The Guild 7-24-2002 Dog and Cat's Daily Diary

[BigWaveBetty]

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

Day 180

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

12:00 am - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day 181

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day 182

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.

4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining a piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was .....Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however, it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the aroma of some of their favorite foods. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

[BigWaveBetty]

PREVIOUS THREADS

[BigWaveBetty]

Good Morning!!

[Dog]

How did you get my diary???

Howdy all!

[Dog]

P.S........ Never trust a cat....a tricky lot they are....:-)

[2Jedismom]

Here's our new dog with my two jedis! She's a 10 month old Fox Terrier. We got her yesterday from a neighbor who's daughter was allergic to her.

[BigWaveBetty]

HALLE Berry is standing by her straying hubby, Eric Benet. The unlucky-in-love Oscar winner is said to have reconciled with Benet, who recently sought treatment for sex addiction after Berry learned the crooner was two-timing her with groupies. Sources tell PAGE SIX Benet recently joined Berry on the set of "Die Another Day" after he was released from the Meadows rehab clinic in Wickenburg, Ariz. "The week that the story broke, Halle was on the set with her mother," says our mole. "Then, Eric came to visit her about a week later." We're glad Berry is keeping a level head about Benet's extra-marital booty calls: When Berry's marriage to former Yankees slugger David Justice went kaput, she was so down, she contemplated suicide with her two Shih Tzus. [Does this mean she was going to kill her dogs as well? How sick do you have to be to kill two innocent dogs because you're love sick? I hope she never has children!!] Meanwhile, Berry continues to keep a low profile. When Revlon sponsored a "James Bond 007 Beauty Collection" lunch yesterday at Django, Berry, a Revlon spokesmodel, was off-filming "X-Men 2." So the mob of magazine beauty editrixes in attendance were instead treated to funnyman John Cleese, who plays "Q."

[BigWaveBetty]

Howdy Dog! 'Bout time you came by to say hello, good to see you! :-) And you're right, those cats are a tricky lot!

[McLynnan]

Good morning! Don't you love how dogs find happiness in drawing breath? This is one of my favorite cat attitude pictures.

[BigWaveBetty]

Good to see you too 2Jedismom! Such a cute bunch, thanks for sharing your picture with us!

[BigWaveBetty]

Oh my, that is too funny! Now it's one of my favorites too! :-)

[Carolina]

Good morning!

I live for food!

[kassie]

Definitely my dog and definitely my cat!!

[BigWaveBetty]

Hehe! Who doesn't?!

POLITICS is funny in the Hamptons. The polls suggest that Gov. George Pataki owns the minds of Suffolk County voters, but the Democrats appear to own their wallets. Gubernatorial hopeful Andrew Cuomo raised a ton of money in the Hamptons this past weekend and his party rival, Carl McCall, will shortly be heading east to pass the hat. Of course, most of the people giving money to the Democrats don't even vote in the Hamptons, so the Pataki lead out there is not so surprising.

Meanwhile, wily old Harlem Rep. Charlie Rangel is sticking closer to home by asking supporters for up to $25,000-a-head to attend a July 31 party at Tavern on the Green. It's Charlie's 72nd birthday and he's asking for a major effort on the part of his followers in the hope that enough Democrats can be elected come November to get Rangel his lifetime desire of chairing the House Ways and Means Committee.

Groan!

[mountaineer]

McL - that is a great picture. My husband has a copy of that in his office. It seems to inspire him.

Those are some cute jedis and a cute doggie, too. Your boys will learn quickly from the pup what a "best friend" is all about. Mr. M and I hope mightily for the day when we find a house with a big enough yard for a dog.

Say, what's that? One of the local high schools is holding band camp at the college, and every morning they march down the streets of town. Argghh, they're going right past my house, drumsticks a-flailing. They've added a shouting aspect to their routine this year. Oh my. I hope no one was still asleep.

[BigWaveBetty]

Your diary must read like mine;

Let dog in, let dog out.
Let cat in, let cat out.

