The Guild 4-12-2003 Hair Spray Saves the Day!

[BigWaveBetty]

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see that the colorful little Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the poor little bunny.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. Fifty yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned round, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!!!!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven’s name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

[Aggie Mama]

Hey everyone. I was just getting ready to post about what a wonderful day it has been. I went to the mall and did some shopping (I haven't done that in about 6 months) with dd and had a fun time. Well, I just get a phone call from my SIL telling me that she has just tested positive for Tuberculosis!! She's a chiropracter, so she sees a lot of the hispanic "migrant" population here in Houston. She has to take medicine for 6 months to protect her from developing symptoms of the disease.

I have a call out to my OB and to the kids' pediatrician to see how this is going to affect all of us and if we need to get tested. Crap! Just when we are given the OK with getting over the Fifth's Disease now there's this to contend with. My mom is concerned about SARS b/c one of the gals in her office just came back form Singapore on "vacation". What kind of idiot goes on vacation to Singapore when the State Dept posts travel warnings about going there? I think I am going to live in a bubble for the next 8 weeks until this baby is born. =(

[pubmom]

This is not the kind of news you needed to hear, especially not now. Prayers have been sent for you and all the little Aggies to stay well.

[mountaineer]

Oh my, just what you needed! Good question - who goes to Singapore on vacation any time, let alone during the SARS scare?

Just found this, and wanted to share:

We're all huge fans of Bill Clinton here at the Five Dumbest Things Research Lab. But we do have our limits. We bumped into one of them Tuesday while listening to veteran journalist Marvin Kalb conduct a lunchtime interview with the former president at the Plaza Hotel.

Part of a Conference Board conference titled "Progress Report on Restoring Trust in Corporations and America's Financial Markets," the conversation was an enlightening exploration of stock market declines, corporate scandals, George W. Bush's tax cuts and the future of American foreign policy.

Clinton, for example, claimed Tuesday he foresaw the telecom, dot-com and Nasdaq declines. "I was always afraid of some sort of meltdown," he said, though it's not clear whether he advised Al Gore, or anyone else, of his concerns at the time.

Anyway, Kalb asked a lot of good questions, except for the one that was on the mind of every single Republican and Democrat packed into the room: Which was, Why the heck are we listening to Bill Clinton talk about restoring trust?

Just to refresh your memory, Clinton was the President of the United States who told the cameras five years ago, "I want to say one thing to the American people. I want you to listen to me. I am going to say this again. I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky." Yes, this is the same President of the United States who, under oath in a grand jury deposition, justified a denial of a sexual relationship with Monica Lewinsky using the now-classic explanation "It depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is."

This is the guy who's telling us he's on the side of trustworthy financial statements? Uh, is that supposed to be any different from his policy on just plain trustworthy statements? thestreet.com

[mountaineer]

As you all know, the Palestinian terrorist behind the hijacking of the Achille Lauro, and murder of American Leon Klinghoffer, recently was nabbed in Bagdhad. Did the major media happen to report that he was a Clinton supporter?

ABUL Abbas believed himself to be a free man, the sins of the past expiated by a friendship of convenience in high places, but it is the nature of the shifting sands of political expediency to swallow up those it once called friends.

The Palestinian terrorist leader must now face a reckoning for multiple acts of violence and the single murder of a wheelchair-bound innocent 18 years ago. While raiding known terrorist haunts in Baghdad, United States special forces captured Abbas who believed lifelong immunity was guaranteed by his support of former US president Bill Clinton’s attempt at peace in the Middle East.

But times - and presidents - change; an unlikely ally of Mr Clinton is the enemy of George Bush, the current president, and the hijacking of the Achille Lauro cruise ship and the murder of Leon Klinghoffer, 69, has come back to haunt him.
rest of story, The Scotsman.

