I am a Liberal
I am pro-life, so long as it's the life of Mumai Abu Jamal or Palestinian terrorists. I could care less about it while it's still in the womb or on board an Israeli school bus; which is also why I'm anti-death penalty, and pro-welfare. It doesn't matter to me that women of color, and little black and brown babies are overwhelmingly targeted by abortionists, for I am a White elitist and I truly know what is best for them.
Women of affluence will still be able to obtain abortions in other countries - and we should always follow the lead of foreign elites in determining our laws. It doesn't matter to me that both child and mother are exploited by unscrupulous "doctors", so long as my broker knows how I can share in the profits. I believe in an ideal world, and people should be having sex even if they can't deal with the consequences.
I support the Second Amendment, so long as it is disregarded by the courts. I don't care if we have already had a number of well-regulated militias, because I loathe those as well. Guns don't kill people; the evil Bushitler system does. And often they use guns to do this. I don't want the government to tell me what type of weapon it can have, especially if these are good at killing revolutionaries and terrorists, which is why I belong to any number of groups who seek to ban cluster-bombs and all other effective US weapons. I don't need armor-piercing rounds to defend myself against some of those pesky armor-wearing law enforcement types, I have the Ninth Circuit for that. I should be able to buy a Howitzer if I want to donate it to the Iraqi resistance. I don't want the government to check my background - they might find that I send part of my stock dividends to Hezbollah.
I believe in the War on Drugs, just like Jesse Jackson. I think a silly slogan - "Just say no" - goes a long way in preventing kids from using drugs, for my entire worldview is founded on silly slogans, such as "no blood for oil!." It doesn't matter to me that the War makes the drugs thousands of times more profitable, for many of my friends worked their way through school in that business. I remember that during the 1920's, during Prohibition, there were Gangs and drive-bys and underground "labs" and corrupt police and officials, it was wonderful and provided a pantheon of pop-culture rebel icons like Bonnie and Clyde. I support rehabilitation; for it provides social science grads with power and secure income. As I said before, I am an idealist.
I am pro-welfare. As long as it is supervised by bureaucrats who have been carefully brainwashed in Left-wing universities. If it goes to lazy individuals who got laid off, then I'm especially for it because they remember us at the ballot box. There are not enough many people taking advantage of the system. No, not in the Corporations, I mean the welfare people.
I don't care if you are lazy and rich, like Barbra Streiand, I only care if you are lazy and poor. I don't care if the crime rate will go down if people have incentive to work and stay sober. I have a gun, like most liberal hypocrites. Until they steal it from me because I so responsibly leave it out for burglars. I am a thoughtful person, at heart.
I believe that freedom of religion is one of the things that make this country great, except when it challenges my ideology or threatens ad revenue. I believe it is my duty to save all of you from superstition, except Muslims and New-Agers, of course. Even if this interferes with your religious freedom.
While I care so much for your money- I could care less about any other part of you. I don't want my tax dollars going to help the country, but I don’t mind if they are used in public institutions to help "educate" the masses, so long as this is done according to NEA guidelines and I get my share of union dues. I don't care if Jesus wanted to help the poor and the meek, his followers don't know how to get on the bandwagon that is my only hope for real status. I only look at the parts of the Bible that benefit me personally, and use them to encourage pacifism and surrender, for others.
I don't care about the environment, except as a rhetorical device for frightening the brainless masses into giving me power. I will disregard the scientific evidence, because it is not ideologically convenient, and the media don't need it anyway. Besides, I will be dead before the consequences affect me. My children are good Republicans, they hate my guts in spite of their trust-funds.
Even though I believe in evolution, I don't believe in competition or survival of the fittest. It doesn't matter to me that the only reason not to regulate companies involved in environmental abuse is that they pay protection money to GreenPeace and the Sierra Club.
I believe that tax cuts – especially for the most wealthy - will stimulate the economy and are therefore a solid danger to my agenda. I believe that fleecing corporations and wealthy individuals is good for the Revolution. It doesn't matter that if the profit projections are low, or the shareholders are unhappy, that layoffs will occur; the unemployed masses are critical to our success. It doesn't bother me that CEO's will cut jobs before they cut their salary, since CEO's like George Soros and Ted Turner are crucial contributors to liberal causes. We earned it, just look at the revival of Stalinism in the anti-war movement. It doesn't bother me that you can have your pay reduced, or can be fired if you are not performing, but I can’t.
