The Empty Nest: Most Parents Don't Anticipate Stress When Adult Kids Move Back Home

Cheyenne Wyoming Tribune-Eagle ^ | 01-18-04 | Dynes, Michelle

[Theodore R.]

When birds return to the empty nest Most parents don't anticipate stress when adult kids move back home

By Michelle Dynes rep2@wyomingnews.com Published in the Wyoming Tribune-Eagle

CHEYENNE - Milestones of adulthood are usually defined as securing a full-time job, becoming financially independent, getting married and leaving the parents' home.

But more and more adults are finding themselves returning to the family nest, and often it isn't expected.

Meghan Breen never thought she'd be living with her parents again after becoming an adult. But gas leaks and an unreasonable landlord pushed Meghan, her husband, Jeff Wood, and their daughter Sophia, now 3, into a hotel. She said she called a lawyer, but because of a lack of landlord/tenant laws, all she was told was to "start packing."

After a week's worth of motel expenses, Meghan came back home.

"What alternative was there?" said Meghan's mother, Julie.

This was in the fall of 2002, and the couple is still in Meghan's old room.

It's been a frustrating journey. Wood said the couple is trying to get its bills paid off and save up to buy a home. They gave up on looking for another apartment after they failed to qualify for a number of housing programs. In other cases, the family would have to be on a waiting list for as long as three years.

"They're always in between," Julie said.

Wood said, "We're too rich to be poor and too poor to be rich."

He said the couple is hoping to move into a home of their own by spring, but "we can't really set a deadline."

Caring for the kids longer

Julie said she never thought she'd have children moving back home.

"But it's not what (Meghan) pictured either," she said.

Wood said his own brother and sister-in-law were faced with a similar situation when they first moved to Cheyenne. He said they couldn't find jobs or a home right away and spent a year and a half living with his father.

He said living with the in-laws can be awkward, but it's nothing that could have been planned.

Julie said Meghan is at least used to her parents' lifestyle. And her daughter loves to cook, which is a plus.

"I got used to just the two of us," she said. "I'm sure we all feel a little cramped once in awhile."

She said she understands the housing crunch in Cheyenne. With small, basement apartments renting for $400 to $500 a month, Julie said it's no wonder that more than half of a monthly income can go toward housing.

"(Wood) is making twice that much, and they're still struggling," she said.

Meghan's father, Nate, said, "It reflects the economy, the culture. It can't be blamed on any political party or president. It's just the state of things in the country."

He said even though job and housing markets are pushing kids back home, nobody wants to talk about it. He said the American Dream says that these young people should be able to support themselves, and it's a blow to that sense of pride when it doesn't work out that way.

"It's the idea that we've reached a certain age, we have a family, we should be independent, and instead we're dependent," he said. "It's a sense of failure."

The move back home

Meghan won't be the only one returning home. Many young adults move home to finish school or get emotional support after a divorce or failed relationship.

But the number one reason for moving home is to save money.

A weak economy and tight job market have left many college graduates and young professionals in a similar predicament. Young adults may be staying on with their parents until they find a good-paying job and get on their feet, said Gary Hampe, professor of sociology at the University of Wyoming.

A 2003 survey by Monstertrack.com, an online source of jobs and employment information, found that 60 percent of college seniors said they planned to move back in with their parents after graduation. The main reason for this move is financial, especially since 53 percent said they didn't expect to find a job after graduation.

Census numbers from 2003 show that nationally 25 percent of young adults between 18 and 34 live with their parents. The numbers are even higher for adults in the 18 to 24 age group at 56 percent for men and 43 percent for women.

Hampe said the definition of adulthood beginning at the age of 18 has become fuzzy. While legally a person may be considered an adult at 18, Hampe said parents might need to co-sign car loans and help with a down payment for a first home.

"The period of adolescence has extended through college and beyond," he said.

Part of the reason is jobs don't pay a great deal in the beginning, meaning adults stay at home longer. Hampe said in some cases, students wouldn't be able to go to college at all without parental support.

In terms of drugs and sex, kids may seem to be growing up faster than ever, he said. But what a person can actually do at age 18 has changed.

