Posted on 11/07/2003 12:39:17 AM PST by Tall_Texan
Tired of reality television and dumb internet sites? Wanna put some fun in your life without the use of mind-altering chemicals or sex aids? Then whip out a deck of cards and impress your friends with the new POLITICALLY-CORRECT POKER!
How do you play? Easy. Have a deck of cards and some poker chips just like those old games you played in college. Only, this time, we'll take the cultural rules of political correctness and apply them to the famous card game.
Just as in real poker, the goal is to have the most poker chips at the end. However, in PC Poker, you can also earn chips by trying to guilt them out of your opponents. You can even use shakedown tactics like Jesse Jackson does. Threaten someone else at the table with being labelled a racist if they don't hand over to you $100. If that doesn't work, accuse them of being a homophobe, a Nazi or go for the ultimate slander - call them a right-wing fundamentalist extremist. Remember, truth is irrelevant in PC Poker.
Now, let's look at the cards. First of all, the four suits are not equal. The black suits (clubs and spades) have long been the victims of oppression and so they will need to count more in order to reverse thousands of years of slavery and discrimination.
If you have a low card (2,3 or 4) in a black suit, you can apply affirmative action to make the card a 5,6,or 7. Queens count more than Kings or Jacks (filthy men!) Black Queens (also known as "welfare queens") are among the highest cards in the deck and greatly respected if they've thrown out a no-good King or Jack from the hand.
Kings have weapons and are violent. The police may need to be called to throw them in jail (discard) because of their anti-social and patriarchal tendencies. They may also need to be sent to sensitivity training. The King of Hearts has already been through sensitivity training as well as divorce court and can be seen taking his own life. He understands how worthless men are in our modern society and has done what must be done to stop robbing the planet of necessary resources. The Jacks may be kept around as long as they understand their place.
Now, let's look at some actual poker hands:
A "Full House" is a bad thing and you are sure to lose if you have one. Nobody should be allowed to have so many children. What are you, a Catholic? You should have aborted the little moppets and you'll be sent to a Planned Parenthood clinic for lessons in "safe" sex if you don't stop that right now!
Two Queens is a great hand. Two women running a household is exactly what you should aspire to have. Three or four Queens is even kinkier.
Two Jacks can be great as well but, unless they adopt cards from someone else's hand or convert other Jacks into their lifestyle, that's probably all you'll wind up with.
One Jack and one Queen can be a good hand as long as the Queen is allowed to rule the hand. A King and Queen, on the other hand, is not desirable as they may produce too many offspring if they haven't been sufficiently indoctrinated. Most Kings are known sexual predators.
A "straight" is frowned upon. A black "flush" is hip, man. But a non-black "flush" means you have to give more chips over to the welfare Queens or risk being called a racist.
Now, a word about wagering. You must be taxed some chips at the beginning of every hand. The more chips you have, the more you will be taxed. But if you have less than half the chips, you'll pay nothing at all. If you have the upper 10% of all chips, you'll pay 50% more to wager than anybody else at the table. 25% of your tax goes directly to the "welfare Queens" who, if they share a hand with a Jack, can make more 2s,3s and 4s.
In the end, the government decides what you can afford to wager at each turn and will seek to seize anything you actually earn.
1. no "male" cards (Kings or Jacks) are present.
2. the "child" cards were "fathered" by mutiple male cards--from other decks even--thus simulating the illegitimate and fatherless inner-city families so prevalent. This hand automatically qualifies for government subsidies.
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