[lodwick]

TOM DASCHLE may no longer call himself a Catholic. The Senate minority leader and the highest ranking Democrat in Washington has been sent a letter by his home diocese of Sioux Falls, sources in South Dakota have told The Weekly Standard, directing him to remove from his congressional biography and campaign documents all references to his standing as a member of the Catholic Church.

This isn't exactly excommunication--which is unnecessary, in any case, since Daschle made himself ineligible for communion almost 20 years ago with his divorce and remarriage to a Washington lobbyist. The directive from Sioux Falls' Bishop Robert Carlson is rather something less than excommunication--and, at the same time, something more: a declaration that Tom Daschle's religious identification constitutes, in technical Catholic vocabulary, a grave public scandal. He was brought up as a Catholic, and he may still be in some sort of genuine mental and spiritual relation to the Church. Who besides his confessor could say? But Daschle's consistent political opposition to Catholic teachings on moral issues--abortion, in particular--has made him such a problem for ordinary churchgoers that the Church must deny him the use of the word "Catholic."


From the WeeklyStandard, via Drudge, via Mo1.

[mountaineer]

I doubt little Tommy is "saddened" at all over the news.

[Endeavor]

Well now Lod, I'd be happy to debate the plusses and minuses of Patriot Acts I & II at another time (I'm trying to get some stuff done right now). I will agree with you on immigration. And I'm not for bailing out the airlines (which Congress just did again this week while bitching that they can't afford a bigger tax cut). Finally, yes, we should have armed pilots ALREADY!

[lodwick]

Don't let me keep you from accomplishing...

Great 'toon slam - language prevents posting

[lodwick]

Learn more about the Patriot Act II

[Utah Girl]

If Bill had that premonition that the stock market would melt down, why didn't he do something about it? He was after all, a legend in his own mind, the leader of the free world, and the US president. He had the power to do something about it. Plus the rest of the article is very telling about him. Selective memory? What exactly was Bill involved in at the very same moment he was telelphoning US Congressmen to get votes to bomb Bosnia??? Monica was doing her thing underneath his desk. At least the crowd Bill was talking to got it. Ugh, I must stop reading this articles about Clinton, his statements are just getting more and more outrageous and out of touch with reality.

[Utah Girl]

The worst revenge I saw a woman get in her divorce is when building her home. Her husband ran around on her, and finally left her for another man. He was a billionaire, and so she got $500 million dollars in the divorce settlement. She promptly bought five acres of ground and commenced to build a monstrosity of a home. She had the foundation ripped out three times before she liked the final one (she probably wasted a few hundred thousand dollars on those decisions.) The house cost her millions, she won't ever be able to sell it because it is located in a very average, middle class neighborhood. Her goal was to spend his millions of dollars (waste, actually.) She actually ended up hurting their four sons more with other things that she did. The good news is that they have reconciled enough to be friends, I see them at cultural events together quite often. One of their sons asked them to at least be friends, and she finally realized what she was doing. (I'm not excusing the ex-husband's behavior either, she put him through school, and they lived in near poverty as he pursued his dream of writing software. It was only after hitting the big-time that he left her.)

[lodwick]

Her husband ran around on her, and finally left her for another man.

Ooops...sexual identity crisis.

I cannot imagine the betrayal that woman must have felt. Still, to piss away millions, is troubling to me. Why would she waste her own money?

[Utah Girl]

She was trying to get revenge on her ex was her excuse. She did hire an excellent divorce attorney, he got her half of the money, plus future royalties from the software sales. I guess she thought if she wasted the money, then he'd be sorry, or something like that. Revenge never quite works out the way it is supposed to. (Her ex was gay, he ran around on her for years with other men, I should have said it better than I did.)

[lodwick]

'toon's premonition is like my lunar landing.

Had he a clue, the smartest woman in the world would have made another future's killing by shorting the market.

Like my man Kim du Toit wrote, "Once again, an article which contains the words "Bill Clinton" and not the phrase "died suddenly".

Cheers.

