[Enduring Freedom]

I need more jokes! Can you help?

[Big Horn]

Do you know how you can tell the French are preparing for war?
They are buying all the white cloth they can find.

[Flyer]

YOUR BEST FRENCH JOKES

France.

[Servant of the Nine]

Jaques Chirac

So9

[Kevin Curry]

Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous Frenchmen? People were confused about which side to spit on.

[Kevin Curry]

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." Mark Twain

[EternalHope]

Personally, I think France has sunk way below being funny anymore.

But they are so stuck on themselves, it's probably worthwhile to laugh at 'em. The least we can do.. For now.

[Kevin Curry]

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." P.J O'Rourke (1989)

[Adams]

Why are the french such good lovers?



Because their all P*ssies!

[billhilly]

This is not a joke, and it isn't French, but we need it anyway.


Subject: Germany - A Brief History


1871 - Bismarck founds modern Germany.

1890 - Bismarck sacked, warmonger Wilhelm II takes direct control.

1914 - Germany wages World War I 1914-1918. Germany kills millions of people.

1917 - Germany forces peace loving Americans to enter war.

1918 - Germany loses World War I.

1920's - Germans try democracy.

1933 - Germans reject democracy, allow Hitler to take power. VW and autobahn invented.

1939 - Germany starts World War II.

1939-1945 - Germany kills tens of millions of people.

1941 - Germany declares war on America.

1945 - Germany loses World War II big time.

1946 - Germans whine about lack of food, America gives billions $$ in food aid to feed them.

1947 - Germans whine about crappy economy, America gives billions $$ in Marshall Plan aid to rebuild German economy.

1948-1949 - America puts ass on line, pays with servicemen's lives and risks WW3 to save a few Berliners from Soviet hordes.

1949 - Federal Republic of Germany (West Germany) established.

1950's - America spends billions $$ to defend West Germany from Soviet hordes.

1950's - German 'economic miracle' occurs while America keeps watch on Soviet hordes.

1955 - NATO formed to protect West Germany from Soviet hordes.

1960's - America spends billions $$ to defend West Germany from Soviet hordes.

1960's - German students protest war in Viet Nam and American civil rights.

1963 - American President John Kennedy makes "Ich bin ein Berliner" speech.

1970's - America spends billions $$ to defend West Germany from Soviet hordes.

1970's - Germans form the Marxist terrorist group Red Army Faction (RAF).

1970's - Leftist German guerrillas burn, loot, and plunder much of West Germany.

1980's - America spends tens of billions $$ to defend West Germany from Soviet hordes.

1980's - German leftists bitch about Pershing II missiles.

1987 - American President Ronald Reagan makes "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall" speech.

1989 - Gorbachev tears down Berlin Wall.

1990 - German Reunification.

1990's - America spends billions $$ to defend Germany from Islamic hordes.

1990's - Germany stands by as ethnic cleansing occurs in Balkans.

1993 - Germany joins European Union.

1995 - Americans send troops to Bosnia as Germans watch from the sidelines.

1997 - Germans finally send token number of troops to Bosnia.

1998 - Hard-line, left-of-left socialists come to power under Gerhard Schroeder.

1999 - America leads air war to save Kosovo as Germans watch from the sidelines.

2001 - Schroeder offers solidarity to America after 9/11 attacks.

2002 - Schroeder bashes America to distract voters during election campaign.

2003 - Germany sees rise in anti-Americanism after several decades of poor treatment from America.

AND YOU THOUGHT THE FRENCH WERE A BUNCH OF UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS

[Mark]

THE BUNNY AND THE SNAKE

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived
an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a
surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.


One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and
the snake was slithering through the forest, when the
bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of
course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my,"
said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to
hurt you.


I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm
going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even
know what I am."


"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my
story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been
blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell
you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work
out what you are, so at least you'll have that going
for you."


"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So
the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said,
"Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really
long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft
cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny
rabbit."


"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in
obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake,
"Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help
you the same way that you've helped me."


So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked,
"Well, you're smooth, scaly, and slippery, and you
have a forked tongue, no backbone and no testacles.


I'd say you are definitely French".

