Posted on 12/31/2003 8:58:49 PM PST by Killborn
As a New Year dawns, no doubt many of us are now making New Year's resolutions. So to bid adieu to the old year, here is a compilation of some resolutions by famous (or infamous) people.
First off is the President of the United States and members of his Administration.
President George Walker Bush: I resolve to hunt down and destroy terror wherever it surfaces and find more ways to look cool in military uniforms.
Vice President Richard Cheney: I should get out of my undisclosed hiding location more. I'm starting to grow roots. I also resolve to investigate the weird noises coming from the floor.
The Honorable Donald Rumsfeld: As a Secretary of Defense, as soon as our troops capture bin Laden, I promise to change our motto from E Pluribus Unum to Kakkate Koi! (Bring it on!).
Secretary of State Colin Powell: Hmm. All this sand is getting in my ears. I should pull my head out of the ground.
Head of the Department of Homeland Security Thomas Ridge: The old Security Alert colors aren't vibrant enough. I'm getting more Skittles…
Next up are the nine Democratic Presidential Candidates whose likelihood of winning is in between slim and the snowball's chance.
Dr. Howard Dean: I vow to fool more sheeple into thinking I'm centrist.
Senator John Kerry: I want to change my image so I look more like a horse rather than its behind.
General Wesley Clark: I resolve to be even more Clintonoid.
Senator Joseph Lieberman: I'm going to kick that SOB Gore in the nuts.
The Other 5: We-
Well enough about that. Oh wait, looks like Gen. Clark and Sen. Kerry want to add a little something to finish off this segment.
Kerry: Don't forget, I'm a f****** Vietnam vet!
Clark: Look at my four stars! Isn't that the s***?! Remember that I'm a General!
Gentlemen, there are children who read this column. Please censor yourself next time.
Moving on are the politicians, the men and women who are in an endless pursuit to find a problem and exacerbate it tenfold while taking taxpayer money.
Mister Universe and the Governator of the State of California, Arnold Schwarznegger: I will turn California into the greatest state in the Union and make the release dates of the three Terminator movies a statewide holidays with parades, floats, and free DVDs.
Senator Hillary Clinton: I am Hillary, Queen Goddess of the Universe. Unlike you puny, insignificant serfs, I, the Queen Goddess do not need to make resolutions for I am perfect. Slaves! Fetch me my girls…
Former Vice President Albert Gore: Kill Hillary and take her place.
Senator Edward Kennedy: Let's see… I'm going to loose weight so I could buy XXXXL clothing instead of XXXXXL ones. I'm also drinking less alcohol, about two tons less. Lastly I'm going to be 30 times as obnoxious, boorish, and crude as I am now, without the help of alcohol.
Oh look! Our ex-presidents want to weigh in.
George Bush Sr.: I'm giving George and Jeb a big hug and an "Attaboy" for New Year's Eve!
James Carter: See this small hole? I'm digging it twice as deep and sticking my head into it!
William Jefferson Clinton: I promise to take the media spotlight less and not be so much of a pervert.
Right! Ok, this next section is about the media but instead of having several speakers like Peter Jennings, Maureen Dowd, Ted Turner etc, they have decided to unite and speak in one voice.
Clinton: I condemn the actions of President Bush as morally reprehensible and unbefitting the Oval Office.
Mr. Clinton, you've had your turn!
Clinton: Say who is your friend, she looks mighty fine. Want to introduce me to her? No thank you. But over there is Anna Kournikova naked!
Clinton: Really? Wow! Well, that's the end of- Mrs. Clinton? Hillary Clinton: Where is Anna, peasant?
There.
Back to the resolutions. Ah here is the illustrious Mainstream Media!
Mainstream Media: We promise to brainwash more people in to accepting the genius of Marx, Lenin, and Mao.
Fox News: We are considering changing our slogan to "Screw it, the truth is right wing conservative!"
Jim Robinson and the people of Free Republic: We pledge to take back our country and recreate it in our Founding Father's image.
Now let's hear from various organizations.
American Civil Liberties Union: We shall prepare the world for the coming of our Dark Prince, Lucifer.
Patricia Ireland and National Organization of Women: Personally, I want to be the best lover Our Queen Goddess Hillary ever had. As an organization, we want to speed up research on human cloning so that we can proceed in exterminating all men and their sympathizers for the creation of a womyn's paradise.
Charleston Heston and the National Rifle Association: Starting New Year's Eve, we'll travel to Iraq or Afghanistan to celebrate every major holiday. You see, we like the idea of being able to fire guns into the air without getting arrested.
Planned Parenthood: Currently, we are trying to draft legislature that would allow abortions anywhere from the moment of conception to when the fetus is four years old.
The Nobel Prize Committee: We will continue to maintain excellence in giving Nobel Prizes to those who deserve it. Except the Peace Prize. We'll continue giving it to murderers and despots. For the year 2004 we are considering giving it to Osama bin Laden.
National Endowment for the Arts: We will continue to coerce the public into funding for the garbage we call "art".
The United Nations: We aim to find more ways to condemn America and Israel for no good reason while leaving rogue states and dictatorships alone.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals: We are training a commando force to free all cute and fuzzy animals from the clutches of mean, nasty people. Hopefully we can get this group operational by the beginning of February…say are those cuddly little fishies in your small, filthy pond?!
Umm…they are fake. Goodbye!
We have come to the scum of humanity, the dregs of the universe. Sorry excuses of a human being that infest our world.
Attorney at Law Mark Geragos: I hope to defend Saddam Hussien and Osama bin Laden.
Michael Moore, Fat Pig: (Smack, burp! Chomp, chew) Yeah. (Farts) I'm gonna diet and exercise. So I don't have to walk around naked since none of my clothes fit.
Then we have the terrorists, dictators, and other enemies of America.
Former Iraqi President Saddam Husayn: I will sue that viper Bush and his Nazi troops for showing that most unflattering and humiliating video of me!
Kim Jong Il, Premier of North Korea: The most powerful substance in our arsenal will be developed into a devastating weapon of mass destruction. America and South Korea will pay for their arrogance and intransigence. The dreaded Kimchi will be the downfall of our enemies!
Usama bin Laden, leader of Al Qaeda: Call me by my full name infidel!
Sigh.
Usama bin Muhammed bin Laden: See how short my name is? I must make it longer. Something like Caliph Sheik Usama bin Muhammed Ahmed Khalid Abdullah Umar bin Laden.
Oh yes, I almost forgot. Destroy the infidels and reign as Caliph of the World Islamic Empire. I should also inspect the weird noises coming from the ceiling.
Finally, Americans in general make their resolutions.
Liberals: We shall prepare the world for the coming of our Dark Prince, Lucifer.
Conservatives: To restore morality, freedom, and justice in America.
Everyone else: To be richer, fatter, and happier. Also to be more apathetic.
May you keep all the resolutions you make. Have a happy New Year and God bless you all.
My favorite! Thanks!
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