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I have been profoundly affected by the Terri Schindler-Schiavo case--to the point where I have longed to go to Florida to be part of the candlelight vigils. I have felt bad that my family, my health, and my studies have kept me from going to Florida to add my physical presence to that of those holding vigil. I believe I should BE there. I think it's more important than anything else I'm doing. But I can't be.

Note I believe in right-to-die--this just isn't a right-to-die case, as she had no living will and her husband's actions and motives prove him a base and criminal man. Had Terri a living will, I would be just as strongly supporting WHATEVER that living will said she wanted. In fact, at first I was opposed to what those trying to save her are doing. As I learned more I realized I was wrong, and Terri would not want to die--this particular woman who did CPR on a dying old dog would want everything done to give herself a chance, too. All the real evidence supports that, and sound neurology supports real hope that she could be helped.

Anyway, my health has made it difficult to do more than make phone calls to Florida officials. But I have done that.

Last night, I had a dream about Terri.

I dreamed that I was visiting her and discovered that I could understand her. Her grunts were speech--and no one had been paying attention. Everyone had assumed she couldn't talk, so it was true for them. She told me she wanted to live and to help her. So I picked her up. (Note: I haven't been able to carry my children for four years) and carried her out. For some reason the cops who guard her were busy and didn't see me leaving with her. At the front desk I told her that she must tell them what she told me. But they couldn't understand her and summoned security, so I ran. I even got her to stand (supported) briefly, while I fiddled with locks to open a door. And then I had her outside. The look of wonder on her face! Sunshine on her, the green of trees around her, fountains splashing, human faces smiling at her.

I saw pursuit so I fled through bushes and we found ourselves at a big outdoor swimming pool. Terri was afraid, but I had the idea that the pursuers wouldn't check so I waded in with her. She was delighted. She hasn't seen sunlight or a tree in years, and she certainly hadn't been immersed in water. We walked through the pool and everyone smiled at her and she smiled back. Then I managed (don't ask how) to get her back out and we fled through the back gate and into a small forest around a golf course.

We walked through the golf course and then came upon motels. On the other side of a road I could tell there was beach. I took Terri to look out over the ocean and to catch my breath and think what to do next. Note I don't know where this hospice is, if it's really within walking distance of the ocean--it IS just a dream.

Some LDS missionaries came down the road--two young men--and I asked them for help. They said they had to get permission and left to phone their mission leader.

I have been **very** distressed at the silence from my Church about Terri. Of course, Terri is Catholic, and most of her own church has been equally silent. They could save her if they'd speak out for her.

But mine speaks out about abortion, about the family, about life. I know there are LDS who have been out there for Terri, and I hope they know they represent me too.

So they were gone, and I was left worrying about pursuit and finally (in my dream) tired. I knocked on motel room doors, and finally this black (family?) let me in. They were all thirty-something and middle-aged and I never figured out what they were to each other, just that they DID let me in. They let me have one of the beds in their room. They were watching TV and laughing and they left me alone. Occasionally one of them would go get something I needed--a plastic sheet, clean towels. They didn't complain or interfere or ask any questions.

I washed and tended to Terri who was very tired and uncommunicative. Anyone seeing her now would believe I had kidnapped a comatose woman instead of rescuing someone who had asked me to help her. I was very worried about that. I had trouble making sure she had a good airway, and a lot more trouble cleaning her up since (as babies do) as soon as I would think she was done she needed tending again.

(I'm afraid my own life is quite linked to this stuff as I've had chronic runs for four weeks. I have been hospitalized for it, with no result. I can't eat anything solid without a lot of pain. So it's not surprising that my dream would be, uh, detailed on these points.)

The whole dream was internally consistent which is the weirdest thing of all. The locale didn't change--I was in a Florida hotel room managing with Florida hotel room supplies, and you can think how hard that would have been. I NEVER have consistent dreams like this--usually the locale shifts, the people shift, or basic rules of the universe change, etc. Certainly I break the laws of thermodynamics all the time in dreams. But this time it all made sense.

Then I realized she'd had no food or drink since we left the hospice, and I started trying to figure out how to get sustenance into her. Settled on ice chips the family
fetched for me, and some baby food one of them had along. Terri was so tired it was hard to spoon feed her. She didn't choke--just kept falling asleep on me. (In real life, she would probably need much therapy from a specialist to get to the point of taking enough food by spoon to survive.)

And I was so tired and trying desperately to think how to get help. I knew FReepers who care about Terri would help but I had no computer. (In my usual dreams, if I want something, somehow it's at hand.) I knew her parents would be right there but that if I called them, it was likely to be police and Felos and Schiavo who would show up first. I also knew that even if I could trust the family who let me in not to get annoyed and call the cops (I'm sure they needed both those beds!!!) I would eventually be found.

And that's when I woke up. I've never had a dream more affecting, pertinent, lucid or rational. Once you accept the initial absurd premises (that I was in with Terri to see her, that I was physically capable of hauling her around Florida) all the rest of it makes sense.

Terri is a stranger to me and I probably would not have liked her very much before her brain damage. She was not the kind of person I get along with well. Still--I know that it's a moral outrage that she has been denied rehabilitative therapies that might have let her communicate with her caregivers, even restore her to greater function, if not full function.

Had to tell someone about this dream. Hope you all understand at least, and if you want to flame me that I'm wrong about Terri, just hold on to it because I really can't take it right now.

I want to be there for her--directly, heroically, and I can't, and that is breaking my heart.

Thank you for sharing your dream. I too dreamed about Terri last night, first time since the feeding tube was replaced. I don't remember the dream though, as I often do. Yours was quite vivid. I think many of us have formed a bond with Terri that is unique, and dreams are a part of making that bond more real.

Never have I wanted to be more 'directly' beside someone either. Ever.

I am glad you shared your dream-your wants for Terri are mine. Sunshine, immersion ( in a warm whirlpool with family all around, laughter, TV, beach, tender feeding and most of all, I want to place a kitten up to her cheek (and I am a 100% puppy person, dogs are one of my passions) and look into her eyes and tell her the sunshine is hers for the rest of her life.

Cat...I think you just dreamed what all of us hope and pray for.........Terri to feel the warm sunshine on her face and see the trees.watch the squirrels and birds in the trees, smell the fresh salt of the ocean breeze. Just to do some of lifes simplist things that some of us take for granted would stimulate her to what? we will never know if not given the chance