Posted on 12/24/2003 10:43:41 AM PST by Maria S
As the United States becomes a "litigation nation" and trial lawyers line up to sue food restaurants and food companies for causing obesity, serving Christmas cookies has become a perilous proposition. Especially to the already obese -- like, for example, Santa Claus.
But the Center for Consumer Freedom has you covered in case Jolly Old St. Nick has John "Sue the Bastards" Banzhaf on his speed dial.
The agreement includes a number of "clauses" designed to protect you and your family from possible liability. By signing it before he eats your cookies, Kris Kringle agrees not to sue you on the basis of:
1) Failure to provide nutrition information and a list of ingredients (the "Grandma's Secret Recipe" clause);
2) Failure to caution of the potential for overeating because cookies taste too good and are provided at no cost;
3) Failure to advise that walking, biking, and jogging will shed pounds, but riding around on a sleigh will not;
4) Failure to warn that Christmas lights, lawn ornaments (plastic reindeer, snowmen, etc.) and other holiday decorations may constitute manipulative marketing to lure Santa into over-consumption.
5) Failure to offer "healthier" cookie alternatives (e.g., tofu bars);
6) Failure to counsel that cookies may be habit-forming and/or irresistible; and
7) Failure to notify that eating way too many cookies may lead to even greater levels of obesity for St. Nick (the "Sanity Clause").
Christmas Cookie Liability and Indemnification Agreement
Santa Claus, AKA Kris Kringle, AKA Jolly Old St. Nick (hereinafter referred to as "Santa") acknowledges receipt of Christmas cookies from ______________________ (hereinafter referred to as "Baker").
Santa acknowledges and understands that no warranty, either expressed or implied, is made by Baker as to the nutritional content of cookies. This document is offered to duly warn Santa that dangerous conditions, risks, and hazards may result from over-consumption of cookies. Santa is hereby informed that cookies may contain any of the following: calories, carbohydrates, sodium (salt), fat, saturated fat, trans fat, polyunsaturated fat, monounsaturated fat, nuts, sugar, caffeine, and good cheer. Santa acknowledges that eating way too many cookies may incur risks including, but not limited to, satiation, indigestion, heart burn, dizziness, laziness, heart disease, holiday spirit, "food coma," and "that bloated feeling."
As consideration for accepting Baker's cookies, Santa indemnifies Baker from all liability for injury or other harm (including obesity) which may be caused, in whole or in part, by said "too many" cookies. Santa agrees that neither he, nor his heirs or personal representatives will sue Baker for any injury suffered, in whole or in part, as a consequence of binging on cookies. Santa assumes full responsibility and will indemnify Baker for any damages in the event that he transfers cookies to any third party (including, but not limited to, potential claimants Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph, Mrs. Claus, and various elves).
This indemnification includes an agreement not to haul Baker into court on the basis of:
1. Failure to provide nutrition information and a list of ingredients (the "Grandma's secret recipe" clause);
2. Failure to caution of the potential for overeating because cookies taste too good and are provided at no cost;
3. Failure to advise that walking, biking, and jogging will shed pounds, but riding around on a sleigh will not;
4. Failure to warn that Christmas lights, lawn ornaments (plastic reindeer, snowmen, etc.) and other holiday decorations may constitute manipulative marketing to lure Santa into over-consumption.
5. Failure to offer "healthier" cookie alternatives (e.g., tofu bars);
6. Failure to counsel that cookies may be habit-forming and/or irresistible; and
7. Failure to notify that eating way too many cookies may lead to even greater levels of obesity for St. Nick (the "Sanity Clause").
SANTA HAS READ THIS DOCUMENT AND UNDERSTANDS IT. SANTA IS SIGNING IT FREELY AND VOLUNTARILY, AND PROMISES NOT TO APPEAR AS A WITNESS IN SUPPORT OF JOHN "SUE THE BASTARDS" BANZHAF, ESQ., AT ANY TIME IN THE FUTURE.
SANTA: ___________________________ DATE:__________________
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