs don't demand their own way. If someone finds pure joy and happiness with their dog and wants to share their life with them, why should this upset this homosexual couple. Why should they be "hurt" by the private relationships of another person?

Could it be that legally equating the interspecies love parterners, somehow degrades and makes a mockery of the "solemn" nature of her relationship? Because in fact interspecies relationships are NOT normal, and are in fact aberrant..deviant?

Well now. If she can understand that, then she should be able to understand that this is exactly how Hetrosexual couples feel about their marriages. It "hurts" them to hear homosexual partnerships described in the same terms as theirs.

[concerned about politics]

She wants our son to grow up an American, even if it means he'll lack the protections of the kid next door.

Only if he turns into a flaming fag, too. Maybe homos shouldn't try to raise children then, aye?

[Publius6961]

Do the gay gene and the moron gene go together? This person worked herself up to a lather fretting about something she never had up to now. Even before "last tuesday". Is anything going to be different for her should the Marriage Amendment pass? Only in her tiny mind. No one, as far as I know, is planning to come "after her" or her wife or any children she may have rented out.

What is it with these people? I would be happy never having to hear from her again, and I can assure her she will never hear from me, either. She can call herself a husband or a tree or a brick. I don't care. If being unable to have any emotional rest because I will never call her married, she can just learn to deal with it. It's my choice.

Poor baby. Living her "pretend life" isn't enough? Too bad.

[kennedy]

That's what happens when you can't win without the votes of people who are too stupid to vote.

[tuckrdout]

"They may get it (Marriage amendment)out of the House, but never the Senate. This blustering of mine is worth only so much. We each know the amendment would likely pass in the states—it would need approval from 38, and that many already have statutes against gay marriage. Would Sarah leave then? She says maybe."

PLEASE, PLEASE pressure your Senators to pass this amendment QUICKLY!!! We need it. We can not "leave it up to the states"....activists know that this means that they win. The courts will rape our society with homosexual "marriage".

[caisson71]

and don't let the door hit you on the way out.......