Got Rig Envy? Try Viagra - Dave Barry

Miami Herald ^ | 12-21-03 | Dave Barry

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Got Rig Envy? Try Viagra

DAVE BARRY

Let's say you're a middle-aged guy. It's a Sunday afternoon, and you're planning to relax by watching a little football, defined as ''11 consecutive hours of football.''

You settle on the sofa and turn on the pregame show, and the first thing you see is a commercial for a pickup truck. This is followed by another commercial for a pickup truck, and then, for a change of pace, several more commercials for pickup trucks. Then there's about 45 seconds of men talking about football, followed by still more commercials for pickup trucks.

At this point, you start to wonder if you're the only guy in America who doesn't drive a pickup truck. You drive a Toyota Camry, because in your line of work -- accountant -- the largest payload you haul is Chinese food.

But you are envious of the men in the truck commercials -- manly, bulging men, with manly, bulging vehicles; men who handle large tools; men who do not mind getting sweaty and dirty. In the morning, when white-collar Camry drivers like you are applying underarm deodorant, these men are deliberately perspiring and smearing dirt on their bodies, preparing to go work on the rig.

That's where the men in truck commercials always work: on a rig. You have never, in your accounting career, been involved with a rig. You're not sure what a ''rig'' is. But now you wish you had one. You have rig envy.

Of course you could not get to the rig in your Camry, because you have to drive over boulders. That's how your TV-commercial-truck-drivin' guy always gets to his rig: He drives over the largest boulders he can find. If he can't find any boulders, he simulates them by banging his head violently against the roof of his cab. That's how manly he is.

And he needs to be manly, for there is trouble at the rig. There is always trouble at the rig, in TV-Truck-Commercial-Land, and it always requires the truck-drivin' man to save the day by hitchin' his truck, with a heavy chain, to some massive object -- a tree, a building, a tectonic plate, Sen. Edward M. Kennedy -- and towin' it up a boulder-strewn mountain. Then, it's quittin' time, as indicated by the sound of Bob Seger shrieking ''Like a rock! Oooooooowww, like a rock!'' with the intense, sincere passion of a man who has a rabid shrew in his undershorts.

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LOL !!!!!

[isthisnickcool]

Gads this guy is funny.

[Maria S]

I heard The Big Guy hee-hawing this morning and asked him what was so funny...he said, "Just read Dave Barry when you get a chance."

So THAT'S what those tougher-than-nails commercials about trucks are about!!!

[DugwayDuke]

"a man who has a rabid shrew in his undershorts."

Those guys with the "big rigs", never wear undershorts.

"But your wife would never see the need for a truck. Your wife is -- face it -- a woman."

My "woman" drives an F-150 and dreams of an F-250, Super Duty, 4-WHD, off-road.

[nuconvert]

"He can (winkwink) throw a football through a tire!"

LOL!!

[Ernest_at_the_Beach]

So what size container does she get for the chinese take home?<{>lol!!!

[Unmarked Package]

Gosh, I'm so depressed now. My car aspires to be a Toyota Camry when it grows up. I feel like a total wuss-boy.

This work by Dave Barry is absolutely hilarious. Thanks for posting it.

[Prodigal Son]

and it always requires the truck-drivin' man to save the day by hitchin' his truck, with a heavy chain, to some massive object -- a tree, a building, a tectonic plate, Sen. Edward M. Kennedy

LOL!

[tubebender]

Come on...he drives a Datsun

[HairOfTheDog]

Ping

[Savage Beast]

"manly, bulging men, with manly, bulging vehicles; men who handle large tools and fine, high-tech instruments; men who do not mind getting sweaty and dirty"; who play music, write music, cook dinner, select the wine, and are equally at home in white tie, black tie, business suit, overalls, shorts, or no clothes at all...

Sounds like me.

[ElTianti]

Let's be honest. For 99% of the truck driving public, they are costumes. If you want to use a 6000lbs conveyance to transport yourself to your cubicle every morning, that's fine, just don't tell me you need one.

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Oh, REALLY???

[Junior]

Unnecessary excerpting! Fifty-yard penalty.

[Maria S]

Gee whiz, you sure know how to rain on a parade!

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Wasn't sure whether Barry was allowed to be posted in toto.

[HairOfTheDog]

But I do need one!

To pull this:

[Howie66]

Now here's a contradiction in terms....."Delicious" and "Chinese" and "Food".

Have you ever noticed that there are never any stray dogs or cats in the area of a Chinese restaurant?

[Buffalo Head]

"....just don't tell me you need one."

What does "need" have to do with it? In American, we have the freedom to do what we "want" to do, without asking for permission from oppressors worried about “need”.

[Unmarked Package]

Responding to El Tianti you wrote: Gee whiz, you sure know how to rain on a parade!

LOL, El Tianti definitely burst the bubble of this thread.

I responded to this article keeping in the light-hearted nature of Dave Barry's work, but El Tianti speaks the truth in my opinion. I went through a period of my life when I owned expensive German automobiles and a Corvette. However, looking back on that now, it's the main reason I refer to that time in my life as "the stupid years".