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"I don't know if you can say it's "never" someone else's fault, but I don't think it's OFTEN someone else's fault."

Hi,

Okay, let me jump in here and actually publically admit something. At several points in my life, I have gotten very depressed and done stupid things--cutting up my arms, getting my husband's hunting rifle out of the closet.

But I was never able to cross the line.

You know what is really sad and sick? When I didn't do it, I hated myself even more for not having the guts to really do it.

I don't know if Chris ever felt like that, but it wouldn't surprise me if he felt that way sometimes after his unsuccessful attempts.

I mean, I never really made a serious attempt and I was mad at myself for being "chicken." Imagine if you were that far, I don't know how to describe it, but that far into desperation--I imagine that the self-loathing would be even worse if you made a serious attempt and failed.

I don't have feelings like that anymore. I'm very lucky--so much of it is due to my study of tracking. This is not the place to go into it.... but let me just say that, with any faith-related belief system, I have learned that suicidal thoughts are prompted by evil (the dark side, etc.), and they are not easy to resist...

The impulse to destroy is powerful and can be seen in so many facets of life.

I love Emmanuel Swedenborg's "Heaven and Hell." He says that the reason that both good and evil exist is to give mankind a choice. (17th century Swedish mystic)

We face that choice every day, every moment.

"Deliver us from evil"--the temptation got too great for Chris. But you know, I also believe that the dark side hits people the hardest when they have great potential for good.

Not only did Chris have potential, he shared it with FR, and he will be remembered... And so even though at one moment in his life, the temptation was too great, and the dark outweighed the light, that doesn't mean that after his death, he isn't still shining light.

After all, look at what this thread has turned into in a few posts--a serious discussion of the nature of the Internet, of suicide, of what one can do if someone is suicidal...

Yes, Chris... you're still Freeping! :)

Someone was asking what depression is like.

I really believe it is or is LIKE a form of demonic possession. Depression defends itself. The pain is so great that you would do anything to make it stop--yet, you resist proven remedies. You don't WANT to feel better; you resist all hope that is offered. You deny anything will help, you say "No, that won't work" to every suggestion. You don't want to stay on meds, you don't want to quit using alcohol (which exacerbates depression)--you make excuses and use anger and sarcasm to drive the solicitous, caring, and nurturing people away, even as your soul cries inside for that healing.

If that isn't like being possessed I don't know what is. When we get bronchitis we rarely say "No, I won't take antibiotics to drive off the infection." But when we're depressed we resist going to the doctor who can usually provide a neurochemical way to make it better...or we resist healing through our faith, etc. You can hop on the train, instead of standing in front of it...both change your life, but if you stand in front of it, you can never undo it.

It's not scientific--scientific approaches to depression have their place. The brain literally works differently when in a depressed state. Blood flow and electrical activity is markedly different in the depressed brain versus the non-depressed, and chronic depression causes physical changes in the brain.

But I still believe that there is evil at work in this. I've experienced it, and seen it in others. People are doing things they KNOW make the pain or self-loathing worse, and they won't quit.

I have learned that suicidal thoughts are prompted by evil (the dark side, etc.), and they are not easy to resist...

Thank you for your beautiful post.

On December 15, 1986 my only brother killed himself. He was 28 years old. It devastated my family. I don't think anything else has happened in my life that has affected me more.

The sadness is sometimes nearly unbearable. But it is very very important for survivors to know that it is evil that causes people to do this. Evil that hates goodness and hope. Not you! And you most likely would not have been able to stop it.

My husband often makes fun of my addiction to Free Republic and calls you all my "imaginary friends". But you know, I had a huge lump in my throat all day and sobbed all the way home because this wonderful young man was damaged so badly. He's not imaginary to me at all.