Posted on 01/08/2004 3:03:49 PM PST by Barnacle
A family in Amneston has a new arrival. But, he didn’t arrive here by stork.
The Barnacle News Network dispatched its Senior Correspondent to the scene to bring you this live interview with the happy new mother.
Hello Mrs. Lemming. Thank you for allowing my crew and me to visit your home for this exclusive interview. You have a fascinating story and people are anxious to hear it. Please start from the beginning.
“Well, It all started when we went on an extended overseas trip. What happened while we were away has changed our lives forever.”
Really? Please tell us.
“Well, my husband is part of an international traveling team you know. They won two championship playoffs in the last two years. Perhaps you heard of him?”
I’m afraid I really don’t follow sports.
“Anyway, we were returning home after being out of the country for a long time and as we were driving down the street toward our house we could see the lights were on and there were a dozen or so cars parked in front. Music was blaring out the windows and there were strange people everywhere.”
My goodness. What did you do?
“We went to our neighbor’s to call the police.”
Yes, of course... And, did they come?
“Well, no. We never did actually call. Our neighbor explained that was unnecessary because it was just Juan having some of his friends over.”
Juan?
“Yes. Juan, our son.”
Oh… But, Juan wasn’t your son at that time. Was he?
“Oh, heavens no! Don’t be silly. Juan was a burglar. At least he used to be a burglar. But, he stopped doing that now.”
Mrs. Lemming, I’m a little confused.
“Well you see, one night Juan was going down our street looking for the very best house. That’s when he chose ours. We feel very special about that.”
I’m sure you do.
“Anyway, he worked so hard packing all our things that he got thirsty. That’s when he found the “cerveza fría” in the refrigerator. “Cerveza fría” is what Juan likes to call cold beer. Isn’t that adorable?”
Ahh, yes I suppose it is. Then what happened?
“Oh yes. Well, the next morning he woke up on den floor and he felt just terrible! His little head was pounding and he had vomited all over. He just wasn’t up to loading our valuables into his car. The poor thing had to sleep it off and sit a while in his Jacuzzi.”
“His” Jacuzzi?
“Yes. Well, it’s his Jacuzzi now. After all, he enjoys it so much we decided to give him the master bedroom.”
Really? Back to the story. What happened next?
“Well, after hours of soul searching in his Jacuzzi, Juan decided to turnover a new leaf and go straight. Isn’t that wonderful? So, he unpacked all of our precious belongings and put them all back…well most of them, except for a few small things like jewelry… sniff… that I seldom wore anyway…. Whimper.”
Mrs. Lemming, would you like us to continue this another time?
“No, no. I’ll be all right... Then, he brought his every earthly possession to our house as an expression of atonement for his past transgressions against society. - That’s how our social worker explains it.
“Then, as he was leaving our house for what might have been the last time, he noticed the grass was getting long. So, he took it upon himself to cut it. Juan says that was a very hot day and he got very thirsty. Luckily, he noticed our party refrigerator in the garage. Anyway, by the time he quenched his thirst, he was developing a real emotional attachment for our home and he decided to stay another night.”
But, what about you neighbors, couldn’t they see that someone was living in you house?
“Of course they saw him. That’s how Juan started cutting their lawns too. Over the course of the following weeks, Juan had become quite popular in the neighborhood.”
You mean to say he broke into you house and was living there and no one called the police?
“Heavens no! Well… there were a few times people threatened to call. You know… like when his parties got out of hand or, the time there was a shooting. But, Juan always made amends by trimming hedges or cleaning out gutters as a way to express repentance.”
By shooting, you don’t mean gunfire…
“Oh yes, it was real gunfire. You can just imagine how shocked we were to hear about that. We never allow guns in the house. But, as Juan explained, it was just an accident that happened when one of Juan’s friends found the gun and thought it was a toy. And, the three boys weren’t badly hurt. Juan said one of his friends took care of them. What a dear.”
Then, those stains on the carpeting are…?
“Yes, that’s blood. But, it’s not a problem. Juan’s friends are in the carpet business. They are going to clean every rug in the house for us. They’ve been here several times to collect other carpets, but they always forget to take this one. “El mañana” they always say, “El mañana!” Do you know what that means?”
I’m afraid not. Now, you already had children before Juan didn’t you?
“Why yes. We already had two. And, we would have even more, but with all the troubles in the world like global warming, and the shift in the Earth’s magnetic field and the plight of the kangaroo rat, not to mention the hydrothermal vents on the ocean floor with tube worms, and asteroids flinging through our solar system! We said, “Enough kids.” We decided that as good citizens of the world community that abortion was the moral solution.”
I see.
