IowaHawk -- Gore Files Suit In Lotto Dispute

IowaHawk ^ | 1/8/04 | IowaHawk

[FormerACLUmember]

Cleveland OH - A lawsuit over ownership of the winning ticket in the Dec. 30 Mega Millions lottery was thrown into further uncertainty today, as former US Vice President Al Gore filed a civil suit seeking a share of the $162 million jackpot.

Filed this afternoon in Federal District Court, the suit names official winner Rebecca Jemison, litigant Elicia Battle, Lotto Ticket Systems, Inc., the State of Ohio, Ohio State mascot Brutus the Buckeye, store clerk Dipankhar Ghosh and Antonin Scalia as co-defendants. It seeks $81 million in economic damages, a "late model Dodge Stratus," unspecified pain and suffering awards, and presidency of Iraq.

"Irrespective of what the so-called ping pong balls say, the real winner was robbed," said Gore spokesman Chris Lehane.

While Gore's ticket matched on three of the winning numbers, entitling him to a $10 cash prize an a complementary 32 ounce Big Gulp, Lehane said Gore was entitled to a share of the jackpot because of "confusing ballot instructions and long lines at the register."

"Due to the ballot design Mr. Gore transposed '23' as '32'," he explained. "Plus, a honking car at pump six made him lose track of Tipper's birthdate and the number of times Al Jr. has been busted."

"The will of the people has been thwarted," said Lehane. "I can't even begin to tell you how many times he told me, and I quote, 'I am going to pick the winning ticket.'"

[FormerACLUmember]

I of course choked as I read this. Benchmark time for the IowaHawk's new blog.

[Support Free Republic]

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[PA Engineer]

LOL. Like it.

[untenured]

Laugh-out-loud excellent.

I'm glad to see IH has a blog. It's now essential reading every AM.

[jigsaw]

LOL Bump!

[Lancey Howard]

bttt

[U S Army EOD]

He invented the Lotto and deserves the money.

[WinOne4TheGipper]

ROFLMAO!

[FormerACLUmember]

One of my many IowaHawk favorites:
Why I Am a Democrat

I sometimes hear the question, "Why are you a Democrat?" and frankly, I have to laugh. Laugh and laugh, because perhaps this person may tire of my laughing, and he will eventually wander off. Sometimes I ponder seriously when I hear this question, because I'll look around and around and there's nobody there asking the question. Why am I a Democrat?

I am a Democrat because I believe everyone deserves a chance. And if necessary, a second chance. And if, by the eighth or ninth chance, this guy needs another chance, I mean, come on. This guy is due.

I am a Democrat because I believe in helping those in need. All of us, you and I, have an obligation to those less fortunate. You go first, okay? I'm a little short this week.

I am a Democrat because I believe in the equality of all people, regardless of their race. That is why I think we should give free medical degrees to minorities because, well, duh. Like any of those types are going to make it through medical school.

I am a Democrat because I fervently believe in tolerance. Tolerance is critical in our diverse society, and if you have a problem with that, mister, then I will inform the authorities and I bet that after a few hours in their "special room" you too will agree that tolerance is critical.

I am a Democrat because I believe that we should take our noses out of other people's bedrooms. I say we move the noses to their banks and storage sheds and scout troops, and so forth.

I am a Democrat because I hold sacred freedom of the press, as well as freedom of the TV and freedom of the movie. Where I draw the line is freedom of the talk radio, and don't even get me started about that damn Internet business.

I am a Democrat because I recognize that education is important. Very, very, extremely very important. We must increase spending on education and enact important education reforms, such as eliminating standardized tests. Because we can never hope to measure this beautiful, elusive, important thing we call education.

I am a Democrat because I believe in the separation of church and state. We must stop the religious extremists who want school-sanctioned prayers. Now, you tell me - with all that chanting and praying and incense-burning going on, how can our kids concentrate on the big condom-and-banana midterm?

I am a Democrat because I believe in the rights of women, be they lawyers or housewives or skanky interns. For too long women have been the victims of discrimination, and we must target programs to help these women, and also the various people who have descended from women.

