The Ten Worst American Cities to Live In

Bully Magazine ^ | Ken Wohlrob

[Hillary's Folly]

Bully's "Ten Worst American Cities To Live In" List

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By Ken Wohlrob

10. Seattle

Seattle would seem to have everything going for it. Great music, good restaurants, a beautiful landscape, a range of ethnic cultures, and centralized collection of hi-tech businesses that attract brainy folks from places like San Francisco (ever since that city hit the economic slide). So what makes Seattle one of the ten worst cities to live in? Well it's those same techies who fled San Francisco to seek Seattle's venture-capital rich environment, usually after watching the movie Singles, who have turned this once humble and artistic community into a plague of cellphone sporting, PDA carrying idiots who fly around the streets in their Volkswagens while listening to the Flaming Lips. You know that annoying jackass who walks around in the cellphone commercials saying, "Can you hear me now?" He's the official mascot for Seattle. About the only consolation to all this is that Seattle still has one of the highest suicide rates in the nation.

9. Toledo

The first of the Ohio Triplets on our list, Toledo would be the perfect place to re-make The Omega Man. This mostly due to the fact that this Midwestern hole is so bleak, so gray, so devoid of life, that except for rush hour, you wouldn't know that anyone actually lived in Toledo. Forget civic pride, everyone in Toledo knows the city is a hellhole and just stays home to watch TV. Last time we visited, the only after hours joint was located in a hotel for men. Toledo's official city slogan should be "Toledo…We're…well…ah screw it."

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"What can we say about Miami except that it brings out the worst cheesy tendencies in people of all races, creeds, and colors."

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8. Los Angeles

If you look at some of the most talented people to ever walk the planet that ended up destroying themselves - Hemingway, Bruce, Belushi, Morrison, Fitzgerald, Faulkner, Welles, and yes even Osbourne - all have one thing in common. LA.

7. Salt Lake City

This one should be obvious to any intelligent human: Mormons and lots of them. Need we say more?

6. Cincinnati

If you took Chicago, sucked out every last ounce of culture including its thriving music scenes and quality restaurants and bars, leaving a graying hulk of skyscrapers and a complete lack of night life, then you would have Cincinnati. To some Cincinnati is the greatest city in the U.S. - usually these folks are old, white, Christian fundamentalists, confined to wheelchairs, and are very scared of "coloreds." If you are not this type of person and you live in Cincinnati and like it, you have mental problems and should seek professional help.

5. St. Louis

The "Gateway to the West" has three strikes against it. First is that St. Louis has the highest crime rate of any U.S. city. Second, the main architectural landmark looks like an unfinished McDonald's logo. Third, Bob Costas lives there.

4. Atlanta

Any place nicknamed "Hotlanta" has to suck big time. Here's the catch: Did you ever meet someone who went to New York City and said, "I didn't like it, it was too dirty and oh my God there were all these weirdoes." Usually in the next sentence they'll say, "But I really like Hotlanta, it's so cool down there." That's because Atlanta is the city of choice for suburbanites who don't really like cities. Hence Atlanta has turned into nothing more than an over-sprawled suburb, just with more bad bars.

3. Miami

What can we say about Miami except that it brings out the worst cheesy tendencies in people of all races, creeds, and colors. If you want to see blacks, whites, and latinos at their intellectual lowest, than Miami is just for you. Gaudy neon, bad dance clubs, dopey fashionistas, y'all come back now ya hear!

2. Phoenix

Only an idiot would want to spend most of the year trapped in air conditioning. Such an idiot usually moves to Phoenix. Then this dope will say, "Yeah but it's a dry heat." To make matters worse there is absolutely nothing to do in Phoenix besides run from your car's air conditioning to your house's air conditioning. Or you can play golf. Otherwise, they should tear the whole metropolis down and let it just rot back into the desert.

1. Cleveland

The obvious choice for worst city to live in is Cleveland. Not so much because of the lack of culture. Nor is it the lack of a thriving night life. And it is not the constant economic pall that looms over the city. What really makes Cleveland the worst city in all of America is the fact that it shares many of these qualities with other cities - such as its Ohio Twin, Toledo - and refuses to acknowledge it. As a recent article in the Washington Post pointed out, Cleveland peaked in the 1930s and has been on the downslide ever since. To make matters worse, the Plain Dealer - the local city newspaper - found that the higher a young person's education degree, the more likely said person was to move out of Cleveland. In fact it was one of the only three major metropolitan areas in the 1990s to experience such a mass exodus of intelligence. In essence, smart people leave Cleveland while the dumb stay to crank out children and watch the Indians games. Now if you said this to the average Clevelandite, they would call you an a-hole, pound their fist on the table, and insist that Cleveland has just as much to offer as New York City or Chicago. It's almost as if the citizens have become desensitized to the obvious. At least the Toledoans have a clue, but Clevelandites like their city just the way it is and they're damn proud of it…with the closed steel mills, and bad wing joints, and those horrible blues bands that all play a terrible rendition of "Mustang Sally."

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© 1998-2003 Bully Magazine

[nicksaunt]

11. San Francisco- One of the most beautiful natural settings for a city in the country, combined with probably the highest concentration of high quality restaurants outside of NYC. ... If you really want to piss off the local snobs, wear an LA Dodger cap and always refer to 'The City' as "Frisco." Word of caution though, do it after the waiter brings your food.

