Helping child with homework may not be the answer needed

The Commercial Appeal, Memphis ^ | October 28, 2003 | Dr. Yvonne Fournier

[willieroe]

[Letter:] My son recently started fractions in school. When his teacher assigned homework problems, my son struggled to understand his notes and recall the teacher's explanations. He finally came to me for help.

To encourage him and help him understand that he can get this stuff, I told him, "That's easy!" and taught him some of the shortcuts I use to figure out fractions. I must have done the wrong thing, because he became terribly frustrated and wound up in tears.

Most parents have heard their children complain, "I don't know how to do it!" The natural inclination is to respond, "Let me help." Unfortunately, this can lead parents to cross the line of parenting into teaching. Instead of feeling helped, many children feel alone, intimidated and, finally, humiliated.

When your son asks for help, you need to make a crucial distinction: Is he ready to practice, or does he need more teaching?

It is a parent's job to develop in their children the skill of responsibility - skills that lead to responsible actions. But developing responsibility and teaching can be two different things.

Parents must realize that just because a child has been taught, it does not necessarily follow that the child has yet learned, or taken ownership of knowledge. Some children might have been taught enough that minimal additional guidance will lead them to learning. However, parents who cannot clarify a concept for their child within 10 to 15 minutes should realize that their child needs more teaching.

The parent's job is teaching responsibility, not teaching schoolwork.

What to do

When your child asks for help, sit down in a quiet spot - away from the homework area - and ask for a brief explanation of the problem. If you believe your child is ready for learning but just lacks a little bit to get started, try to fill in the gap. This gentle nudge toward learning should not take more than 10 or 15 minutes.

If your child does not understand the concepts, additional teaching should be done by a teacher and not a parent. Help your child understand what pieces of information are missing, and then phrase it in a specific question for the teacher. Many children will be afraid of taking questions to the teacher, but learning how to ask for information is an important part of the education process. Expect hesitancy and fear, but encourage your child to overcome them. After all, knowing what you don't know is the key to being a knowledgeable person.

Let your child's teacher know that you will be using this method. Initially, the teacher might want you to sign the child's questions to know that you have discussed the problem together.

Do not confuse your roles. Just as we parents must refrain from being at-home teachers, we also must refrain from asking teachers to be substitute parents. When each job is fulfilled in the student-educator-parent learning partnership, the job of learning how to learn becomes easier.

And we parents can enjoy just being parents.

Parents, teachers and students may send their questions to Dr. Yvonne Fournier, 5900 Poplar Ave., Memphis, Tenn. 38119; E-mail yf7thsense@aol.com. Questions can only be answered in future columns.

[Tired_of_the_Lies]

I had a similar experience in fourth grade when I tried to discuss something about division with my teacher.

My parents, in addition to teaching me math, reading, and other helpful things, taught me not to waste my time arguing with a teacher, so I didn't press the point.

Nonetheless, I had an epiphany in her class the day I realized that I understood math better than she did.

[Tired_of_the_Lies]

If I had realized she was an "educator," I probably wouldn't have bothered to read what she had to say.

This appears to me to be little more than a collateral attack on home-schooling.

[waterstraat]

bump for later

[4mycountry]

I must say, gentlemen, that your language is absolutley gobsmacking.

(Anyone remember that thread?)

[ladylib]

It's up to the teacher to teach. There is an unfortunate thing going on in some schools today where teachers feel they can order parents to teach their children things that should be taught in school. Lord only knows what the teacher is doing.

One magazine writer said that she received an e-mail from her child's teacher telling her that all parents are now responsible for teaching their children the multiplication tables. Excuse me! What is this teacher being paid for?

Also, teachers are so busy preparing their students for their high-stakes tests that they often send home work that wasn't even explained to the student, expecting the parent to sit down and teach the child.

You might as well pull your child out and homeschool him yourself and save the kid the boredom of sitting in school learning how to take a test.

[Pan_Yans Wife]

ping to satire in 16

[kidd]

If your child does not understand the concepts, additional teaching should be done by a teacher and not a parent.

Not where I live. My teenager was (incorrectly) placed in a lower level of math - and was bored to tears. I asked the teachers about moving him up a level. I was told that I would have to homeschool him over the summer to get him caught up. I did this, with the public school teacher's approval, and he excelled. He was so thrilled with his progress, that my otherwise unmotivated teenager, insisted that he do the same thing to move up to honors algebra. We did the summer homeschooling over the last summer (again with the teacher's approval) and is again excelling in honors pre-calculus.

Its a mistake to let the teachers do all the teaching. Some public school teachers are reasonable people who put the student's best interest first and recognize the value that a parent can add.

[HamiltonJay]

It is tough, without understanding the method the teacher is using... most people honestly make lousy teachers... don't believe me, let your brother in law "show you something" they know and see how much you grasp at the end....

The comfusing part is that a teacher or school is teaching using a particular method, not just I understand it, here's how you do it... this can be very frustrating to a child, or even an adult student.. when someone comes along using different terms and different approaches etc...