This isn't the first time the definition of adulthood has been modified. Hampe said in the 1800s, a person in the eighth grade was considered an adult. He said that was the age for someone to enter the manufacturing sector and start earning money for the family. By 18 to 21, these young entrepreneurs would have married and set up a household of their own.

Setting up a house these days is a great deal more expensive.

"A good, single lifestyle is costly," Hampe said.

But multi-generations living under one roof are common worldwide. Young adults across Europe are living home longer because of rising housing and education costs in addition to cuts in state support.

A 2002 Datamonitor survey found that in Sweden, 46 percent of adults 18-24 still live at home. In the United Kingdom and France, it's 57 percent. Sixty percent of young adults still live at home in Germany, and the numbers are even higher in Spain and Italy at 94 and 95 percent, respectively.

Additional education

In America, young adults are always looking for a way out of the parents' basement. And in bad economic times, Hampe said, more and more people go back to school for another degree or more job training to pay for a lifestyle separate from the parents.

To shorten the time it takes to get new skills, schools such as Laramie County Community College offer a variety of credit and non-credit courses. While the Business Training and Workforce Development Department offers customized training for businesses, many classes are now offered for open enrollment.

A couple of grants from the Wyoming Department of Workforce Services have enabled some classes to be offered free to qualified applicants. One of these programs is the Certified Customer Service Specialist program, said Loree Hart, business training and development coordinator at LCCC. This program focuses on resume preparation, dressing for success, customer service, interpersonal communication and job interview skills. Hart said these are all skills that are in demand.

"It's perfect for people who are struggling," she said.

Another grant program offered this semester is Frontline Supervisor. Hart said this program offers employers a free training tool to turn employees into supervisors. She said this also is ideal for people living at home who need that promotion and better paycheck to get out on their own.

Other classes include welding and software education, all ways to get the "immediate skills for a better job."

Wood said he understands that having additional education can mean a bigger paycheck. And despite the hectic moves, he's still been able to continue taking classes.

He said he's about to finish up his education with computer information systems, hopefully putting his family on the fast track to owning their own home.

[Theodore R.]

Rush Limbaugh addressed this very question on his radio program last week.

[Howie66]

I don't know about anyone else, but I'm willing to give being an "empty-nester" a shot.

[stylin19a]

My 28 year old daughter came back to the roost in August, after spending 2 years getting her Masters Degree.
I think she came back because of Rodney's commencment speech in "Back to School"

There was a bit of tension, but that's been talked out and things are cool. Besides, we told her that the payback is when my wife and I are dribbling tapioca on our chins, she has to build us a guest cottage on her property(ifn when she gets it) and look in on us from time to time.

[Benjo]

Multi-generational families living together have been the norm for most of human history. It's the United States that's the exception.

[Humidston]

As much as I dislike his politics, I remember a Bill Cosby show years ago when the son wanted to be independent. Cosby took everything out of the kid's room and then he started listing ALL the expenses the son would have to pay in order to be out on his own. By the time he'd finished the son realized just how expensive it was to be independent .

Clearly many factors at play here, but I think the biggest factors are:
1. Over-expectations.
2. Immaturity
3. High taxes

As a parent, my rule was IF YOU'RE IN SCHOOL, YOU MAY STAY FREE. IF YOU HAVE A JOB AND WANT TO LIVE AT HOME, YOU WILL PAY RENT. AND BOARD.

[Swanks]

I worked for a guy who, went the last kid moved out, sold the home and moded into a boat. No room for the kiddies, in a motor-home-in-the-water.

[the gillman@blacklagoon.com]

...She said she called a lawyer, but because of a lack of landlord/tenant laws, all she was told was to "start packing."...

This sounds like a nice place, to me.

I'll have to check out the property values.

[monocle]

The generation of the kids moving back to the empty nest is the same generation complaining about Social Security and Medicare. I find this exceptionally humorous even though I think Social Security and Medicare were ill-conceived and poorly executed.

[CTOCS]

Basement apt's go for $500 per month but the husband makes twice that?