“Did you know that Yellowstone National Park can erupt at any moment and the Federal Government won’t do a thing about it? I mean really! The least they could do is pour some ice cubes down Old Faithful. Don’t you think?”
I don’t know about that. But, if you decided on no more children, why did you adopt Juan?
“Oh, having Juan as a son is so different. There are no baby bottles or messy diapers filling up our planet’s landfills and destroying our ozone layer. And, Juan does a much better job on the lawn than a baby ever could.”
I see. And the children who’ve survived your decision making process, how are they adjusting to their new brother?
“Oh! It’s been a wonderful cultural experience for them. They now speak fluent Spanish with Juan. And, they describe the whole thing as, “awesome” and as a “mind expanding adventure”. They’ve said a lot more about it, but I don’t understand Spanish. Actually we don’t see much of them around here anymore. They have so many new friends now.”
So Juan speaks Spanish, and you don’t. Have you ever considered asking Juan to learn English?
“Oh yes, we bought the very best English language program money can buy. It has books and tapes, and even a computer program. But, one morning, when Juan came down for breakfast, he looked at it and said, “Yo no entiendo!” That’s his little way of telling us he doesn’t understand.”
Really? So, you just dropped it?
“Heavens no! We hired a tutor for him and Juan liked that a lot. But, she stopped returning our phone calls.”
That’s nice. So, tell me, who are all those people in your living room?
“Oh, they’re Juan’s extended family. Most of them arrived last month. They want us to adopt them too. But, George says, “No more kids. Enough is enough!” He’s really put his foot down this time. So, they’re just guests.”
Could I meet Juan?
“I don’t see why not. Juan? Honey? Would you come here por favor? - That means, “please” in Spanish. He likes when I do that”
Hello Juan. I’m a reporter from the Barnacle News Network. Your mother was just saying….
“Yo no entiendo! ¿Por qué no puedo encontrar yo una cerveza fría por aquí?”
“Oops. Sorry Juan. – He does like his beer ice cold.”
“Apure más rápido!”
“Sí Juan. Si! – Sir, I should be going now. It was so nice of you to stop by.”
But Mrs. Lemming, I only have a few more quest…
“Muévalo dama! Vayamos!”
“Sí Juan. Si! - Oh sir, I really should be going. The guests get so excited when Juan gets like this. And, he’s is a little nervous right now about hosting the MEChA club here tonight.”
MEChA? What is that?
“Oh it’s a club for geniuses or something like that. I really don’t understand. As Juan always says, “Dama, you no mention MEChA.” He calls me dama. That’s “Lady” in Spanish. Isn’t that sweet?”
It certainly is. Now, if I could just ask you one more….
“Muévalo dama! La corrida de toros es casi sobre!”
“Si Juan! Adiós Señor.”
…Good bye.
And, so there you have it. One big happy family living the American dream right here in Amneston.
| Rank | Location | Receipts | Donors/Avg | Freepers/Avg | Monthlies | |||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 49 | Hawaii | 40.00 |
2 |
20.00 |
44 |
0.91 |
45.00 |
3 |
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Hmmm....good one!
“Oh it’s a club for geniuses or something like that. I really don’t understand. As Juan always says, “Dama, you no mention MEChA.” He calls me dama. That’s “Lady” in Spanish. Isn’t that sweet?”
LOL. That's hilarious Barnacle. Brings out the Insanity of the Upside/Down world in live in today. Good Work.
Spanish??? I'm still learning English. Might get around to that language around 2525, if I'm still alive.
What ever do you mean by that?
?;^T
Thanks WR, I'm glad you got a chuckle.
Excellent!
The official symbol of this organization shall be the eagle with its wings spread, bearing a macahuittle in one claw and a dynamite stick in the other with the lighted fuse in its beak. The acronym MEChA shall be above the symbol with the phrase "La Union Hace La Fuerza" below.
"Everything for the race. Everything outside the race, nothing."
This is what the MEChA Constitution says (Article II, section 1):
Section 1. National MEChA outlines the following organizational objectives: A) To strive for educational, cultural, economical, political, and social empowerment within the Chicano community in order to liberate nuestra gente;=[our people]
Section 20. MEChA Regions: A) The Regional Committee involves both logistic planning and information distribution within its region receiving direction from the voting campuses. B) National MEChA recognizes the regions defined by states.
Section 3.
At the MEChA National Conference, steps will be taken to establish ties among the MEChA chapters in the spirit of Aztlan. The purpose of the National is to create a vibrant and responsive network of Chicano and Chicana activists who will respond as a unit against oppression and racism and will work in harmony when initiating and carrying out campaigns and liberation for our people.
Adopted on April 9,1995 at the 1995 MEChA National Conference Hosted by MEChA at the University of California - Berkeley
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