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<| The Onion 14 June 2000 Ad Info | Copyright

Murder Suspect To Be Tried By Media Overworked Justice System Grateful For Help

      LOS ANGELES--Overwhelmed by its ever-growing criminal caseload, the Los Angeles district attorney's office announced Monday that William Craig, arrested last week in connection with a string of brutal Bel Air stabbings, will be tried by the media.

 
Above: Murder suspect William Craig is surrounded by journalists assigned to cover and conduct his trial.

      "More than 150,000 cases come through this office every year, and, despite our best efforts, we simply are not equipped to adequately handle them all," Los Angeles district attorney Benjamin Dozier said. "That is why we are launching an experimental new program in conjunction with the National Society Of Journalism Professionals, in which certain criminal cases will be tried by the media. In these cases, the media will serve not only as judge and jury, but also as executioner."

      According to Dozier, an alliance between the judicial system and the media should prove mutually beneficial. "This partnership makes good sense for both sides: By handing over a percentage of cases, our workload is greatly lightened," Dozier said, "and by taking these cases, America's journalists will finally get their wish and be able to actually make the news, rather than merely report it."

      While opening arguments in the trial are not scheduled to begin until June 25 at the offices of The Los Angeles Times, many legal experts contend that, in the media's eyes, Craig has already been convicted.

      Said Harvard University Law School dean Nathan Unger: "Just yesterday in The Orange County Register, columnist Herb Garowitz called for the death penalty for Dozier, whom he described as 'human garbage who must pay dearly for these brutal murders which he obviously committed.' While ordinarily, such editorializing is fine for a columnist, Garowitz also happens to be the presiding judge in this case. This could present a major conflict of interest."      Dozier was unfazed by the criticism: "I can guarantee you that Mr. Craig will receive the same fair trial from the media that he would have received from America's first-rate judicial system."
© Copyright 2000 Onion, Inc., All rights reserved. http://www.theonion.com/

<| The Onion 14 June 2000 Ad Info | Copyright
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7 posted on 08/12/2002 7:14:56 AM PDT by MizSterious
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To: Duan
As requested, Ping!
9 posted on 08/12/2002 7:18:57 AM PDT by MizSterious
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To: MizSterious
Good morning, MizSterious. Out to get coffee.
10 posted on 08/12/2002 7:19:43 AM PDT by shotabug
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To: MizSterious
Good morning, MizSterious,

Life imatates the Onion.

31 posted on 08/12/2002 7:53:47 AM PDT by dread78645
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