[habs4ever]

I have never heard one man say more "woulda, couldas" than Slick.He was always just "this close" to acting like a leader does.In some ways, he's more hapless than Wile E. Coyote ;-)

[lodwick]

AND NOW --- TIME FOR SOME TAX AND SPENDING OUTRAGES.

We begin with a statistic that should jolt you right out of your seat. Have you ever stopped to consider just how many cumulative hours are spent across this entire country every year just handling the paperwork associated with the federal income tax? American businesses will spend about 3.4 billion man-hours doing tax paperwork this year. Individuals will spend another 1.7 billion man-hours. These figures represent 3 million people working full time all year just to do tax preparation work. Now --- get this. It takes more man-hours in this country to pay federal income taxes than it does to build every car, van and truck produced in this country during the same year. (Money Magazine)

Where does your tax money go? Try this: Between 1986 and 1998 the IRS spent $5 billion of your money on a computer system that they were never able to get to work. Five Billion … that’s with a “B”.

Taxes now comprise 31% of the cost of a loaf of bread, 30% of the cost of a hotel room and 43% of the cost of a bottle of beer. (Money Magazine)

The two major tax writing committees of congress are the Senate Finance Committee and the House Ways and Means Committee. Money Magazine reports that seven out of ten members of these committees cannot figure out their own taxes. They have to hire professionals.

Your government recently gave $170 million to a group called PSI. PSI was founded by Philip Harvey. Philip Harvey runs a mail-order porno business called Adam and Eve. PSI wants to hand out condoms around the world. They now have $170 million of your money to fund their project.

At a series of employee retreats workers played children’s games and sang “We are family.” They wrote Christmas carols, went on treasure hunts, dressed in cat costumes and talked to imaginary wizards and magicians. It was a “team-building” exercise for the U.S. Postal Service. Cost? $3,600,000.00.

There are 1.2 million paid tax preparers in the United States. That’s six times more than the number of troops in Iraq. These 1.2 million people add absolutely nothing to our quality of life or standard of living.

Do you know what IRS form 8845 is? It’s the form you fill out to get your “Indian Employment Credit.”

In 1969 the congress discovered that there were 155 taxpayers who paid no taxes because their deductions eliminated their tax liability. That’s when congress passed the Alternative Minimum Tax … just to catch those 155 taxpayers. Today the AMT nails 3 million taxpayers. Within 7 years that figure will soar to 36 million.

The IRS still insists that the income tax is “voluntary.” If you believe that then you believed Bill Clinton when he said that oral sex isn’t sex.

[Iowa Granny]

checking in. Home for the weekend.

[lodwick]

Good Friday aboard the USS Wisconsin

[mountaineer]

Good morning. Today's Page Six reports:

Bill: Don't blame Canada

WHILE President Bush doesn't have much use for Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien, former President Bill Clinton plans to play golf with him in the Dominican Republic this week. Bush hasn't spoken to the appeasement-minded Canadian leader for two months, obviously annoyed that Chretien failed to join the coalition that liberated Iraq or to clamp down on Bush-bashing by members of Canada's ruling Liberal Party.

On Sunday, Bush canceled his May 5 state visit to Ottawa, though he's had time to visit Tony Blair twice, to take a four-day Easter vacation, and to invite Australian Prime Minister John Howard to visit his Texas ranch May 2-3.

But Clinton, who has taken some potshots at Bush's handling of foreign affairs, is ready to embrace Chretien. Clinton spokesman Jim Kennedy said the two have tentative plans to play golf.

"If they do get together, President Clinton looks forward to thanking him for sending troops to Afghanistan, where Canadian and American soldiers have fought so heroically to defeat al Qaeda."
______________________

Whatever happened to holing up in Chappaqua to write his book? Maybe the Dominican Republic is the only place he can find a golf course that will permit him to play.

[lodwick]

Another dope run to the Caribbean for ganjablub?