Funny sayings you find in emails

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

I know you may think you know what I said, but I'm not sure that you realize that what you think I said is not really what I meant.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

Some people are like Slinkies: not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

I've used all of these as taglines in e-mail. Enjoy.

E=mc³. Don't drink and derive.
The truly oppressed never revolt.
Take cover. Take aim. Take over.
Credibility * Shrillness = Constant
This is World War IV. You're welcome.
I am armed. Proceed at your own peril.
Only slaves ask permission to bear arms.
Let's get on with it, I'm losing my buzz.
End war and ensure peace. Kill the enemy.
Nothing of importance comes without effort.
Good? Bad? Eh...I'm the guy with the guns.
You want broke, blind, bedlam, or all three?
If guns kill, where do mine hide the bodies?
I like rats better than you bastards anyway.
I'm the will of the world that's about to be.
Why is it the murderers always call for peace?
Judge me not by my friends, but by my enemies.
Performance is everything. Potential is nothing.
Vigilate itaque, quia nescitis diem, neque horam.
(In English: Watch therefore, for ye know neither
the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh.)
You tell 'em I'm coming, and hell's coming with me.
Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand.
Who are these kids and why are they calling me Dad?
If you can't make a mistake, you can't make anything.
There are fates worse than death. Most are my hobbies.
Lead me not into temptation, I can find the way myself.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
The closer we are to danger, the farther we are from harm.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts.
To expect the government to save you is to be a bystander in your own fate.
Never do anything standing that you can do sitting, or anything sitting that you can do lying down.

Okay, you beat me...

Try these. Yes, I made them up when a friend at the office and me had a competition to create the worst fortune cookies. Many tangents were explored.

Love will keep us together, but this restraining order says I can't come within 100 yards of you

Embrace the micak. Be the micak.

Uh-oh, you picked the misfortune cookie

My dogs are doing, uh, syncronized licking. NEXT ON FOX

Hey, who took my hallucinations

If at first you don't succeed, keep digging. You don't want that whole "shallow grave" reputation to follow you around

dadadaDAdaDA... Credit Denied

Live long and prosper. Until you start doing better than me then I wish you a long, slow, painful, publicly viewed demise.

Did you ever know that your my hero? No? Know why? Because I HATE you!

The bus boy is actually a forensic expert and you have just willingly offered DNA samples

A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet. But if you dont wash your hands, I'm about to rename 'fingers' to 'old dead bloated chicken roadkill'

Pop goes the wildebeast!

Once in a lifetime someone comes along that has the same interests as you, the same feelings as you, the same emotions as you. Then they take off their mask and you find that they are you, from another dimention. Then the relationship just gets weird.

You are getting verrrry funky

Telegraph, telephone, tell a friend, Teletubbies

If your happy and you know it punch a duck

A warm toilet seat is a recently used toilet seat

The tooth. You can't handle the tooth (things you hear yelled at Tooth Ferry bootcamp)

...and Bingo was his nameo. What kind of stupidassed name is Bingo, and who's the idiot that actualy decided to run with 'nameo' in his lyrics?

Je vais à EuroDisney!

What's in a name? Well in Engelbert Humperdink there's alot of freakin' letters.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck had a really big chainsaw?

Seasons change. People change. You should really toss underwear into the mix too.

One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you. For $50. For $100 I'll grab the stillettos and call you Bad Daddy.

We all live in a yellow small, mobile undersea research vessel capable of functioning in the ocean depths.

A Collect all 26

Time is on my side 'cause I wear a pocketwatch

He shoots, he scores, he takes a hit from the bong. (Portland Trailblazers play by play call)

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Swelling is in the hand of the bee holder.

A DO DO DO A DA DA DA is all I want to say to you. But when you responded ITTLE BITTLE DOOPIE POP, you really scared me.

Wookie - A fuwst yeaw powice officuw

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