Posted on 01/28/2004 11:34:37 AM PST by TheBigB
If you are going to live, or visit in the South, you need to know the rules. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rules of the Southerner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter a Southern State.
1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. The red dirt - it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color don't wash your car for a couple weeks - it'll be permanent.
4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for - bait.
7. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
8. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.
9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
10. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet. You want it hot - sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened - add a lot of water.
11. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
12. So you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.
13. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
14. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast). We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.
15. We don't do "hurry up" well.
16. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.
17. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream and carp. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
18. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 65 goes two ways - Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.
19. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want cream of wheat - go to Kansas. That would be I-40 West.
20. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.
21. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
22. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators -and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.
23. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot - his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.
24. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.
25. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature - all four of them enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.
Just so you know.
Where oh where are you tonight?
Why did you leave me here all alone?
I searched the world over and I thought I'd found true love.
But you met another and PTHHP! you was gone.
Sorry, I saw gopher and picket fence. I couldn't resist.
You're all a bunch of damn yankees!
I cannot believe that in over 100 posts no one pointed out that in the South, Dinner is served at around noon. This should be "We eat Supper together with our families". Only a bunch of yankess would call supper, dinner.
:)
And when it turns green, we are fixin' to get ready to start decidin' to go when it reaches the shade of green we like, and it will probably be yellow again before we decide.
Hank
I thought that was I-80.
It's called "respect", and a damn fine number of our youth ain't learnin' none. I say it is time to get out the switch! (and I mean in the public schools)
I lived two years at the most Southern extreme of that state, Key West. The people there, except a select few, were worse than Yankees.
There's people worse than Yankees? ;-)
"(They beat the 14th Alabama like a rented mule on Little Round Top near Gettysburg instead)."
So, it's a joke. But not really.
Stay up north. WIth humor like yours, fatal car accidents are an exercise in cosmic humor.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.