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If you visit the South, please keep the following in mind...
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Posted on 01/28/2004 11:34:37 AM PST by TheBigB

If you are going to live, or visit in the South, you need to know the rules. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rules of the Southerner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter a Southern State.

1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way.

3. The red dirt - it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color don't wash your car for a couple weeks - it'll be permanent.

4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for - bait.

7. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

8. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.

9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

10. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet. You want it hot - sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened - add a lot of water.

11. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

12. So you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.

13. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

14. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast). We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.

15. We don't do "hurry up" well.

16. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.

17. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream and carp. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

18. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 65 goes two ways - Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.

19. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want cream of wheat - go to Kansas. That would be I-40 West.

20. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.

21. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

22. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators -and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.

23. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot - his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.

24. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.

25. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature - all four of them enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.


TOPICS: Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: aretheyallthisrude; dixie; rudesoutherners; south; therudesouth; topten; tourism; yankeessuck; yanksareskanks
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To: SouthernFreebird
Preach on!
141 posted on 01/29/2004 7:00:03 AM PST by Axenolith (<tag>)
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To: KantianBurke
HERETIC!
142 posted on 01/29/2004 7:00:46 AM PST by Axenolith (<tag>)
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To: Axenolith
I've heard the ghost of Lucius Clay gets up and walks around ;)

I couldn't believe it...I just have to find out for myself.

143 posted on 01/29/2004 7:05:35 AM PST by TheBigB (I am Elmer J. Fudd, millionaire. I own a mansion and a yacht.)
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To: TheBigB
And I couldn't conceive it, I never would listen to nobody else
144 posted on 01/29/2004 7:10:28 AM PST by stainlessbanner
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To: stainlessbanner
Well, you know, there's some things in this world you just can't explain.
145 posted on 01/29/2004 7:14:04 AM PST by TheBigB (I am Elmer J. Fudd, millionaire. I own a mansion and a yacht.)
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To: sticker
I prefer my crappie with home fries.

Uh-huh, and with homemade hushpuppies, pickled green tomatoes with onions, and coleslaw.

146 posted on 01/29/2004 7:18:38 AM PST by LucyJo
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To: TheBigB; barker
That sounds like country folks in the midwest too.. Thanks for the laughs!

Barker, I thought you might enjoy this..
147 posted on 01/29/2004 7:23:29 AM PST by Freedom2specul8 (Please pray for our troops.... http://anyservicemember.navy.mil/)
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To: Palmetto
"If your last name is "Kerry," "Dean," or "Kucinich," and someone offers to take you fishing down by the creek, just you and him - politely decline. There are things in that swamp you haven't seen on any nature show."

And, if some nice feller invites you along on a snipe hunt, the above advice applies twofold (chuckle).
148 posted on 01/29/2004 7:30:28 AM PST by Darnright
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To: TheBigB
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for - bait.

Fly rods come in all weights, and catch more than trout.

23. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot - his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.

You might be a redneck if ...
Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass.

149 posted on 01/29/2004 7:40:54 AM PST by TroutStalker (Whip me, strip me, tie me, fly me -- catch & release)
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To: Johnny_Cipher; All
"...crappie hit VERY light on a baited hook. They might even hit from below on bait so that the only way you know you got a bite is that your line suddenly goes slack. The best way to fish for crappie is to keep the rod butt in your hand and feel for a strike - and you won't feel much. Set the hook if you feel any sort of tug at all or if the line goes slack."

Now you're makin' me wanta go fishin' worse than ever!! I love to fish for crappie, bass, bream, and catfish. Did y'all see the picture on Drudge's site of the 121 lb. catfish caught from the bank on the Texas side of Lake Texoma with a rod and reel? I'd like to have watched that! I saw a guy fight to land one that weighed twenty pounds or so one time. He was was fishing from the bank of the Arkansas river with a rod n' reel. I thought he would never get him in, and it was so much fun to watch that I couldn't have enjoyed it more unless I'd have done it myself. Don't know if my heart could have taken the excitement of haulin' in one 6 times that size! :-)

150 posted on 01/29/2004 7:48:01 AM PST by LucyJo
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To: TheBigB
There's oe thing I am having trouble figuring out: If all 25 statements are true, how do you explain Clinton (Arkansas), Gore (Tennessee), Carter (Georgia) and Edwards?
151 posted on 01/29/2004 7:48:51 AM PST by CharacterCounts
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To: CharacterCounts
Satanic anomalies.
152 posted on 01/29/2004 7:54:32 AM PST by TheBigB (I am Elmer J. Fudd, millionaire. I own a mansion and a yacht.)
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To: CharacterCounts
There's oe thing I am having trouble figuring out: If all 25 statements are true, how do you explain Clinton (Arkansas), Gore (Tennessee), Carter (Georgia) and Edwards?

scallywag

153 posted on 01/29/2004 7:56:03 AM PST by SouthernFreebird ( Go Panthers !)
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To: LucyJo
I've fished in salt water, brackish water, fresh water, lakes, and stock ponds out in the middle of nowhere. And I never saw anything like that monster blue Texas catfish you're talking about. The angler ended up donating it to Texas' "Share a Lunker" program if I recall correctly. They'll breed it and help make lots more catfish that will grow to be at least as big.
154 posted on 01/29/2004 7:57:12 AM PST by Johnny_Cipher (Miserable failure = http://www.michaelmoore.com/ sounds good to me!)
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To: KantianBurke
"The fish market's right down the street."

LOL! That sounds like my daughter.

155 posted on 01/29/2004 7:58:00 AM PST by LucyJo
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To: TheBigB
!!!!!!
156 posted on 01/29/2004 8:00:25 AM PST by stand watie (Resistance to tyrants is obedience to God. -T. Jefferson)
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To: oyez
Hee-Haw...loved that show. Funny as heck (well, I was a pre-teen then) and lots of cute women folk.
157 posted on 01/29/2004 8:18:29 AM PST by IYAS9YAS (Go Fast, Turn Left!)
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To: spodefly
I found someone who calls the noon-time meal "dinner." My Mom's family is originally from the south (way back). We've always done holiday dinners around noon. We also had supper. When I told my wife we were having Thanksgiving dinner at 1:00, she said, "That's lunch. Dinner is in the evening." I explained to her that's how we've always done it...
158 posted on 01/29/2004 8:23:10 AM PST by IYAS9YAS (Go Fast, Turn Left!)
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To: Johnny_Cipher
"They'll breed it and help make lots more catfish that will grow to be at least as big."

Lots of folks are dreamin' and anticipatin'...:-)

159 posted on 01/29/2004 8:35:53 AM PST by LucyJo
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To: TheBigB
I LOVE this! Thanks for sharing it!
160 posted on 01/29/2004 9:39:01 AM PST by snerkel (1 Peter 4:14 "...on their part He is evil spoken of, but on your part He is glorified.")
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