That's a whopping $12K per year! What's he do, sweep streets or flip burgers?

Who in their right mind would think of having a kid on $12K per year?

Hate to sound callous, but that's reality.

[CTOCS]

Basement apt's go for $500 per month but the husband makes twice that?

That's a whopping $12K per year! What's he do, sweep streets or flip burgers?

Who in their right mind would think of having a kid on $12K per year?

Hate to sound callous, but that's reality.

[bjcintennessee]

My routine has been disrupted so many times over the past 9 or so years that I know longer know what my "routine" is.

First our daughter went to college, then got married. A year or two later our son moved into an apartment.

Wow! Empty nest! It was great, but it didn't last.

Daughter got divorced and moved back home with my then, 4-yr-old granddaughter. A year later, our son broke up with his fiance and moved back home.

But the biggest adjustment of all was when my husband retired - LOL!

Now, son's in the Navy, daughter and granddaughter bought a house two doors up the street (after living here for 4 yrs. and saving her money)

Husband's still retired, and we are really enjoying the "empty nest".

(That will change yet again when our son gets out of the military in two years.

Bottom line -- though I might have preferred somewhat different paths, I've been blessed!

[freeangel]

"jobs don't pay a great deal in the beginning"

Except for that short time for tech and business, no jobs ever payed a great deal in the beginning. We lived in a tenement building in a not so nice section of town while we were at poverty level and then moved ourselves up to a one bedroom "modern" apartment in a better section of town for 5 years while we saved enough to get in and make payments on an FHA small starter home. Empty nesters deserve their kids back when they haven't taught them self sufficiency and how to get by without all the bells and whistles.

[the gillman@blacklagoon.com]

From Cheyenne listings.

Here's a duplex for 99 grand. If he pays list price, his payment is app. $532 for his first mortgage. He finagles a second mortgage for ten grand, for five years, at 10% or $194.

That's $726 a month in mortgages. Plus we'll tack on two hundred more for good measure.Say a thouand a month.

He owns the place.

If even a crummy basement apartment gets five hundred bucks, he's only paying five hundred a month out of his pocket.

If he can get more $500 rent, or haggle down the price, or bum some down payment off family or friends, He's doing way better.

If he works and improves the place, even better.

[Cagey]

A Catholic Priest, a Protestant Minister and a Rabbi are discussing the question of: "When does life begin."

"Without any doubt" says the Priest, "Life begins at the moment of conception, when the sperm meets the egg."

"No, no!" says the Protestant Minister. "Life begins at the moment of birth, when the baby emerges."

"No way," says the Rabbi. "Life begins when the last kid moves out, and the dog dies."

[Publius6961]

It's been a frustrating journey. Wood said the couple is trying to get its bills paid off and save up to buy a home. They gave up on looking for another apartment after they failed to qualify for a number of housing programs. In other cases, the family would have to be on a waiting list for as long as three years.

Of course it's frustrating. Meghan and Jeff's ages are not given but they are symptomatic of the general malaise. They started "planning" only after finding themselves in the midst of a crisis. Thirty-somethings going on 12. Indulging themselves in everything they "deserved", in an atmosphere where deferred indulgence is a foreign, even alien concept.

Waiting to get on a waiting list of "housing programs"? This says it all. They are the classic "nanny government owes me mentality" and the easy alternative is the real mom and daddy, who failed utterly and miserably to give them responsible wings.

Sympathy here on the "loser meter" is about a -6.

[Hildy]

But they'd have to come up with 10K for down and extra costs.

[Theodore R.]

Who was it that said the purpose of parents is to give children (1) roots and (2) wings? Maybe Emerson, Longfellow, or Lowell?

[Tax-chick]

How about moving somewhere with reasonable housing costs and better jobs, not to mention sensible weather? Why would anyone choose to live in poverty in Cheyenne, WY? Even the professional homeless go south for the winter!

[Theodore R.]

Yea, but this kind of "dependence" is not what we might expect from the INDEPENDENT-MINDED westerners.

[Little Bill]

I believe Howie calls these people LOOOOOOOOOSERs, apt.