Cindy asks WHY...

WHY. WHY can't we put mascara on with our mouths closed ... WHY is "abbreviated" such a long word ... WHY's a boxing ring square ... WHY don't you ever see the headline, "Psychic Wins Lottery" ... WHY is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips after you use it ... WHY is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin ... WHY is what doctors do called "practice" ... WHY is it rain drops but snow falls ... WHY is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons ... WHY is the third hand on a watch called the second hand ... WHY is "Queer as Folk" so unnecessarily vulgar?

All good questions Cindy but the last one should be simply, why is there a "Queer as Folk"?

[kassie]

Good questions indeed. :)

[mountaineer]

Cindy also had this about Bruce:

BRUCE Willis is spending big to renovate his new Trump Tower pad. Staffers, recalling when Demi, the ex, was In Residence there, hope he's easier to handle after coming home at the end of a long night

Amen to your question about why there even is such a thing as Queer as Folk. What really offends me is that they set the thing in Pittsburgh, and people might actually believe my home town is crawling with foul-mouthed flamers. Yecchh.

[BigWaveBetty]

Oh-no! Are they implying that Demi is a bit of a pill?

I can hardly wait for the Queer Channel. /sarcasm I'm sorry they've sullied the good town of Pittsburgh. Double yecchh.

A happy dog tale!

A HAPPY ENDING TO DOG'S TALE
By BILL HOFFMANN

July 24, 2002 -- Here's some news to wag your tail about: Bear's getting health care - for life. A big-hearted animal shelter is presenting the heroic search-and-rescue dog, at first denied benefits for injuries allegedly sustained at Ground Zero, with a lifetime insurance policy.

And officials at the North Shore Animal League on Long Island are going one step further: they're creating the Bear Fund to give financial aid to all emergency dogs injured at disaster sites.

"Bear didn't think twice about going into the wreckage of the World Trade Center, and we shouldn't think twice about helping him," said Marilyn Di Toro of the Port Washington-based shelter.

During Bear's weeks-long stint at the Twin Towers disaster site, the tireless pooch helped locate survivors and dozens of bodies.

Bear's owner, Scott Shields, says he's gratified by the league's offer, and will accept it at a ceremony on Long Island today on behalf of all search-and-rescue dogs.Link

[mountaineer]

The bent one returns to the scene of many of his crimes:

Former President and Arkansas Gov. Bill Clinton talks about his time as governor after a dinner Tuesday, July 23, 2002, in Little Rock, Ark. Arkansas' seven living governors gathered Tuesday night to raise money for the renovation and expansion of the Governor's Mansion.

The Harlem Globetrotter also made a stop in Chicago to pander to Jesse Jackson:

The amount of money needed to successfully fight the global spread of AIDS is a fraction of what the United States is spending to fight terrorism, former President Bill Clinton said Tuesday, urging the government to pay its share [We already pay more than "our share," you idiot] without hesitation.

"I see this AIDS issue the same way I see the fight against terrorism. I'm all for fighting and staying in Afghanistan and getting bin Laden [except for getting him in 1998 when I had the chance, that is] and being tough about that--that's fine," Clinton said "But nobody believes that we can build a safe world just by preventing and punishing bad things. We have to make some good things happen too."

Wealthy nations like the U.S. can halt the surge of AIDS cases, which could number 100 million globally by the end of the decade, Clinton told an overflow crowd of more than 1,600 at Rev. Jesse Jackson's Rainbow/PUSH Coalition conference. link.

What a crock. Throwing money around isn't going to halt a preventable disease.

[mountaineer]

More on Harrison Ford's midlife crisis:

HE may have pulled a woman nearly half his age but not everyone is convinced that Harrison Ford is a spring chicken. The actor, who has just turned 60, recently went shopping for nappies for his girlfriend Calista Flockhart's baby son, Liam. But when he asked an assistant where to find them, he was directed to the incontinence pants. Daily Mirror