Toiletbowl XXXVIII

American Spectator ^ | 02/02/04 | Reid Collins

[Pokey78]

Now, what do all those folks who watch the Super Bowl for the commercials have to say? Wasn't it fun? Especially if the kids were allowed to stay up and watch at least the first half of the game, 'cause that's where the really filthy ones were slotted.

The beer ad with the two dogs was especially cute. A trained dog fetches his master a Bud from the cooler. Beer in hand, the master asks the other fellow what his dog can do. The other fellow's dog obviously bites the first man in the crotch, causing him to toss the beer to the other fellow.

There is the large, jolly African-American man going down a hallway to get a massage, but is lured into a side room full of beer. We see him agonized and screaming in pain as the door closes informing us that he has wandered into the "bikini wax " room by mistake.

They aren't all beer ads, these classics for which we have waited all year. One is a car ad featuring juveniles with bars of soap lodged in their mouths. How this comes about is revealed when a little boy views one of the new cars, mouths the words, "Holy sh--" and is next seen with a bar of soap in his mouth.

There is a chimpanzee, a young man's pet, who puts an arm around the man's girlfriend when the swain has gone for the beer. The primate speaks and suggests they go upstairs, obviously for sex. The swain returns briefly, causing the chimp to withdraw an arm. But the conversation resumes when the swain leaves, the chimp wondering if the intended sex partner has anything against a hairy back.

It isn't all sex. Some is simple scatology. A beautiful wintery scene in the forest. A man and a woman are seated together in a horse-drawn sleigh. The man romantically produces a crystal ball with a lighted candle, then leans to produce some beers from a cooler. At this moment, the gray horse drawing the sleigh lifts its tail high over its back and breaks wind in the woman's face with such force that it blows out the candle and destroys her makeup and hairdo.

The commercial aficionados may have sought relief in a live halftime show featuring P. Diddy and others in a writhing dance accompanied by lyrics that could not be understood in the Western Hemisphere, a combination of rap and rapacity that climaxed when Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake performed a series of gyrations redolent of the chimp commercial and climaxing with Miss Jackson's right breast apparently exposed.

For reasons known only to CBS and the time buyers, the commercials during most of the second half were reasonably tame. There were some appeals to responsibility when drinking, a couple of expensive car ads, some inoffensives for AOL, but no further plays on bestiality, flatulence or painful depilatory episodes. Too bad, for by now the kiddies were in bed. The rectitude of the network had spared them and their elders the pain of watching a commercial with political overtones, the CBS practices regime rejecting such a crass offering.

It is said that the New England Patriots won the game with the Carolina Panthers in the last minute or so, but not by the point spread. Speaking of "spread," did you hear the one about... Sorry. Too much television, I guess.


Reid Collins is a former CBS and CNN news correspondent.

[BenLurkin]

It really is a shame that half-time had to feature ->

The game itself was GREAT!

[bellevuesbest]

Well, at least it was a great football game.

[Semi Civil Servant]

Now, what do all those folks who watch the Super Bowl for the commercials have to say? Wasn't it fun? Especially if the kids were allowed to stay up and watch at least the first half of the game, 'cause that's where the really filthy ones were slotted.

That about sums it up. I guess the ad agencies are now hiring only 13 year old boys who still have issues with their potty training. It was real sophisticated stuff, all right.

[jocon307]

It was a great game I thought, a classic football game. But our author is quite correct, the commercials during the first half were filthy, and during the second half much less so.

I didn't notice that at the time, and I missed the boob-shot, but hubby did say, during the early commercials that they should call it the "crotch bowl".

FWIW, Beyonce (don't know how to get the accent on the second e) did very well singing the Star Spangled Banner. She didn't best Witney, but she did very well. And I loved her suit, you could get married in a nice, white, suit like that.

And my team won, but didn't cover the spread, and now I owe hubby a flat $50. and that's all I have to say about the Super Bowl.

[prisoner6]

Was there a live FR thread running during the game? Usually we do have on e running but I don't seem to be able to find it now. Since I work the nightshift (and have to do sports in the morning) I like to read throught the threads so I get a feel for how the game went.

prisoner6

[off-roader]

Well, I really liked the AOL commercials with the Tuttle family. Very well done, especially the last one where Mikey launches off the ramp and out of the picture.

[Southflanknorthpawsis]

That about sums it up. I guess the ad agencies are now hiring only 13 year old boys who still have issues with their potty training. It was real sophisticated stuff, all right.

Your comment is priceless. I couldn't agree more.

I was never amused at poo-poo, pee-pee, body part humor as a child and I surely don't find it entertaining as an adult.

It's kind of insulting to the viewers to think that advertisers are catering to the mindless twits out there.

[Honestfreedom]

Did anyone catch the pregame PETA commercial with the frolicking bimbos who are excited when the pizza delivery guy tells them about his big sausage, then disappear with him but are disappointed by his sausage. They are then impressed with the guy who has vegetarian sausage. I don't think I am stuffy but the coarseness of our culture was certainly on display tonight.

[Hawkeye's Girl]

Those were great! I really liked them!

All the other commericals were pretty lame, though-it was a bad year for them.

[1066AD]

I'm not very interested in NFL but my wife is a fan so when Super Bowls roll around she's watching the game and I'm more interested in the commercials .. today's adv offerings were pitiful compared to some prior year classics, great game but mostly second rate commercials and fourth rate half-time so-called entertainment. With commercial rates reported as being $2.3million for 30seconds I was expecting much better !

[NonValueAdded]

I thought the moveon.org commercial was the most disgusting but it had plenty of competition. I sentence the CBS executives to a kick in the crotch.

[BenLurkin]

Only heard most of the first half on the radio (driving one of the teen Lurkins 100 miles back from a tournament)

Commercials I remember on TV seemed pretty ordinary.

[cyborg]

wow didn't take long for commentators did it?

[Noumenon]

A farting horse, huh? Well, with six horses (and a seventh on the way) it's not like we don't see that happen around here. Especially after a big fat flake of rich alfalfa.

But in a half-time commercial? Sheeesh.

As for the boob thing, I didn't see it, but nothing - NOTHING - happens by 'accident' in these things. You can bet your last buffalo wing that this was planned down to the last gyration. (and anyhow, what do you expect from a family of hos, freaks and parasites?)

[pgkdan]

At this moment, the gray horse drawing the sleigh lifts its tail high over its back and breaks wind in the woman's face with such force that it blows out the candle and destroys her makeup and hairdo.

Actually ot was a white horse and it's flatulence ignited the flame on the candle and singed the woman's face and hair.

[Pokey78]

That was my first thought too. Gotta love the internet!

[pgkdan]

It was a GREAT game...terrible commercials and a freak show at half time.

[I still care]

I thought the commercial about the kid cursing "Holy S..." was really insulting and stupid. I kept thinking the ones thinking up these skanky commercials must have been 18 year olds fresh from watching those dirty movies that pass for humor these days.

I turned the whole thing off after Janet Jackson. They obviously weren't marketing to me. Bathroom humor tends to turn off people out of their twenties.