Posted on 01/28/2004 11:34:37 AM PST by TheBigB
If you are going to live, or visit in the South, you need to know the rules. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rules of the Southerner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter a Southern State.
1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. The red dirt - it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color don't wash your car for a couple weeks - it'll be permanent.
4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for - bait.
7. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
8. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.
9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
10. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet. You want it hot - sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened - add a lot of water.
11. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
12. So you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.
13. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
14. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast). We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.
15. We don't do "hurry up" well.
16. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.
17. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream and carp. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
18. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 65 goes two ways - Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.
19. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want cream of wheat - go to Kansas. That would be I-40 West.
20. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.
21. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
22. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators -and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.
23. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot - his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.
24. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.
25. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature - all four of them enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.
You could go to a any Southern community and find a Lulu Roman, a Junior Samples, a Grand Pa Jones, the cute girls but not as much musical talent. As a kid removed from my native South those people were so believable to me.
breaded catfish
breaded fries
cheese grits
bread pudding and ice cream
Two Yankees were driving through Dixie on their way to spring break. While speeding through a small southern town, a local sheriff's deputy pulls them over. The officer walks up to the car, taps on the closed window with the butt of his flashlight, and waits.
When the driver finally gets around to rolling down the window, the officer smiles, politely asks for the driver's license and registration, checks for outstanding warrants, and finding none, proceeds to write the ticket. The driver mumbles and snatches the ticket out of the officer's hand.
Still smiling, the officer reaches in with his flashlight, and pops the driver on the side of the head.
"Hey, what the heck did you do that for?" exclaims the driver.
"Son, I notice by your license plate that you're a Yankee. This here is the South. When you get pulled over, you have your window rolled down waiting for me. When I talk to you, you address me as "Sir". When I write you a ticket, you smile and say "thank you, Sir". And if there's a reason to speak, there's reason to speak clearly and loud enough I can hear you. Now you go on and have yourself a nice day, ya hear?"
"Yes"
"Beg your pardon?"
"Yes, Sir."
"Much better."
Still smiling, the officer walks around the car to the passenger side. Tapping on the window, he motions for the passenger to roll it down. When the window is down, the officer reaches in with his flashlight and hits the passenger upside the head.
"Hey! What was that!?! I never said nothing!"
The officer replies "I'm just making wishes come true, son."
"Wishes come true? What are you talking about?"
"Well, son, I know that as soon as I leave here and you're back on the road, you're going to turn to your buddy here and say "damn, I wish he'd tried that flashlight crap with me!", so I'm just helping you out. Y'all have a nice day now."
Seems appropriate given the "jackass" comment, no? :-)
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