[InterceptPoint]

Raise both hands over your head and say to your audience: "What am I?"

Answer: A Frenchman practicing for war.

[Kevin Curry]

During one of the many wars that the French and the British fought (and which the French always lost), the French just happened to capture a British army major. An officer brought the major to the French general for interrogation. The French general began ridiculing the major for wearing "that stupid red tunic." The French general said, "Why to you wear that red uniform, it makes it easy for us to shoot you." The British major replied, "If I do get wounded, the blood will not show, and my soldiers will not get scared." The French general said,"That is a very good idea," The Frenchy turned to his orderly and said, "From now on all French officers will wear brown pants."

[BamaG]

You heard about the Iraqi's that surrendered to the Brit's last week when they were testing out their weapons? And the Brits turned them away because the Iraqis were surrendering before there was even a war?

There is our smoking gun. Proof positive that the French are giving military assistance to the Iraqis.

[RedwM]

What do you get when you throw a grenade into a kitchen in France ?

[big bad easter bunny]

What do you do if a Frenchman throws a pin at you? Run he probaly has a handgrenade in his mouth.

[KriegerGeist]

Why do the French people seem so hell bent on kissing Jaques Chirac's ass?

Because the French, in general are less sensitive to bad smells and certainly more tolerant of bitter flavours!!

What do you call a french man killed defending his country? ... I don't know either, its never happened!

Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous Frenchmen? People were confused about which side to spit on.

"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!"
---- Hannibal Lecter

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
---Mark Twain

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
--- General George S. Patton

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know."
--- P.J O'Rourke (1989)

[Enduring Freedom]

Locked in a room with Osama Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein and a Frenchman, but your gun only has two bullets! What do you do?

Shoot the Frenchman twice!

[leadpenny]

Complete Military History of France (Source Unknown)
______________

- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history,France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

- Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War - Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when others do most of the fighting."

- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany plays the role of drunk college boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by her allies. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by Allied forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu - Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador, fails after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

[way-right-of-center]

German soldier#1 "Is it true that French tanks have 14 gears?"

German soldier#2 "Ya, 13 in reverse, and the foward gear is for when we attack from behind"

Also... "A fighting Frenchman will run fromn a she-goat" - Old Russian Proverb

[harpu]

France announced today that it plans to ban fireworks at Euro Disney. Why, because last night's display caused soldiers at a nearby French army garrison to surrender." France announced today that it plans to ban fireworks at Euro Disney. Why, because last night's display caused soldiers at a nearby French army garrison to surrender."

French President Jacques Chirac dismissed Colin Powell's indictment of Iraq before the UN Security Council. You know the French. Jacques Chirac praised Colin Powell as a man of courage, compassion, conscience and conviction, if you go for that sort of thing...

Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion. - Donald Rumsfeld

Q: What do you call 100,000 men with their hands in the air? A: The French army, of course."

Q: How many French men does it take to defend Paris? A: Nobody knows since no Frenchman has ever tried.

Q: How do you stop a French tank? A: By shooting the soldier pushing it.

Q: Why does the new French Navy have glass-bottom boats? A: So they can see the old French Navy.

Q: How can you recognize a French veteran? A: Sunburned armpits.

Q: What is a Frenchman with a sheep and a goat under each arm? A: Bisexual.

Q: Did you hear about the old French rifles for sale on Ebay? A: Never been fired, dropped only once.

Q: The French have just ordered a new national flag. A: It's a white cross on a white background

Q: How many gears in a French tank? A: Six: five reverse and one forward, in case they are attacked from behind.

(IMHO-the best one...)Jay Leno says it's no surprise the French won't help us get Saddam Hussein out of Iraq. They didn't help us get Germany out of France, either. Still, it's essential for them to join us in the war against Iraq. Why, because someone will need to teach the Iraqis how to surrender.

In a rare show of bravery, a French soldier answered an order from his commanding officer and ran out on to the field of battle in the line of fire to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier and dashed back to his HQ.... The officer said: I'm recommending you for a medal for risking your life to save the details of the locations of our secret warehouses... Warehouses? said the soldier. Sacré bleu! I thought you said whorehouses.