I am a Democrat because I believe in women's right to choose. I mean, not a church school or a tax shelter, or something like that, obviously. Let's be reasonable.

I am a Democrat because I believe in the rule of law. Or, at least, lawyers. Because hey, according to my attorney, I could have been on the Number 7 bus when it crashed yesterday. As far as you know.

I am a Democrat because I believe a healthy economy depends on good jobs at good wages. So fork 'em over, you fat bastard boss man.

I am a Democrat because I believe the government should step in to create good jobs when that fat bastard boss man moves my good job to Mexico. Hey, I know! Maybe we can take all the money that boss man spends on non-job-creating stuff, like solid gold yachts and mink spats, and use that money to create jobs.

I am a Democrat because I fear the power of giant unrestrained monopolies, such as Microsoft, Nike, Parker Brothers, Univac and the Erie Canal Company. The government must wage an unrelenting, all-out war to crush these scary monopolies to a pulp before they get too powerful.

I am a Democrat because I believe in a strong military. Strong, yes, but caring and thoughtful too, and ready to face new challenges. A military that enjoys long strolls on the beach, cuddling in front of a warm fire, unafraid to show its vulnerable side. Must be NS/DDF.

I am a Democrat because I believe there is too much violence in society, especially in our schools. To avoid another Columbine tragedy, we should have mellow "rap" sessions with at-risk teens, such as the Goths. The violence will only end after the teen Goths see that we adults really care, and are "hip" to their groovy teen Goth scene.

I am a Democrat because I believe in campaign finance reform. Sadly, our politics are dominated by advertisements, paid for by the contributions of giant corporations. All too often, these drown out legitimate grassroots opinions, like the kind heard on TimeWarner-AOL-CNN, TimesCorp, or Disney-ABC.

I am a Democrat because I believe in public support of the arts. By "the arts," I of course mean those things made by, or excreted by, an artist of some sort. It is especially important that art be provocative and take controversial stances, like opposing Jesse Helms, and so on.

I am a Democrat because I believe in the environment and conservation. For instance, we must raise the price of gasoline, like they do in Europe, to increase conservation. If we don't, there will soon be a big gas shortage, and this will mean higher gasoline prices for you and me.

I am a Democrat because I detest greed. Especially the sickening greed of those who struck it rich in the 1980s, and greedily refuse to give me any of their stuff.

I am a Democrat because I... hey look! A new episode of Survivor! Geez, I hope they don't vote off Jenna, she's my favorite.

[MHGinTN]

As I understand it, Al Goreghoul 'meant' to punch cewrtain numbers, so he should be allowed to have the numbers punched for him, after-the-fact, to be fair don'tcha know!

[secret garden]

1-2-ping-a-roo to my fellow night owl classmates. This guy is hilarious, every time!

[Nick Thimmesch]

Numerology: rules.

[U S Army EOD]

Democrats treat the symptons and Republicans cure the disease, this is where the true differnce lies.

[ladyinred]

ROTFL! Funny, this morning I was going through old videos and found a bunch of them from election night. I relived the horror of waiting for him to concede on election night when suddenly his campaign creepo came out and said it ain't over. I saw hanging chads again, and his stupid speeches about wanting all of the votes to count.
I would not be at all surprised to see that slime enter this lawsuit! :-)

[Cultural Jihad]

Kudos for IowaHawk!

[arly]

This is Great!...

[TheErnFormerlyKnownAsBig]

He did not invent the LOTTO. He invented numbers, bingo balls and the giant sucking machine that succulates the balls up into the trap when they draw the numbers.

Oh and he invented Ohio also.

[TheErnFormerlyKnownAsBig]

By Iowahawk standards this is just merely good. Scumbaggio was great.

[U S Army EOD]

I would like to know the a--hole who claims the credit for inventing him. That is when the problems all started. Although this thing is a joke, it is sadly believable.

[TheErnFormerlyKnownAsBig]

That's easy. Armand Hammer invented his Daddy so it must be Armand Hammer
s fault.