I believe that the wealthy typically accumulate wealth through continuous investment, and rarely spend the way the middle class does. This holding of assets freezes that wealth into not performing, as though it were buried under my hot tub, right? The wealth disparity in this country doesn't bother me, because I can exaggerate it any time I like and the media will play along. We all have the same opportunities for activism, right?
I am tired of immigrants coming to this country and taking our jobs. Unemployed immigrants would be much more useful, especially if they can vote and swell the ranks of welfare bureaucrats. I know a lot of hard-working lettuce pickers who would prefer to be on welfare. After all, I know what is best for them.
It doesn't bother me that our corporations are shipping our jobs to other countries for cheaper labor and to avoid labor regulations. I'm tired of paying taxes, which is why I hope to soak the rich and the middle class for a bigger share of the burden. I sympathize with those who need the votes of immigrant workers who must stay undocumented. They don't have to pay taxes, either, so there is less swill in the trough! I cannot sympathize with corporations who profit in this country but operate assets offshore, since this strengthens the global economy and makes our position harder to sell.
I encourage minorities to whine. If they realized that they have the same opportunities as every one else, we would lose our power base. I don't want more educated minorities to have more opportunities, which is why I support skewed test results and other dis-incentives to perform. I don't care if they underwent, or still undergo a variety of racial prejudices and injustices, that is what keeps my ideology in business and we must maintain it at any cost. That was in the past; but we must preserve and incite it for the future.
I don't want to hear anymore pinko-socialist garbage, which is why I support only high-quality agitprop like NPR or the New York Times. It doesn't matter to me that the military is provided to me by the contributions of all taxpayers, and defends me as it defends all, I hate it anyway. I don't care if the Interstate Highway System was built in this manner as well, peasants don't need to drive. Or law enforcement or any other number of public institutions, those are services, rather than production and government funding for them does not advance the goals of socialism. I could care less about Social Security and its horrible return on investment, higher taxes can make up the shortfall. My publicly funded pension will be there for me whether I need it or not. Hopefully.
I believe in a strong military for Revoutionary regimes but not for us. I don't believe in our right to pre-emptively defend ourselves, as, for example when we shot down Japanese planes before they had bombed their targets, or shelled German tanks before they started to advance. The great FDR waited until the Japanese invaded Santa Barbara, right? I'll make an exception when when the country proves to be a real threat and isn't preemptively attacked, like North Korea. I believe that this military is composed exclusively of volunteer minorities and rural poor whites, and I know what is best for them. That way, I can gloat about my social superiority while pretending otherwise.
I believe dying for partisan advantage is a worthwhile use for our minority and poor soldiers, so I support the Iraqi resistance and make excuses for terrorists. I don’t care if our leaders were able to obtain deferments in past wars, and children of affluence will be able to do the same for the next war. Clinton was a draft-dodger and a liberal icon, and Bush wagged the dog in Iraq. President Bush served in the Air National Guard which, my professors assure me, is nothing but a social club with no military significance. Nor can it be proved that he went AWOL, but that doesn't stop us accusing him of it, even though we lionize others who deserted during the Vietnam War.
He is not wagging the dog in regards to the Iraq situation for political or financial profit for his associates in the energy industry. Or the defense industry. But I will say so anyway, so long as anyone is stupid enough to believe it. Speaking of which, I do not care whether a missile shield has actually proven unreliable, I will make the claim anyway. Vulnerability to enemy nukes will help us intimidate our opposition and gain support for more foreign aid. We don't need it to defend ourselves against terrorists, even if the threat is real.
I believe that our moral decay, and almost all of today's problems, can be traced back to one man - Bill Clinton- and I rejoice in that. He was elected: twice, proving the power of style over substance and heartening status-seekers and media elitists everywhere.
It doesn't matter to me that 50% of our nation's marriages end up in divorce, a high percentage due to infidelity, we must have more so we can replace the family with our own power. It doesn't matter that almost all politicians lie to various degrees, it matters only when Republicans do it. They shouldn't be lying about their personal lives, unless they are Liberals like the Kennedys, in which case it is none of our business. Keep the lying in the realm of policy and issues, as I do, thank you very much.
I will credit the Democratic Congress and former Democratic Presidents for various achievements when it is convenient, but I will conveniently forget that Truman dropped the atomic bombs or that JFK hated Leftists and tried to kill my hero, Castro. The Republicans hold the blame for everything, especially for letting me run around loose.
I am a Liberal, and have learned to hate what it means to be an American.