Palmetto State heartbreak: Politics is a one-night stand

Jewish World Review ^ | Jan. 30, 2004 | Kathleen Parker

[SJackson]

It's time again for South Carolina's quadrennial 15 minutes of fame, when candidates discover their Southern accents, their admiration for Jesus, their deep affection for grits and, with luck, a possible genetic link to Nat Turner.

Time, too, to dust off the camera-ready cast of local characters as the media descend.

There's Huntin' Dude, who drives a pickup with a gun rack and enjoys an occasional chaw. There's Gap-Toothed Dude, the not-too-bright boy whose Diddy's Grandiddy fought in the War of Northern Aggression and who'll give up his gun and rebel flag just as soon as the satellite trucks trundle over the hill.

Next is Angry-African-American, whose soul can't be rested because Jesse Jackson and the NAACP won't let it. Then there's plucky Southern Belle, that variously coiffed or pony-tailed SUV-driving soccer mom who has a law degree, but is a stay-at-home mom first.

And of course, there's "Tammy," the minimum-wage truck-stop/diner waitress who calls everybody "Hon" and wouldn't take nothin' for her grandbabies. She just turned 35 and wouldn't touch a welfare dollar if you slipped it into her Marlboro Lights.

That leaves White Guy, but who cares about him? Unless he's a veteran or unemployed. Gotta love those disenfranchised textile and steel workers, especially if you're John "I'm just a linthead" Edwards. And veterans are supposed to find common cause with John F. "What Botox?" Kerry, who is either for or against the war in Iraq depending, apparently, on which direction his remaining facial muscles are pointing.

Or, alternatively, Wesley Clark, the argyle general, who can't help mentioning that he is a general, not a mere lieutenant. Not that he means anything by it.

So go the leading demographic blocks, leaving a smattering of hippies, nerds, black church ladies and self-loathing Trustafarians ("So we inherited our wealth from generations of slave-holding plantation owners and textile magnates, but we hate it, o-KAY?!") to be divvied up among Howard Dean, Joe Lieberman, Al Sharpton and Dennis Kucinich.

[let us cross over the river]

A Carolina ping

[SC Swamp Fox]

SC Ping

FReepmail me if you want on or off this list.

[EllaMinnow]

...but I kept thinking that a nice shampoo might improve their mood.

That's what I think when I see Hillary.

[EllaMinnow]

Is there a South Carolina Republican consensus on the primary? Which way to vote and throw a monkey wrench into the 'rats?

I'll be talking to my sister in Spartanburg tomorrow. She's a good Republican and will want to cast her vote the best way.

[SC Swamp Fox]

Is there a South Carolina Republican consensus on the primary?

Not really. A debate is raging on our local board as to whether a person can vote in the Dem primary and still vote in the GOP primary later in the spring when we will be choosing a senatorial candidate.

Some people think that we should punch a chad for Al Sharpton in hope that he has enough delegates to stir the convention....maybe get to speak in primetime.

Others think we should vote for Edwards in an attempt to delay Kerry's eventual win. This makes them waste more money and keeps Kerry "running to the left".

[dixie sass]

Repubican primaries are coming up in June, I prefer to be able have a say in who runs for Hollin's seat than to try and play games.

We hollered loud and strong for years about the dirty tricks the dems played during elections and now people are starting to say that we should use the same tricks.

Doesn't work for me. I refuse to lower myself to the standard that the Dem's have set. It doesn't make sense to me...

[EllaMinnow]

I am honestly sorry. I was under the impression that South Carolina was like Georgia, and had completely open primaries.

I know just what you mean. I would have to switch my Florida Republican registration to dem to vote in our primary, and that is something that I will never do.

[.cnI redruM]

What, you didn't think Curt Cobain was a genius (sarcasm off/)

[.cnI redruM]

Can you imagine how Thutpid he would have felt if he had missed?