"There's no way I can lose in November if my opponent becomes my running mate," Kerry said. It is believed that this brilliant campaign strategy was based on advice he had received last week from disgraced former New Jersey Senator Robert Toricelli, whose 2002 campaign ended when the New Jersey Supreme Court somehow figured out a way to replace Torricelli on the ballot with a fossil from the Museum of Natural History known as Homo Francus Lautenbergus -- also known as "New Jersey Landfill Man."
"We do dis kinda sh!t in New Joisey all da time," said Torricelli spokesman / financial backer / security expert, Anthony Soprano.
The Bush campaign could not -- or would not -- be reached for comment.
In other news, Matt Drudge is reporting that John F. Kerry's IQ has been tested in the 40-45 range as recently as last week.
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