Replies

Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet... Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the
only time of the month that I can be myself... Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place...Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a
look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of
that!"...Sean Connery

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men
are
just grateful... Robert De Niro

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't
know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the
boss's job and I don't want it...Bill Cosby

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is
that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention
to women's breasts?...Hugh Grant

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front
lines. They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we
can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say,
"You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those
uniforms."...Elayne Boosler

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?...Dustin Hoffman

When the sun comes up, I have morals again....Elizabeth Taylor

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think
there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men
think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."...Jerry
Seinfield

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten....George Clooney

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like and just give her a house...Rod Stewart

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable
job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the
end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house...Jeff Bridges

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, but only
enough blood to run one at a time...Robin Williams

One thing that has always bugged me--and I'm sure it does most of you--is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this: (swallowing)

Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?

Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.

Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?

Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?

Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.

Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.

Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested," but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day!

Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.

Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!

Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just
one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us
10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10
cents a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?

AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.

AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor
please!

AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?

AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I
begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?

Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?

Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...

AT&T: (click)