I am not saying parents can't help a child, but they should be on the same page as the teacher in terms of approach or you will likely wind up frustrating them more than helping them.

[Liberal Classic]

I think she means Doing a child's homework may not be the answer. Certianly this lady doesn't mean parents shouldn't teach children.

If your child does not understand the concepts, additional teaching should be done by a teacher and not a parent.

Oh wait. She does. I almost disbelieve the hubris in this article.

[Pan_Yans Wife]

I remember tearful sessions of my father helping me with math homework. He would say, "Let me show you a short cut". And I would then get two different processes confused. He wasn't a patient teacher, and would impatiently say, "Do you understand?", and I, with lip quivering, would tearfully lie. Then he would say, "Show me". And, I wouldn't succeed.

That being said, he wasn't cut out to be a math teacher, but, other subjects both my parents helped me with. They were a source of encouragement when it came to my studies, and always accentuated the positive, my progress and abilities. They would try their best, and sometimes be unable to help me cross the next hurdle, and then would seek out extra help from the teachers.

I think students need support from their parents when it comes to schooling. The parents are the child's greatest teacher.

[tang-soo]

I had already phrased my response when I started reading the followup posts. To my dismay, I find the word "Crap" has been used extensively. Oh well, too bad! What a load of Crap!

I homeschool my son who is a junior this year. However, I let the very expensive private school he attends augment my teaching (grin).

Seriously, nothing can replace the long discussions we have about such things as his Europena History class (sometimes two hours or more). No teacher can spend that kind of one-on-one time. PLus, as a side benefit, it keeps me informed. There are plenty of times when I have him explain things that I am not up to speed on - so he turns the table and instructs me. When he can do this to my satisfaction, then he's ready for his test/quiz. Sadly (on my part) this latter senerio is becoming more the norm (grin).

I was a good student and I am very happy to see that he is turning out to be a better one than myself.

And this buffon would rather me let he and his fellow idiots be responsible for what my son learns. Hah!

[secretagent]

Great piece!

[HungarianGypsy]

When my husband was in high school his algebra teacher said there was NO WAY anyone could pass the tests without completing the homework. Was she mad when proved wrong.

[Liberal Classic]

"Just as we parents must refrain from being at-home teachers," What on earth does that mean? Parents teach a child long before he or she ever meets a teacher...

It means that teachers are no longer simply paid for the service of teaching children, or even that schools are subsidized such that poor parents can send their children to them. The public school system has taken the next step and become the edifice of knowledge itself. They are no longer providing a service to parents, they desire to supplant parents altogether and raise children in a creche. I'll take my tinfoil hat off now.

[Always Right]

I am not saying parents can't help a child, but they should be on the same page as the teacher in terms of approach or you will likely wind up frustrating them more than helping them.

But a significant part of the problem is these methods that are being taught stink. The short term results of teaching a kid a different method may not get a good grade from a teacher, but the long term result is the kid finally understood and learned something. The NEA has created cookie-cutter methods of teaching that are failing a lot of kids.

[Always Right]

Hey now, don't be giving anyone ideas.

[HamiltonJay]

Oh I agree completely that parents should be supportive and active in their childs learning, but that doesn't mean that all parents are good teachers. And its very easy to get a child, particularly a young child confused and frustrated.

I have found this out with my son many times... his desire to please me causes him great anxiety when it comes to doing things in front of me, particularly things he is not confident with. He gets so worried about failing, or disappointing that he'll make simple mistakes just from nerves....

I have always been encouraging of him, but it still doesn't matter. I will also admit I am not the most patient person, I am not cut out to be a teacher to small children... I recognize this about myself. I am more of a driver personality type and my Son is very clearly emotive... he is far more concerned that everyone be happy and get along over any drive to be first or the best.

At times this can be very frustrating to deal with for me, but I recognize this and do my best to understand and appreciate him for who he is, even if who he is may conflict with my world view at times. He has taught me much about patience and understanding.

I also learned about different pages of methods by trying to aid him in math.. I was ringing circles around my math teachers by 4th of 5th grade, so I understand the concepts he is working on quite well... but he is being taught them using a method I am not familiar with and when I have tried to help by showing him how I understand it it has left him confused and frustrated. Now I try to understand not only WHAT he is being taught, but HOW as well so that I can help him without confusing him.

[HeadOn]

I'm with you. I've got more on the ball in most cases than my son's teachers.

I tell him, "This may not be the way they teach you, but it gets the right answer. As long as you understand it, that's what counts. If your teacher doesn't like how I've shown you to do it, ask her to send me a note." Haven't seen a note yet...

[HamiltonJay]

The NEA has created cookie-cutter methods of teaching that are failing a lot of kids.

And there are just as many, in fact more kids that are succeeding... I have no argument that not all children do or can learn the same way... however if your child is learning, and you then decide in your ultimate Know it all wisdom to cram your way or the highway down their throats to make a point, you are going to just do more harm than good.

THere is a difference between a struggling student and one that just needs some help with homework here and there.

[HeadOn]

I'm in the same situation... see post #38