Ways To Annoy Osama Bin Laden
Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.
Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?"
Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.
Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.
Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.
Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping.
Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.
Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the City" for weeks.
Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.
Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the Mohammed Rafi.
Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.
Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.
Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you'll get to "kick his butt every day for eternity".
Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden".
Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.
Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.
Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.
Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.
Tell him that this is the worst pyjama party you've ever attended.
Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.
Complement him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.
Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.
Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.
Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad.
Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!"
Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.
Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind."
Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they've ever thought of modeling.
Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie". If there's actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".*
Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels.
Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.
When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"