Very true statement.

In regards to pure physical beauty, San Francisco is truly blessed. Unfortunately, the city and it's surrounding areas have changed so much. It is not what it was 25 years ago when I moved to San Francisco. We recently left the bay area.

I don't miss the cost, the traffic, the libs, etc. I am close to family now and my new home is large and beautiful. We are very happy with the move. Yet, I know that San Francisco will always have a piece of my heart.

[oust the louse]

I'm about 25 miles west of C-town and live near the lake.Great community and the people are awesome. Don't go into downtown much. I don't feel safe and the bars/restaraunts too pricey and below average.Sports teams suck,but it's better than nothing.I'll go to a game every now and then.
To all you bashers of C-town,who cares about your opinion...just like everyone has a nose,everyone has an opinion. As long as you make the best of it wherever you are,life is good.I have a saying that goes,"every day I wake up and I'm on this side of the dirt it's a great day"!Doesn't matter where you are,just have great peolple to spend it with.

[DonQ]

Miami got trashed for its people, which is unfair. It should get trashed for its weather ... fun for northerners in December thru February, but pure hell for everyone from May thru mid-October. Not just hot but muggy beyond belief. If you're not into intensive climate control, prepare yourself for heat rash and mildew. Of course, the people should get counted too; more than 40 years after Castro came to power, Miami is a native-born foreign colony, heavily larded with people who won't bother to learn ingles because they're all convinced they'll retake the island as soon as they overthrow Castro.

[cibco]

"East Tennessee is also FULL of Busch drinking, cigarette smoking, ignorant rednecks..."

HEY! Leave me out of this...

[bonfire]

My inlaws love it there too. It's just waaaaaay to big for me!

[sangoo]

I guess this invites the question, are Mormons Christians

Only by their own definition.

[oust the louse]

Hey Pietro,we have a bonehead coach who after throwing for over 700+ yards the last 2 games against your ugly uniforms decides he's going to establish a running game against the worst secondary in football.I hope he gets the ax this year.I've grown very tired of watching him make excuses and draft crap...3 years is enough...by the way,congrats on your fine season as well.Looks as tho the Bungles get the last laugh this year.

[clamper1797]

And where's Houston

[oust the louse]

you also forgot that driving the street system in Pittspuke and surrounding areas sucks.looks like someone saw a bad case of vericose viens and designed the roads after it.

[gcruse]

Consider traffic and move Seattle higher on the list.

How he could fail to mention the reason for Seattle's brogdingnagian per capita coffee consumption and its Norwegian suicide rate, ie, the most depressingly dismal weather on the planet, is astonishing.  The author must have visited the Emerald City in August and never returned.

[Mr. Mojo]

OK......I guess I was wrong about Townships. Thanks for the info.

And Dan, the two places in western MI I was thinking of were Muskegeon and Benton Harbor, and I believe only the latter is a Township.

[Allegra]

My inlaws love it there too. It's just waaaaaay to big for me!

I have a friend here whose parents won't come to visit him from their little town outside of Waco because they're terrified of the freeways. LOL

I'm a city girl through and through, but I can certainly understand people who aren't. And I do love to get away to the country where I can see the stars at night and drink in the tranquility for a while.

[smith288]

GO WNHS Warriors

Pfph!

Go Big Walnut Golden Eagles!

[Paul C. Jesup]

Any of these lists that omits Washington D.C. and New York City for tieing in first as worst city in the U.S. is bias.

[HardStarboard]

>>>Consider traffic and move Seattle higher on the list. <<<

Consider our Senators, both women, one leftist, and one dumb leftist.
Consider the number of Dean for President bumperstickers.
Consider a penchant to build unworkable architecture.
Consider money down a rathole for both a monorail on stilts and lightrail on the ground level.
Consider potholes that come close to swallowing my Mini Cooper(rumor has it they are going to test the 4WD model on Seattle streets).
Consider the bums living on downtown streets.
Consider our leftist City Council that voted not to cooperate with the Patriot act.
Consider the rule that our police cannot ask a detainee what his immigrations status is.
Consider cold, wet winters.

Don't consider why I still live here.....stupidity perhaps?

[WhiteGuy]

Big Wally? do they have indoor plumbing yet?

Oh well,

gotta go milk the cows................

(just kidding)

I grew up about 2 miles south of the Genoa church you mentioned.................

small world

[StolarStorm]

"They must not know the little secrets we do about the good places to go"

The sad thing is I DO know the little secret places to go, there just isn't that many... that's why they have to be secret. Houston has a few nice things going for it... but those things can be found in countless other areas long with fresh air, clean streets, and less rednecks.

Perhaps I've just been spoiled. After spending time in the Highlands of Scotland, or attending the theater and museums of London, or hiking near Banff (and Calgary) and so forth, polluted Houston is a little hard to come back too. Excuse me... I have to go clear my lungs out... cough cough cough.

[macrahanish #1]

Pittsburgh rocks!! Have you ever been there?

[marshmallow]

What a silly list.

Anyone from Miami want to move to Detroit? Or Buffalo? Or Philly? Or some other dump that isn't on the list?

Sure you do. You're dying to swap some of that sea air and sunshine for filth, freezing snow and urban decay.

[johnb838]

Yea, We Didn't Make The List. Houston Dodges a Bullet!